What I Never Said

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I was wrong. I was hurt, but I never said anything. I never told you how it made me feel. I just accepted that when it came down to it, no matter what I did, at the end of the day you would still choose her over me. I just wasn’t the person that people chose when they had a choice. That’s what the voice in my head kept telling me at least. That you only spent time with me because you were broken, and as soon as you were fixed you would realize you could do so much better and leave me. When one night you told me you’d need me quite a lot and asked if I was okay with that, I wanted to say I was overjoyed that someone wanted me, but I didn’t tell you how much it meant to me. Of course I would be there for you whenever you needed me because I knew I needed you even more than you needed me. Because I wasn’t okay either, I still wasn’t over Amy. Because without you I had no one. Because I would have done anything for you. But then you left and I was alone. My accusatory thoughts used her argument to convince me there was something wrong with me. That that was why you left, why you would never choose me. I wanted to ask someone if she was right, but I had no one left. It was just me. And I told myself that would have to be enough. I couldn’t believe her, not because she was right or wrong, but because I needed to know there was at least one person on this planet who had my back no matter what happened, and the only person I had was myself. It sounds incredibly lonely and pathetic, but if I didn’t tell myself every night that there was still one person in this world that would always be there for me, I would not want to wake up in the morning. That thought was the only thing that kept me from breaking. That kept me putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward hoping one day it would all be okay. It was then, when I was at my lowest, unable to tell anyone how terrible I felt that she came into my life. She promised me that she would choose me every time if I gave her the chance. I did, because of course I did, and it was perfect for a while, until it wasn’t. She started lying to me, and I ended things between us. Maybe I was meant to be perpetually tossed aside when being with me became inconvenient or there was someone else that could be chosen instead. But I have now decided that I was wrong. There was one person that never lied to me and was genuine for as long as I’ve known them. And that person is you (by ‘you’ I don’t mean anyone who may be reading this, but at this point they would know I was talking about them if they are reading this). I can’t believe it took me this long to realize that you did what you did because I had lost your trust because of my actions in the past. And you only acted according to that. So I have decided that I was wrong. I was wrong to think I couldn’t trust you. You are the one person I can trust. The only person who I can know will be honest with me no matter what. And I want you to know that I will be there for you no matter what. If I get a call one day from you telling me that you’ve killed John Doe, you can be sure Wolverine and I will drive to you to help you hide the body no questions asked. And that is a promise.

P.S. That was ingenious of you to kill John Doe. They’ll never be able to identify him even if they find the body.

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