02/04/2022

Tristanjmnz

It’s been really difficult trying to get back into writing again. I don’t know what it is. Perhaps my attention span isn’t nearly what it used to be or maybe I just haven’t been as emotionally “activated’ to write something. I’m not entirely sure. Like with the last post, I was clearly upset with the...

10/04/2020

Tristanjmnz

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote a post. I suppose I have just been trying to “participate.” Most of the time this blog is meant as a way for me to try and articulate my goals, wants, and desires and vent about the moments where I am otherwise failing or struggling...

07/05/2020

Tristanjmnz

Something that was brought up in therapy either last weekend or the one before was that as of late I’ve been spending a lot of time solely focusing focusing on the now, today. I’ve always used to be someone who heavily clung onto past events to the point that it was definitely a detriment to...

06/19/2020

Tristanjmnz

So this is going to be a first, I’m going to try and redo a post. Well more so I’m replacing in spirit a post that I’m hoping no one had the opportunity to read because with all that’s going on I knew I was very emotionally sensitive and a lot of fears that certainly...

06/10/2020

Tristanjmnz

Depending on the day or even just how I’m feeling that hour, I will either tell you that I am an emotional mess or an emotionless zombie. There was rarely an in-between. I still feel I am often on one side or the other, but it would be invalidating to the actual work I’ve put...

06/02/2020

Tristanjmnz

Something that came up in my last session which I suppose I had to accept as a certain possibility is that perhaps I haven’t gotten “better” over these years. Not really in the way I had hoped at least. It seems obvious just hearing out loud but it’s not something I still fully grasped yet....

05/27/2020

Tristanjmnz

This might be another weird one folks so fair warning. I’ve been listening to one of my newest favorite playlists. It was one made for me, by someone I’m already caring a whole lot about, so of course it’s going to hold a special place in my heart. And one song in particular spoke to...

05/21/2020

Tristanjmnz

This site’s posts and, by extension, my life has many recurring themes and words that have held this negative connotation because of my past experience with them. And I’m rarely ever nostalgic during moments where I’m enjoying the present very much. There’s usually a reason why I’m looking back and it’s usually because I enjoy...

05/08/2020

Tristanjmnz

I can’t really openly talk about what’s going on with anybody right now but I need to just write out what’s on my mind until I can rebuild some sort of support system I’m comfortable with. It doesn’t help that lately that I still really feel like a burden, that certain friends are only reaching...

05/07/2020

Tristanjmnz

It’s going to be rather difficult to discuss anything about the past few weeks because I was and still am in a dark place which is why I still need to at least vent about the circumstances, though I’d prefer to steer away from any details. I apologize if any come out though I am...

04/17/2020

Tristanjmnz

I have a confession to make. One I think I’d really only feel comfortable admitting in the “safe place” of my blog. Not really something that I really need to admit publicly or really to anyone but it’s affecting me and some are starting to notice. Years of experience have taught me how to expertly...

04/03/2020

Tristanjmnz

Amidst this global crisis everybody is having to adjust to a new lifestyle. Most of whom aren’t very comfortable with this new forced isolation and asking them to stay home is a difficult adjustment for some. That being said, isolation and staying home has always come very natural to me so I’d say I’m adjusting...

03/24/2020

Tristanjmnz

The world has changed pretty drastically the past month or so, funnily enough I was just trying to get out of the small funk I was in and trying to get out of the isolating cycle I was getting myself stuck in. Then this whole Corona virus hysteria appears and now everything’s closed and everyone’s...

03/10/2020

Tristanjmnz

These past few months of therapy, months of learning a lot about myself, months of backsliding but also months of progress have all helped me to figure out more of what it is I truly want. The answer used to just be “to be happy.” However that isn’t as easy of a task to grasp...

01/29/2020

Tristanjmnz

I want to keep this trend of using these posts to talk about the new skills I’ve learned and just truths of life that have sunk in due to either an awful experience or an incredibly fantastic one. My life has been full of plenty of both of those lately. It is a flaw of...

01/20/2020

Tristanjmnz

I have never been comfortable talking about any positive aspects of my life, possibly why whenever something good does happen or is happening I only tend to briefly mention it before moving on to the next more negative topics I’m dealing with. In fact any emotion that I am feeling that I don’t have a...

12/31/2019

Tristanjmnz

I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to write lately. I have been spending time “IRL” with a friend (which is a clarification I have to make because of how rare that’s seemed lately), and still am with them actually and for the most part she’s helped distract me from a lot of things that...

12/19/2019

Tristanjmnz

There’s something about the holidays that really just makes me reflect and think back on my experiences and relationships with my family. Probably why I tend to feel the most depressed during these months. I said in an earlier post that I have come to learn that I do not need the validations of the...

12/13/2019

Tristanjmnz

This post I feel is going to take me a while until I actually end up publishing/posting this just because I don’t feel like I have all that much to talk about. I was going through a process, of well to avoid repeating myself again, let’s just say I’m more content now. It’s weird wanting...

12/06/2019

Tristanjmnz

An even more unconventional post if I even end up publishing this one but I had the inspiration to write the last one and ended up publishing it all within just a few hours. The most time was spent really just getting the screenshots because I knew I wanted to just go through it real...

12/05/2019

Tristanjmnz

This one’s probably going to be a very unconventional post. I have no morale or lesson learned I just today as of when I’ve begun writing this post saw on spotify the option to see your year wrapped. And going through that really felt like going back to like individual moments of this year....

11/24/2019

Tristanjmnz

This is apparently the fourth year round that I’ve continued this “series.” Even stranger to think it’s been a whole six and more years since I’ve created this site. Time is certainly a frightening concept to think about, the further you expand your view of your past and time you see more of all the...

11/18/2019

Tristanjmnz

I want to write something but going on a third post mentioning moving on in a row isn’t ideal, even though technically this is me doing that but instead I’d like to talk about the exact opposite. I grabbed an old post so it’s, unfortunately, outdated but it’s about the future. Knowing me I’ll still...

11/11/2019

Tristanjmnz

I haven’t had a whole lot of inspiration to write lately. While not my greatest work, I was still fairly proud of my last post. Mostly because I was able to elaborate more effectively these ideas I wanted to portray and touch upon regarding the book or my associations to its content than I’ve been...

10/24/2019

Tristanjmnz

God I have been waiting for this for so long.. Ever since John Green had been posting youtube videos of the filming of The Fault in Our Stars back in 2014-2015 and mentioned that a film adaptation of my actual favorite John Green book was in the works. Not that I wasn’t excited for that...

10/11/2019

Tristanjmnz

There has been a lot of negativity in my past couple of posts. Partly because I’ve been hit with the most intense depressive phases I’ve ever had to deal with, I was learning to finally be comfortable with certain good-byes, and how to say them without having to rid those people from your lives entirely....

09/30/2019

Tristanjmnz

Recently the motivation to write for me has been almost non-existent. I’m writing this now more to try and aid that process of well, processing my feelings. And that is exactly what I have been doing and am still doing so don’t expect this post to be very focused (as if any of them are.)...

09/09/2019

Tristanjmnz

Well I kind of figured this was already the case a long time ago but it turns out Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is definitely my “new” comfort show, after re-watching through it another time in what will be a series of several rewatches. I’ve needed the extra comfort, as it’s been a fucking hectic and hard time...

08/26/2019

Tristanjmnz

In Response to “Missing a Feeling”: Coincidentally soon after writing that post about being upset with how actions I did in my own process of trying to deal with my feelings were being met with retaliation from someone I haven’t talked to since like a whole other lifetime ago, they did exactly what I asked...

08/06/2019

Tristanjmnz

I had a few more positive posts lined up pretty much almost completed, one about how it’s weird and kind of nice to have future plans and an actual goal I’m working towards and the other about my complicated relationship with making so many associations with people and events with the media I consume. It...

07/22/2019

Chickadee rising

You make yourself toxic even in the end of it all it eats you or you go and like a song on house music and get loose. If you dont, like me (yes a toxic person) wants to change too! Yeah right?! Toxic people are always and will be…..yeah. You need to first understand that...

07/17/2019

Tristanjmnz

God, the amount of times I’ve written about change, about wanting to change, about my thoughts on how futile the idea of people changing is.. Needless to say, my opinions on “change” have, well, changed a lot. That is due to my back and forth relationship with the concept. It’s easy to say “Things will...

07/15/2019

Tristanjmnz

To think just two weeks ago my biggest worries were how I was going to stop thinking and making myself feel shitty about no longer having someone in my life anymore who’s been long gone. Now with all that’s happened since, that feels like a lifetime ago. A whole other me ago. I’ll still care...

07/08/2019

Tristanjmnz

I really gotta start thinking of a name for these kinds of posts. Having the repeated “Random Thoughts” and then the date is getting kind of boring at this point already. However, the alternative is having to think of a relevant title and having these posts actually have a centralized theme or message but these...

07/03/2019

Tristanjmnz

Wow last week was definitely a really shitty one. What was originally just this general feeling of depression, and all the negative feelings and thoughts that just come with that chemical imbalance I had going on in my brain. I mentioned in my last post that I was borderline-suicidal. What I meant by that was...

06/26/2019

Tristanjmnz

Yikes.. I got drunk a few nights ago and reblogged something on Tumblr from that old friend of mine. Just said “U R Loved” and wasn’t about anyone and wasn’t intended to upset them. It was a nice positive post and I wanted to spread said positivity and I really only did so because I...

06/21/2019

Tristanjmnz

So, if my last post was anything to judge by.. I don’t think I’m quite ready for an informative and non emotionally-charged post just yet. I don’t think I ever will simply because the times I don’t have this pent up feeling waiting to be unleashed.. are times I don’t really feel like writing at...

06/07/2019

Tristanjmnz

This is a really touchy subject for me, even still unfortunately, but I’ve been meaning to write something and have it at least be informative in some sense to my “newfound” disorder so let’s try and write this without too many emotional tangents. Most people are...

08/08/2017

Excelsyor

I’m not sure I should be posting this and to the admin: If you’d like to take it down, you can. Back to late night rambles that I never would’ve posted before. It’s probably foolish and i’m probably ‘making a mistake’ but i’m hoping that maybe this will help, to just get it all out...

07/31/2017

Tristanjmnz

Okay. Just breathe. This past month has just been a mess. Has it been a month? I’m not quite sure, it’s certainly been a good number of weeks I feel but my perception of time is kind of a bit off right now so I can’t say for sure. I’ve talked in my posts before...

06/25/2017

Tristanjmnz

I am going to try one bizarre thing and try one more time to write like how I used to. To try and gain that feeling I once had back when this site meant something to me. And to try and do that I’m going to try and talk less about situations, events, and people...

06/24/2017

Mary Tyler Moore

I can hear the soft breathing of the girl that I love, As she lies here beside me asleep with the night, Her hair like a mist as it floats on my pillow, reflecting the glow of a winter moonlight. But she knows and I know that I’ll never be, as good as the ones who came before me So I’ll...

06/15/2017

Sebastian

So recently my laptop had a stroke. I got the dreaded blue screen of death after uninstalling some bloatware that came with Adobe PDF viewer, and apparently it didn’t uninstall correctly. I spent about 4 hours trying to do a system restore to a couple days earlier and luckily, after all that hard work, I...

06/11/2017

Sebastian

I don’t exactly know how or why, but I have been feeling unusually happy lately. This isn’t the okay state that I found myself in after coming out of my breakup, but instead it feels like my natural happy normal state that I was in before Amy a year ago (names have been altered for...

06/10/2017

Sebastian

My birthday is coming up again in a couple days. I look back at my post around this time last year before I turned 21, and I almost want to say I was completely wrong. I don’t think it had anything to do with age or the number 21, but it feels like this past...

06/04/2017

Tristanjmnz

God, it’s such a frightening thought but every day that passes it becomes more and more true but I’m starting to get to that age where I needed to have already had my life figured out. Like before it was oh yeah, no you’ll definitely figure it out just give it time but now I’m...

06/04/2017

Sebastian

It’s the memories that are the worst. The happiness I felt in those fleeting moments that keep playing in my head over and over, painting a sad smile on my face. It’s those memories that make it so difficult to let go. It feels like I’m tearing a piece of myself apart. But I do...

05/31/2017

Sebastian

Disclaimer: These are my inner most thoughts and feelings. I don’t know if I’m even comfortable sharing them. It’s painful keeping all this in and writing it out helps. Please don’t judge me for them. Did I ever stop loving her? I tried to. I thought I was past most of the hurt. I stopped thinking about...

05/31/2017

Tristanjmnz

I wanted to write something that didn’t have anything to do with my friends (former or current), at least not directly about them, since I have been doing that quite a bit.. so I thought I might try and delve further into my experiences with Sam. Sam, for those who don’t know is a name...

05/31/2017

Tristanjmnz

Hey remember that time when you od’ed Hey remember that other time when you od’ed for the second time Well in the waiting room while waiting for news of you I hallucinated I could read your mind And I was on a lot of shit too but what I saw, man, I tell you it...

05/31/2017

Tristanjmnz

Once again I’m writing a new post that I have been inspired to write because of a Regina Spektor song. I suppose I get a bit attached to songs and their lyrics/meanings sometimes… Anyway, I’m admittedly kind of in a weird state right now. I’m in a strange emotional state where I feel both awful...

05/30/2017

Sebastian

I know it seems obvious. In a way, I’ve known this in the back of my head from the beginning, but it didn’t stop me from trying. The situation I have the most trouble with is when two people have a disagreement, and I have to choose who is right. As a neutral party that...

05/29/2017

Sebastian

This isn’t the fear like my irrational fear of jellyfish. When I say afraid, I mean the fear tied to my deepest insecurities. I feel like it would be so much easier if I just limited myself so people couldn’t hurt me, but I keep going out and asking for it. Maybe it’s because I...

05/28/2017

Excelsyor

I wish life never had to change. It seems naive and I know it’s wring but there’s too much that’s gone wrong in my life for me to easily welcome change. It started two years ago. That’s when it became unbearable. Two years since emotional abuse so bad the wounds still haven’t come close to...

05/27/2017

Sebastian

So I wanted to know exactly how much it would cost, per year, if you decided to live life the most expensive way possible. I’m talking about selecting the top most result when you filter your prices high to low every single time. This should be fun! Lets start with the very basic necessities: Water, Food, and Shelter. Water:...

05/26/2017

Sebastian

March 20th, 2017 It was 8 pm. I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I was numb, and I only felt relief. There were no more lies, and I had clarity for the first time in weeks. I didn’t want to break up; I actually loved her. But she didn’t love me. Not anymore. But...

05/25/2017

Excelsyor

Dear Depression, I thought that you’d moved away a bit ago. Gone off on your own to see the world and left me in your dust. I was okay with that. I certainly didn’t expect to see you back so soon. Although I guess it is my fault for welcoming you back with open arms. Now that...

05/25/2017

Sebastian

I was wrong. I was hurt, but I never said anything. I never told you how it made me feel. I just accepted that when it came down to it, no matter what I did, at the end of the day you would still choose her over me. I just wasn’t the person that people...

05/12/2017

Tristanjmnz

05/02/2017

Tristanjmnz

I had refused to write anything for a good while partially because I didn’t quite have anything to say that was positive or didn’t almost directly affect someone else. That’s not really something I wanted to do then since things were still pretty tender. Although I write these with the intent of just relieving my...

01/30/2017

SkyFall

The only happiness I feel anymore is when I’m stoned but afterwards I feel worse than I ever have and want to kill myself. I ride an intense high before sinking to rock bottom. No one knows I’m bad again, no one knows I’m doing worse than I was before. No one knows that I’m...

01/30/2017

SkyFall

I know I am broken when I look back at my past. I can catalog the people who have hurt me, whether they actually did or whether I made it up for whatever reason my twisted mind created, I have a history of crawling back to them. I am so lonely and unable to make...

12/22/2016

Queenie

On the floor she cries Under a blanket she hides It feels so bad He was a cad Her heart was breaking Her body shaking  

05/04/2016

Sebastian

There is a deafening sound in my head. The blaring thunderous noise of utter defeat and madness. Trapped inside my own self, unable to do the simplest thing. The one thing I want to do more than anything else in the world. Behind a glass wall screaming and slamming my fists into it as hard...

05/03/2016

Sebastian

So this is kind of a reply to Tristan’s earlier post on crushes. I wanted to talk about why it always feels like your crush is so amazing that they would never go for someone like you. I really related to his post because I too have a crush at the moment. I was also...

05/02/2016

Lavender

So I don’t know what to write for my actual first post, but my sister recommended writing about love. I don’t know much about love, I’ve never quite been in love. Sure I had crushes, but I wouldn’t count them as actual love. Besides, everyone has written about love, maybe it’s redundant now. But I’m...

04/28/2016

Sebastian

Ogres are like onions. Donkey: They stink? Shrek: Yes. No. Donkey: Oh, they make you cry. Shrek: No. Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs. Shrek: No. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh....

04/25/2016

Lavender

I think there is a certain amount of preciousness in the little things. Flowers growing through the sidewalk, seeing the start of a tree in a tiny flower pot. The innocent beginning of a relationship. Or even seemingly meaningless questions, like, ” Hey, did you happen to eat today?” Or, ” How did you sleep last...

04/22/2016

Mary Tyler Moore

I wish just once that someone would be excited and involved in the decisions I make. When I say “I’m thinking of cutting my hair” I wish someone would just fucking pretend to act interested. Instead of saying, “Eh, if you don’t like it it’ll just grow back” or “just do whatever you think is...

04/20/2016

Sebastian

One of the most difficult things in life that we have to do is to move on from something. To end a chapter. Start from the beginning again. And life make us do it over and over, as if doing it just once wasn’t hard enough. Sometimes it can be a good thing, such as...

04/17/2016

Sebastian

With my 21st birthday coming up in just a few months, I’ve started thinking about what it means to be an adult. My whole life, I had thought that once I turned 21, I would spontaneously become a fully functioning independent adult member of society. However, with just two months to go, I don’t really...

04/15/2016

Mary Tyler Moore

He loved her. He really did. But there were times when he despised the way she would ignore what he was saying, and he sometimes hated the way she wasn’t direct about what she wanted. He wished she could just give him a straight answer and he hoped that she would say, “I love you...

04/13/2016

Tristanjmnz

Well I fucked up. In an effort to move over the domain over to a new host, one that I was actually paying for and didn’t put pop-up ads that I couldn’t get rid of, I forgot to back up the site and all the posts I had so for the most part I have...

04/09/2016

Tristanjmnz

Most people confuse Social Anxiety with simply being Shy. This is quite irritating, because most people don’t quite comprehend the immense difference between the two. Being shy means you’re reluctant, or uncomfortable, with meeting new people and or going up in front of the class. However, social anxiety is something that is much more  challenging. It’s basically a...

04/09/2016

Tristanjmnz

I didn’t know what to write about for the blog, but I happened to find an assignment I wrote for psychology class a few months ago. Enjoy. Thinking about it over and over again was probably the worst part of it. Not saying that the actual experience wasn’t a horrible terrifying experience, but the anticipation of...

05/29/2013

Tristanjmnz

My years here in high school are soon coming to an end, so I might as well leave with some words to those who care to read them. I’m a bit indifferent about actually graduating. I don’t feel any feeling of excitement or sadness and I’m not entirely sure why that is. The more I...

04/09/2013

Tristanjmnz

You can already tell I like to write, and it isn’t limited to just this blog. For the past month, I’ve been working on a novel/story entitled “In My Head”. That’s actually how I got the name of the site. Sure, the name fits but it has more meaning to me. The logo is also...