I promise soon I will start writing some posts that don’t have anything to do with past relationships, endings, or moving on. These have been core themes I’ve been thinking a lot about and have been experiencing so even when I try to avoid talking about said things, I end up writing about it anyway. That’s the downside to never really having a plan or outline when writing these. I want to say this is less about the same past events/feelings I keep circling back to and more just me reflecting on stuff but let’s wait until the end of the post and see if that stays true. Anyway on to the actual post now…
So I dropped off my brother at the airport yesterday and while that moment itself wasn’t too emotional. I don’t think we’re that great at expressing that to each other, but I do have to say I really am going to miss him. It didn’t quite hit me until I woke up the next morning and he just wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t take advantage of his closeness as much as I should have. I could’ve definitely used his help but I honestly didn’t even know where to begin to start talking about all of this. I mean how do you even ask for help when it comes to being so stressed out you end up having a nervous breakdown, or serious mood swings, or the relationship and friendship problems I was having that is so complicated it would take hours trying to explain it all. Now he’s gone though and I can’t really just ask him to take me out and let’s go drinking so I can have one night of fun with my brother and away from all the bullshit I’m dealing with. He’s basically on the other side of the world and even though its only temporary and he’ll be back soon, I still can’t help but feel like another big important piece of my life has gone. No matter what though I’m still excited for him and hope that his time spent living in Thailand proves to be a truly wonderful and unforgettable experience. He really deserves a break and a getaway like this.
It’s probably strange to go from talking about having to say goodbye to my brother to something so small but for the past two to three weeks I’ve been binge watching the show “Friends” on Netflix and I really grew attached to these people and their lives. It felt almost as if I were one of the group and any time I got the opportunity to watch continue watching the show I was just hanging out at the coffee shop with everyone hearing about everybody’s lives. Maybe I empathized too much with these characters because I feel exhausted from all this heartbreak and the roller coaster of emotions I went through with these characters. I stayed up until 2 or 3AM last night (despite having had to wake up early for a whole day at work the next day) just so I could finish the series. I didn’t realize before but I had already seen the series finale. It must have played on television sometime as I was younger and I used to watch whatever reruns of Friends, Seinfeld, or King of Queens was playing that day. I didn’t know that episode was the finale when I first watched it and I’m sure the ending would’ve had a much bigger impact on me knowing that this was the end. Although I wouldn’t have had shared that 10 season binging experience and getting to know and get attached to these characters like I had after watching on Netflix. Still, it was about 2:45AM as end of the finale was coming up and I felt the rush of emotions everyone was feeling; the hesitation of saying goodbye to our close friends, and that anxiety of having strong feelings for the girl I love and having to express those feelings before it’s too late. Not saying that this is what I’m going through, if anything it’s the opposite but I know that feeling all too well. I spent senior year with graduation day being that clock before I had to tell this girl I never even talked to before that I had the biggest crush on her. There’s probably a few other examples but that’s not quite as important. I got to experience that feeling again. Spoiler alert to anybody who hasn’t seen the finale of Friends so skip to the next paragraph to avoid any starting now.. Anyway so at the very end Rachel is moving to Paris for her new job and is saying her goodbyes to everyone, to everyone except Ross that is. They have a small fight because he thinks that means she didn’t care about him enough to say goodbye but she admits it was because she cares about him too much that saying goodbye to him was nearly impossible. They end up spending the night together shortly after and Ross finally opens his eyes and sees how much he loves Rachel and can’t let her go. While I’m all for grand gestures of love I think maybe reality started setting in and I started to think about whether I’d do what he did which was drive to her airport, tell her how much he loves her and beg her to stay. I don’t know if I could do that. Even if I loved them, if this was the opportunity they dreamed of and it’s what they wanted to do, I couldn’t ask them to give that up for me. This also made me think how much I really want that love that makes me want to do those big gestures and even though I’d be supportive of their decision if they did, but if I did go to the airport and told them to stay because I was madly in love with them I’d like to be with someone who’d get off the plane for me. It also made me think about having such a tight knitted group that felt like a family. I missed that and hopefully one day I find a new group just as close.
So this is probably a topic I have to go more into detail later but I have been trying to really fight against my impulsive tendencies. I’ve mostly lost especially when it comes to trying to avoid writing everything I’m feeling at the moment, but I am learning a few things. For example, I’ve grown more accustomed to this feeling which I can only describe as a severely uncomfortable itch. It’s this obsession turned into discomfort. The one thing that makes it easier to scratch just like with an actual itch is being unconscious of it and just doing it out of reflex or out of habit. I was worried that this cycle of depression and hurt feelings would be endless but a lot of the hurting started to be due to my own unhealthy habits. Something that started off as a means of just trying to relieve this hurting from the uncertainty of things, but it became a bad habit. A lot of things I used initially as a one time coping method turned into habits that were more harmful than helpful. Fortunately the are just that. Habits and you know you kick those bad habits? Become aware of them and make a conscious effort to do it less and then hopefully over time I’ll feel less likely to reflexively do these things and forget about these habits all together. That’s what I’ve been trying to do. I don’t have much of a say in most things I’ve been worrying about or upset about but I do have control over how often I hurt my own feelings by my actions. Torturing myself is fun and all, but I think it’s time to kick that habit.
Every time I make progress on bettering my mental health or bettering my situation things tend to turn to shit pretty quickly. I don’t know what to blame this time. Normally I’d have some sort of reason for why I felt so awful or why I was so frustrated with a certain person, but really
Having a very morbid thought of life, I often have the view that life here is pointless, because eventually everyone who knew you will forget you. Unless you do something truly amazing, or evil (Hitler or Stalin), you won’t be remembered that long after your death. That’s inevitable. Your life story won’t entirely be told,