Honestly, I hate that term, “Toxic” to describe people in your life but that’s really the best word I can think of to describe certain people in my life. Toxic. In the past couple of months I have unintentionally surrounded myself with a lot of people who have had a huge negative impact on my life; who made me stressed out, paranoid, depressed, and.. heart broken. I didn’t like who I was, who these other people made me be. I’m sure these people didn’t have the intention of negatively affecting me and my life, it sort of just happened, although there is one person I can say with absolute certainty was well aware of what they were doing to me. I was just one of the many people she had and would continue to do to. We like to think we’re completely in control of our lives, our personality, and just who we are but most of the time we really don’t. All of it is really at the will of those around us or those we give our trust to. We let people have an effect on our lives so we can try and have one on theirs. That effect isn’t always positive.
So what do we do when we are surrounded by those who are negatively affecting our lives? I’m not entirely sure, really. And even if I did figure out the most effective way of fixing the issue of those around me harming me, it doesn’t mean it will really be the best situation for you or for a specific person because every person and every situation is vastly different. Recently, I have been more eager to try and notice those who are having a negative influence on my life and removing them from my life. My friends list on both skype and steam are a fraction of what they used to be and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. On one hand I’m only surrounding myself with those who I think make me happy or at the very least don’t make me feel shitty, but on the other I’m burning bridges at a frighteningly rapid rate. Maybe I’ve done it too much lately because I’m a lot more willing to say bye to people in my life than I was before. Before, it was almost impossible for me to say goodbye. I always kept some sort of semblance that I had these people still in my life even if I didn’t necessarily talk to them anymore. I hated (and honestly still kind of do hate) decisions that I can’t go back on, decisions that will change my life indefinitely. Now though, at least when it comes to people and friends I’m more easily capable of removing all contact with people that I don’t feel the need to talk to again. Which is better? Or are these both extremes and I should probably find some line down the middle? Probably.
I don’t only remove toxic people out of my life though. That isn’t the only solution that I’ve tried. For instance, I’ve tried being honest about the effect some of these people have had on my life. How badly they have hurt me and have tried resolving the issues that we’ve had, which is why I’m slightly reluctant about using the word toxic to describe people since some of these people aren’t inherently “toxic”, sometimes they just aren’t aware of what they are doing or are going through a hard time and unfortunately end up taking that out on you. Although, you don’t ever really know if it’s just circumstantial or if that really is who they are, so now I’m not sure if those that I’ve tried resolving things with were really people I should have tried to resolve them with. I guess time will only tell. There is one person though that I am not entirely sure if either of those things are viable options. They don’t seem like the person who is just open to talk about these kinds of things and saying bye forever might hurt them more than I really want to. I don’t know, but I sure hope I figure it out soon.
Dear Emily, Oh man, it’s been a while since we’ve talked. Hasn’t it? Well, since we’ve talked regularly like we used to, that is. Let me just start off by saying you mean a lot to me and I miss you. Just in a “I really enjoyed the times we spent together, talked, and just
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