Of Age

So much time can pass and for some god forsaken reason I will still have the tendency to look back at past events like they had just occurred and I look back at it with these rose-colored glasses called nostalgia. An important thing to know about me is I (more frequently than I’d like) burn bridges that I’m never really quite ready to burn. I have done it for a number of reasons: I thought/knew this person was a bad influence on my life, sometimes I felt like I was a bad influence on theirs, or even out of spite sometimes. The person hurt me so I wanted to not let that person do that anymore, but to make sure they knew they couldn’t do that to me anymore. Which turns out to be pointless in the end because I usually let them do it again anyway. In my life I’ve left and burned bridges but I have more often than not have wanted to go back to these people and cross through this already scorched and destroyed friendship. It almost never works out. No matter what I try and do to prevent things from going bad in the same way they did last time, we’re either just fated to fall down the same path or one of us (usually me but not all the time) does something to fuck it up in an entirely different way I didn’t or couldn’t prepare for. What I’m trying to say is I had a problem of continuously running away from friendships and then running right back as soon as I got the chance.

Thankfully, I haven’t done that in a while. A long while, and I’m not patting myself on the back over that fact. I just wanted to include that bit to sort of clarify that I’m talking about an old me. I was impulsive and I often did things without thinking of the consequences.. such as leaving a friendship without pondering whether that was something I really wanted in the long run instead of something I wanted to do to immediately try and stop this awful feeling I was feeling at the time. Sometimes it helped, most of the time it didn’t. I’ve had to deal with and am kind of still dealing with the consequences of doing so. The most recent situation was a few months back, I left  It’s shitty but I mean I brought it upon myself I’m aware that this is just what I get for doing this. Honestly this post was originally to help me talk about how awful I felt seeing friends having moved on without me. And since (like with most of my recent posts) this was originally started months back so I was mainly referring to the idea of how shitty it was knowing how little my “ex” cared at all and how quickly she moved on.

Inspired by the beginning of the song this post was titled after:

There’s times I miss the friends I had
There’s times I’m glad they’re gone
But I can’t explain the feelin’
Of how I watched you all move on

Although I think around this point I might have still thought that she cared about me during the relationship.. so yeah she didn’t “move on” per se as much as she just moved to the next guy. And from what I had heard that’s what she’s always done. Before me and after me hopping from flirting with one man to the next. This post also was about a dear friend of mine who at the time of starting this post we were still (kind of) distant. It was about the time we just started talking a little more but before that we rarely talked so I was just thinking that our relationship or well our friendship was reaching its end. We had become distant naturally which was nice because the past couple of times it was definitely because of one of us.. this time it was just because we sort of became different people and spent time with different people. I mean it still hurt seeing them move on even if we were still on good terms. I remember just thinking I’d might have felt better if they did hate me. It’d be better than the thought that they just really didn’t think of me anymore. I mean it seemed to work out almost immediately after starting writing because we did start talking more and more since then. I’m incredibly thankful for that..

So why continue writing a post I started based on feelings I no longer have anymore? I think I just wanted an excuse to write honestly. There’s been a lot of things upsetting me and my mind’s just been working a mile a minute, especially right before I try and fall asleep. I was hoping using a post to maybe help at least lessen the overthinking. Plus, starting a new post and trying to have it all based around a central theme is extremely difficult when there’s so many little things that have been upsetting me. For one, I don’t know if it’s okay to talk with my brother. I don’t know if he’d want to talk with me because apparently my mom drunkenly told his fiance how awful it was that she was pressuring him into marrying him and how fake she was during the proposal because how much she planned it despite acting like it was a total surprise. She also told my brother’s fiance that I was the one that told her this despite me never actually doing so… It was my brother who admitted to that. The most I’ve said is that I never told my brother to marry her, despite him saying “our talk” is what got him to propose. I told him to be honest with her since it seemed that he really didn’t want to. The hope was so that they could come to some compromise but that wasn’t what happened. Anyway things are weird in the family right now and it’s kind of rough especially since I had been working up the courage to tell my brother just how awful my depression has been and how much it’s been controlling my life these past couple of months. Even if he was okay with talking with me I think he’s got a lot more on his plate right now to help me deal with my shit.

I also have been growing (well actually regrowing) feelings for someone and I don’t know how I feel about this. Mainly extremely anxious. Feelings never seem to work out for me. They’re always usually either for the wrong person or I just never know what to do with these feelings. Tell them? Ignore these feelings? Make a move? I don’t know. I just usually am left with this feeling of longing followed by sadness and disappointment. Either I don’t think we’ll work out, I don’t think I’m good enough for them, or even much worse where I think I’m legitimately awful for them. Let’s just say a lot of my crushes don’t really ever make it past the crush phase for this very reason. Some may say it’s all just due to my insecurities, but in most cases I’m right. And those that have become more than a crush have proved that. This one I’m terrified of letting them know. I’ve been doing so much thinking about what to do about this, but I have still come up with nothing. I don’t want to ruin the friendship and them finding out how I feel has a large chance of doing that. I also don’t know if I want anything to come of it. Like okay, as far as my feelings go of course I do, but every time I stop thinking with my emotions or my heart or whatever.. that’s when I start thinking about all the reasons it wouldn’t end well if anything did come of it. I think about why this definitely wouldn’t work and how much I don’t want to have them. I’d rather they go away then deal with the scary and uncertain effects of telling them might have. I want to move on but I have a hard time doing that, and that’s why I tried to stay away from this person in this past. Because I didn’t want these feelings to come back… woops.

Besides the family issues and crush-related problems, I’ve for the past maybe three to four months have been going through what I can only describe as a looming feeling of depression. I haven’t feeling consistently depressed and I have had a few days/week periods of mania mixed in between, but there’s always this underlining feeling of ineptness, this feeling that things aren’t going to get better, and that the friends I have are destined to leave me. And I sure as shit don’t know how to make new ones so when that happens I’m shit out of luck. I’ve actually been kind of sabotaging myself and forcing that to happen. The last group of friends I used to hang out with I haven’t talked to in months. The main person in that group I really talked to I don’t think really cares for me anymore. Which is totally understandable because I mean his ex and I were flirting for a short period of time. And by short period I mean like less than a week. They had been broken up for a while and I honestly really needed some sort of affection so when she began flirting with me I just I reciprocated without thinking about it. It wasn’t until a day or two in did I start to think “Oh I might not actually like this person in this way and this might hurt my friend so I was going to end it off before well she beat me to it. Apparently the second this friend confessed he still had feelings she “dumped” me and got back into a relationship. I’m happy for my friend, I really am.. however I can’t help but feel she did this almost purposely to stir a reaction from him. That this is the result she wanted which is great but I really wish I wasn’t brought into it. That being said it was totally my fault. I was indeed reciprocating. Anyway besides that group I’m even becoming more and more distant with other friends such as my high school friends I used to play D&D with. It’s come down to the fact that I’m rarely feeling up to leaving the house. I don’t know if I’m physically exhausted from working the whole week or I’m just emotionally exhausted from dealing with so many people.. probably a bit of both. I can’t come through with plans because the day will come and I just can’t get myself to do anything other than hide under my blankets while watching youtube or playing games.. This is really getting bad. I’m even avoiding appointments I should’ve gone to and been too anxious to reschedule them..

I’m hoping this feeling passes or that something drastically changes before things get even worse. I guess we’ll see.