I Want You Around

I want to write something but going on a third post mentioning moving on in a row isn’t ideal, even though technically this is me doing that but instead I’d like to talk about the exact opposite. I grabbed an old post so it’s, unfortunately, outdated but it’s about the future. Knowing me I’ll still end up jumping back and forth between the future and the past because moving on isn’t a topic I can just say some words for and be done with but this is sort of better, I hope?

It’s strange having plans for your future. I didn’t expect to be living past high school, let alone all the way to the prime age of 24. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been coasting ever since. Everyone was off making plans for their future, what school they were going to go to, career plans, etc. Meanwhile my day to day goals during senior year was how am I going to quiet this screaming voice in my head telling me I needed to kill myself and after that voice calmed down a little it was just how the fuck was I going to graduate when I spent a semester with almost a 0 in most of my classes. I actually impressed teachers with how bad I was doing. It actually took a lot of effort to do this bad. By the end of the year those classes really cut me some slack and allowed me to turn in almost all of the semester’s worth of work as long as it was turned in a week before the end of the school year. My life was supposed to, at least according to my depressed and suicidal plans, have ended in 2012/2013. Six going on seven years now later and surprisingly I am still kicking. Especially surprising considering how many times this year alone we came close to that not being the case anymore. There was a brief moment when I pushed away almost everyone, thus minimizing the collateral damage my disappearance might cause. It was a hard reality to grasp that despite my best efforts a lot of what I was feeling and going through then I knew I was going to keep feeling it repeatedly no matter how much my situation changed, how happy in the moment I had felt. I have a disorder and there’s no running away from that fact and it’s going to stay with me. It was a while ago that I originally planned to write and submit this but I still remember my original point/moral of the post, the song inspiration (well this one was easy as it’s usually just the title of the post– it’s Snoh Aalegra’s I Want You Around), and unfortunately the situations in which made the song feel “thematically relevant.” At the time I started this post, I want to say was around when I just thought I finally come out of that initial “heartbreak”, and I found someone new who I felt really saw me for me. And I grabbed on so tight I’m surprised they didn’t pop. Anyway, I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and beginning to plan ahead for my future. That’s not something I have ever been used to doing as I was trying to explain in my story in the beginning of this post.

My plans have changed since then, initially the goal was to move out and be roommates with a close friend from high school. However, as time has passed that really didn’t seem like the best choice. For one, they have been in and out of jobs and that isn’t to say anything about them I am just worried that I’d be going into a situation where I might have to end up paying the full amount of rent, and my budget didn’t allow any wiggle room for a few months of having to pay full rent for a two bedroom apartment. California rent is fucking ridiculous. Things are also a little awkward between us right now. It was an unfortunate circumstance, just following having to spend the entire day upset, scared, and crippled with guilt. The situation didn’t turn out to be as disastrous like everyone in our family had all feared it might be, but I had spent the past twelve hours believing it would and that it was because of me. And as I was venting about this, they made a pass at me. In a way in which made me feel like my pain was being completely dismissed and that conversation was initiated for them to bring that up initially. I can’t say for sure whether that’s the case or not but it felt hurtful and I put up my walls so quickly after that. And let’s say there has been PLENTY of other issues that have come up since then so I admittedly haven’t come back to that issue to help put back down those walls, but let’s just say even though I feel like I can’t say for sure whether I am this or that, as I have a hard time grasping onto any sense of identity let alone making a statement for sure about what it is I am, I like who I like that’s all I’m really confident saying for sure in this moment. Though, my dabble towards the other side now including this so far have not been great. At least it wasn’t as deeply traumatic as the last time. I love having anxiety and having no idea how to break away from social pressure to someone who is well aware of that fact.. I’d say that’s probably best for another post but I seriously doubt that’ll be something I ever write about so I’ll leave it at that. To sum things up, that plan most certainly has changed. Moving out is most definitely on the agenda, and is bound to happen soon. I’ve taken care of most of the logistics and planning of doing so I just for one have to deal with some more urgent emotional matters but also be emotionally ready to take that leap. I was already there once before, and I think I will be again soon.

Then there’s the other half of life inspiration that made the song relevant, I chose the song for it’s general feeling of “Hey this is something I’d like permanently” as I was getting more comfortable with things and people sticking around. Doesn’t feel too great saying that now knowing what happened since, but I was happy and I was going to make it my goal to keep this feeling around. But if you’ve read my previous posts you would know I mistakenly equated this feeling of happiness– this naive belief in some “Okay” state of mind with this relationship. I started to feel happy again, cared about, I had someone who actually listened to me and didn’t just agree with me all the time to try and avoid conflict. In a way I suppose I had found my new Favorite Person, only I refused to call her that or acknowledge in any way that this might have been what was happening because I hadn’t felt any of these feelings in a long time and I think I ignored the warning signs for the sake of feeling those feelings again. Even with returning to a few different older relationships that had some form of that in the past, I’ve quickly learned that time has severely changed us as all as people. For someone struggling with the concept that change in my life is even possible, I am not at all near the person I was even half a year ago. Wouldn’t have been something I noticed either, but given recent events apparently according to my therapist I am not at all acting the way I normally would have impulsively done. And by that I mean I’m just reacting less in general. I would say my emotional reactions are the same, you have no idea how much I still get a rise out of let’s just say “new events.” And that’s not an entirely a code either because a shitty coping mechanism of mine was if I saw something that hurt me, I’d keep checking that thing until that emotional response dulled and seeing similar things didn’t hurt me anymore and it indeed worked every time. That is as long as the behavior remained the same, I prepared myself for a different level of shitty but I was prepared for that exact level of shitty only and then something new happens that might suggest the shitty situation is now shitty in a different (not specifically better or worse) way and it’s like I’m starting from step one all over again. Which that hadn’t been a good coping skill seeing as I’ve learned people are constantly changing, so to will people’s behaviors and feelings and expressions of those feelings. Until I get more comfortable with the uncertainty, I can’t allow myself to get too comfortable with the stability either.

Weird way of looking at it now, but perhaps that’s what I was feeling in my relationship. Happy but too comfortable. Which feels shitty to say because those are both supposed to be great feelings. Feelings I had been desperately seeking, but with everything that has happened and how little of it I was truly over, those feelings come with it a feeling of dread, unease, and intense anxiety. I used to kill a relationship out of fear that they were going to end it themselves. That used to be my immature and last ditch effort to hold on to some sense of control but that isn’t what happened this time. Sure the result is slightly similar, but they never fully left my life like the people in the past situations have. It did get weird and awkward for a bit as it always does but we’re back to being just friends and it fees nice again. Part of that is because there’s less risk involved now but also because following our break up I kind of threw my self straight into the chaos. Partly in hopes of self-destructing but ultimately I found that this uncertainty in life, in the relationships that come and go. This cycle of decay and destruction that I had been so terrified of my entire life turns out to not be nearly as frightening as I had made it out to be. I mean there was a time in which I was terrified to my core to ever lose Emily. Now I mean I think of her when I tend to write these posts (along with Amy, but I am very grateful to have known them and having had them in my life for as long as I did. Perhaps that means I might be ready to get comfortable again in a temporary “permanence.” So yeah, the original feeling of the song’s motivation for the song was something definitely romantic. I imagined myself getting old with Lilli, settling down in a small town being social recluses together or at least up until we decide on doing another cross-state adventure, supplied with yet another kick ass playlist to accompany us on our adventure. I still see them in my life for a while, at least if I’ll have anything to do with that because they aren’t someone I want to let go so easily.

So while the mood has kind of changed of what I initially meant this post to be, the message hasn’t. Whether I like it or not right now I am alive. I’m up, kicking, making an impact on the world and the people around me even if mostly in insignificant ways, the fact is since I still haven’t decided to kill myself it’s probably around time that I stop just lollygagging around hoping that happiness might eventually come to me if I endure enough of this pain I’ve had to suffer through for the sake of love, family, friendship. Whatever the reason, it was still pain. I think it should be okay for me to finally say, “No I think I’ve held on to this for so long.” and to finally let go of that pain. I’m still finding and trying to seek out what it is that makes me happy. I still might not feel like I personally deserve any happiness but I do know that if I am going to try and find some/keep the bit I have I am going to have to work to do so. The more I let go over time the lighter this journey is going to feel so while it certainly was tough recently. I know or at least sincerely hope it gets easier. I don’t want to end this post too optimistically because it’s going to give off the false impression that I’ve found the secret or at least I know the path to take now, and I’m finally doing good now relatively speaking, (and that means I’m not ending the day swallowed in tears or closer to a plan to just say fuck everything and self-sabotage like there might literally be no tomorrow) but the truth is I don’t know what the future holds much less what tomorrow entails for me. Maybe three months from now I’d have found a new sense of stability, routine, love and I am actively heading down that path towards contentness that I started all these years ago or hell maybe I’d have lost to that next phase of depression. Maybe the next one is just more than I can handle. I do know I’ll at least have some help when the next one does come and that “apparently” my skills are improving so maybe I won’t find getting through it nearly as impossible. So let’s hope it turns out well I’m going to try to the best of my ability to help it. Oh um let’s bring this full circle why don’t we? I think I wanted the “you” in the title to have been Lilli. I certainly wanted her around and a future felt like a future full of happiness and feeling content. I still do kind of want it to mention them, I certainly don’t want them to go but I guess it might be more fitting to have the “you” mean me this time. I’m still bruised from the last time I was kicked and beaten down but despite that I surprisingly still want to keep fighting.

I want to keep me around, at least for now.