Random Thoughts – July 03

Wow last week was definitely a really shitty one. What was originally just this general feeling of depression, and all the negative feelings and thoughts that just come with that chemical imbalance I had going on in my brain. I mentioned in my last post that I was borderline-suicidal. What I meant by that was that the idea and the thought of no longer existing was kind of my main source of comfort/coping. When my emotions started feeling too overwhelming the one thing that helped me continue going was that intrusive thought that “hey you can just kill yourself and none of this shit you’re worrying about will upset you or hurt you anymore.” I have a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms, but that definitely is one of my worst and perhaps the scariest. Simply because the entire time I’m pretty nonchalant about that idea. I was confident enough that I wouldn’t ever go through with it so it wasn’t like I NEEDED help, but it was worrying enough that it was necessary to tell my therapist about it. She made me keep track every day of the intensity of that feeling and it never got to the “planning phase” so it didn’t turn out to be as bad.

Then, what I wrote about last post happened.. and all of that undirected feelings of depression all got directed to this one situation. I was already upset but now I felt like I actually had a reason to be! And that made the feelings much more intense.. no longer did I feel numb and no longer was I just drifting around. My last session became all about what I had wrote, how I felt guilty about writing it.. because I had really hoped this site had become as safe space to write whatever I wanted to, unfiltered and without any worries about the repercussions of said post. Knowing friends knew about this site and checked it every so often made me really anxious writing, and I would fictionalize different parts of the stories or just not really get to what it is that’s upsetting me. That’s probably why this site started to feel like it wasn’t doing shit for me anymore. Well from this session and the “aftermath” to what started off with just a single reblog I’ve learned a few things that made me finally come to terms with something I’ve pushed aside and avoided dealing with for four months now..

I don’t really want to go into too much detail about what those things are just in the rare case this friend visits this site sometime soon, it’s not worth adding more fire to this I guess weird distant flame we have right now..? But one thing I did learn was that that guilt I felt about writing that post wasn’t actually fully guilt. Or at least I should’ve been more specific, which specifics are kind of what I need to better understand what it is I’m feeling. I was asked, “Do you feel remorse or shame?” And I was a bit confused at first because I just said I felt guilt but she went on to explain, “Shame is when you do something that goes against your core principles or beliefs. And remorse is when you are afraid or feel bad about the possible consequences of an action.” And that’s when it hit me, I wrote that post to be honest about what I was feeling.. to work out this cluster fuck of thoughts and emotions that whirl through my head. I didn’t want to hurt her and I know just judging by how upset I was when writing that the contents of that post were likely too. I took solace in the idea that they weren’t going to read it because from what I could they hadn’t in a long time. Then when I saw it got a visitor.. then the remorse hit in.

Now it seems ridiculous that I initially felt so bad about a single reblog.. in fact all of this has made me question why I’ve spent so long getting upset about certain situations. And those other things I learned helped me come to terms with what I upset about. My familiar mantra I kept telling myself was “I miss them but I know that having them back in my life would end the same exact way.” Which was a little depressing, and confusing to have two conflicting feelings of wanting someone in your life but being sure you can’t.. knowing it’d just be more hurting, but in the past week that’s completely changed. Now when it comes to this situation, I have an entirely new one that makes me feel like I can hopefully cross this one off of things I need to deal with. And finally I can begin to start working on the next item. I love the friends I have now and they put up with more of my shit than they really have to but despite all that they’re still here for me and a lot of them I have to thank for this realization. So as much as I was dreading any future interaction with my old friend, this is certainly not how I thought it was going to play out if we ever did.. with just having to deal with a spam of reblogs, I’m glad it happened because who knows how long I could’ve kept this huge issue of mine at bay.. trying to avoid it when it clearly was beginning to affect me and my current friendships and relationship. Things apparently do need to get worse sometimes before they can finally get better.