Random Thoughts – June 21st

So, if my last post was anything to judge by.. I don’t think I’m quite ready for an informative and non emotionally-charged post just yet. I don’t think I ever will simply because the times I don’t have this pent up feeling waiting to be unleashed.. are times I don’t really feel like writing at all. That’s why there was such a big difference in the time I wrote the post before that, and that one. Mainly because I wasn’t feeling shitty.. I was actually feeling great for once which is not something I can say very often. I was happy. That also means I didn’t really feel like writing. Instead most of my days were spent playing games, watching shows, or just generally hanging out with the people I loved. So there goes that idea I suppose. Informing people about BPD and different aspects/symptoms of this disorder because anytime I go into my own personal reflection about it that’s when everything comes out. Almost involuntarily. These posts rarely if ever are edited. What you’re seeing, or I guess, reading is just me talking out loud almost all at once. This is how I’d probably talk if I didn’t have a debilitating level of anxiety keeping my “actual conversation” to just affirmations and simple answers to questions. The last post I started writing completely with the intention to not mention any past people or issues I was going through, but as I started that kind of just came out.

In fact, it was writing that post that made me realize I hadn’t quite processed those feelings fully. It felt like I had accidentally reopened a wound that still hadn’t healed. That I still hadn’t let heal. Writing that post helped a little with that processing, but it brought months of shit I spent distracted from right to the forefront of my thoughts and that felt god awful and sent me into a depressive spiral which I’m admittedly still going down. However, one good thing did come from that post. A better understanding of what it was that I felt about that situation. I kept thinking my feelings had to be either/or.. I either missed my old friend and wanted them back in my life or I was bitter, resentful, and angry about what happened and how I was treated. It’s a bit of both I see now. I do miss them, they were such a big part of my life.. even now after what? 3 maybe 4 months now? It feels like a part of me is missing. That doesn’t take away what happened though. How I was continued to be treated in the exact way which I had to basically at that point beg not to be treated. I blamed myself for not being able to take the lying, for being impulsive and ending things as a self defense mechanism.. but I was asked something in therapy that I honestly hadn’t thought before. “If they kept treating you that way, if they kept lying to you. Would you have been able to keep being their friend? Would you be able to endure how that made you feel?” Without having to think about, I knew the answer was unabashedly and unequivocally; No. And when I talked about that situation, I tried my very best to shine the light more positively towards them. Used words like “white lies” or I even said they likely felt like they had to because of how scared they were I would react.. considering my past track record, but that didn’t seem to matter. There’s just some things you can put up with for so long.. and if that doesn’t, or more accurately, can’t change then you HAVE to move on. It sucks. It really does and god I wish things could’ve been differently because I don’t hate them.. I’m not even mad at them just that this had to happen but that doesn’t change the fact that it did and even if they ever wanted to come back (I know for a FACT they wouldn’t) it’d be the same. Nobody’s the good or bad guy here and it upset me that it was made to seem that way, like THAT’s what this was about, almost as if they hadn’t paid attention to a word I’d told them.. even as I was splitting I never saw it that way.

Future friendships and relationships I’ve had since have shown me more of what I will and won’t take in a relationship and I need to stop feeling guilty for wanting more or to not be treated a certain way, if that way makes me feel awful. What I do feel guilty about is that that whole situation has taken precedent over things that REALLY should be my focus now. Relationships I’m in now. Nearly fucked up a lot of those. Did fuck up some. I just need to finally allow myself to feel some things and actually move on instead of just pushing it or them out of my mind for the time being. Maybe get back into writing, because this is not helping me feel better.. but it’s helping me feel. And if I can avoid having to feel months and months of pain all condensed into a few days again.. that’s definitely preferred. I keep trying to add a moral to these or some lesson learned by the end of these posts.. so give some idea that I’m getting better or becoming a better person as each post arises but honestly at this point I’m just trying to get by. Just trying to live my life and I’m going to learn things and I’m going to make the same mistakes over and over so that’s a bit unrealistic to expect that this should show the progress of something that just simply doesn’t exist. These are my thoughts. My feelings, whatever’s in my head. And that’s really the most I can expect. A journal about nothing, or everything, or one small thing.. it doesn’t matter because I didn’t make this site for the reader or to show anybody how I am doing. It was for me. If I get out of this funk, if I’m still here going forward I really need to keep all of this in mind.

Until next time, maybe,