I feel after I’ve made my 2016 recap post I’ve said all there is to say about what I’ve been and am still currently going through. I’m sure I’m the only one that’s read it, and that’s alright because it was really only intended for me. I keep waking up every morning with this naive belief that if you just be honest, upfront about everything, apologize for the past and try and make things right going forward that things can go back to the way they were. I really want things to just be okay again. Then, I really wake up and realize that there’s no going back to the way it all used to be. Something drastic has changed and I don’t know when, I don’t know exactly how, and I know I have a part in that but I do also know that I’m not the only one. It still feels like all this immense weight has been put on my shoulders alone. I took it, I wanted things to be okay so I took the extra stress and the extra guilt that came with all of it whether it was to make them feel better about the situation, or to just move past it I don’t know. I was already broken before, and this just feels like someone putting their foot on my head while I’m drowning, desperately gasping for air. All of it seemed so sudden, so abrupt and I really wish my friends had shared the same belief of just being upfront and honest about things that have been going on because none of this would happened. Instead I was lied to constantly, made to believe a certain way was an acceptable way to be around them and then months later blamed and disowned because all along they hated it. It’s been just a mess these past couple months and I’ve been desperately just trying to keep my head above water. I had moved out to live with my dad in another state to try and start over and make things better after being incredibly stressed out from work, but I am in a place where there are no people I know, all of civilization is miles away and I don’t know my way around anywhere here. So, I’m spending a lot of days in my room not talking to anyone and it’s been incredibly harmful to my health. I don’t remember if I talked about this in the other post, but a lot of my physical health issues can be attested to just the effects that moving here has had on me. Which is why I have decided to move back, but I am only able to do so in a month. Well, it was a bit more of a month when I first started writing this post, but I take so long to flesh out my thoughts or finish writing something that it’s about two weeks away before I move back.
So, this whole time I have simply just been trying to finish the day and get to the next one. I’m not really enjoying any day and I’m becoming more and more affected by the long days that just kept dragging on longer and longer each day. It hasn’t helped that I can’t fall asleep until after 6 AM. Even if I stay up a whole day, it doesn’t help me fall asleep earlier or if I do fall asleep earlier than 6 AM I end up waking up in the middle of the night still with the feeling of exhaustion and inability to sleep. Every day just keeps getting harder and harder to get through. Not in a “I’m getting weak and I don’t want to keep going” kind of way just in a “this day felt like 5 hours longer than the previous one” kind of way. Fortunately, I’ve been spending time with a friend of mine who’s really helped me through all of this post-breakdown, which is weird because during my breakdown he was the one I wanted the least around. It goes to show how drastic your opinion of a person can change depending on your current situation. My opinions of those close to me have almost become the polar opposite in the recent times, with the exception of a few. Anyway this person has been helping me get through all of this immensely both by being very supportive and allowing me to vent the feelings I have (though I am still weary that these words can be used against me at a later time like people have done to me plenty of times before, that has more to do with all my past experiences in general rather than the person specifically) and also just spending time with me making the day go by a little quicker because when I’m not doing anything that’s when the insufferable boredom comes and my mind begins to race. This has been especially an issue with returning feelings that I have been having which I know I really shouldn’t. And my whole situation has changed, so instead of having the normal people to reflect these feelings with. I sort of have to just deal with them myself. And it’s been absolutely terrible. But, it’s been something that I’ve sort of just have to deal with for the time being. Any effort to rid these feelings or to embrace them might burden someone else so I will have to continue and push this one deep down for just a bit longer. Until I start over.
Things will get better. I will be able to start again. Definitely won’t be able to go back to the same people, or have the same routine, but I will have a new routine in my life that I will just grow accustomed to and maybe this old life that I’ve been desperately clinging on to these past months will be nothing but a memory. A road bump on my journey of becoming the person I was truly meant to be. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve done things I regret, I’ve felt things I shouldn’t have felt. All I can do now is try and learn from those mistakes, avoid repeating my harmful actions, and well I can’t control what it is that I feel but I can now work to not be a slave to those feelings. I may not be in control of what I feel, but I can control what I do with those feelings. Things will work out. I just need to wait it out. I need to survive just a few more days. Just a few more days… Things will be okay.