Every time I make progress on bettering my mental health or bettering my situation things tend to turn to shit pretty quickly. I don’t know what to blame this time. Normally I’d have some sort of reason for why I felt so awful or why I was so frustrated with a certain person, but really I think I’m just feeling so shit because that’s how I’m just destined to feel. I’ve been having a big friendship issue recently. I’ve always had issues with friends, I am too trusting and people abuse that trust and sometimes I get too stressed out by the pressure people put on me when I try and offer to be that emotional support for someone. Maybe I should not do that, well not so soon in a friendship. Time and time again I end up with people who love that emotional support and will make sure to take full advantage of that but then disappear when either they don’t need it or someone better’s come along to do that. I become aware of this too late, i let them into my life and I offer that shoulder to cry on and I tell them I’ll always be there for them because then I think that we’ve got some sort of connection and I truly care about them and their well being but then I find out that they don’t really care so much about mine. I’ve learned to notice more when people are being disingenuous with their love/attention. It’s painfully obvious when that person disappears for weeks and then comes back with a “I missed you so much! I love you. Why don’t we talk/do anything?” Well that’s because you never messaged me. That part I can’t get too mad about since I’m bad at messaging people too. I have crippling anxiety when it comes to starting conversations and it’s only gotten worse this past month. What I can be upset about is when I do ask to do something after you’ve “come back” and remembered I existed, you say no because you’re busy or you’ve got other plans someone else. Just a no. Not a “I can’t right now, but we should do something tomorrow” or a “Sorry I’m not feeling up to it right now. Another time” and then you know actually ask another time. Instead I just get a no and then radio silence again.
I have quite a few friends that just seem to pop in and then pop right out and it’s never an enjoyable experience. It feels like they just have to talk to me once every couple of months so they can still call me a friend. And the worst part is I fall for it each time, I get wrapped up in all the attention I get. All the “I missed you’s” and “You’ve always been such a great friend’s” and then I feel really good about myself and then they proceed to vent to me and I am more than willing to listen to someone who must care for me so much that they had to make this grand gesture. They vent and then I don’t get another call for a few more months. After like the third or fourth time it really gets to you. I have removed quite a few people from my life that were having a negative impact on my life, but I’ve also let some of those people back and I always wonder if removing that person really was the best choice. Sure, there might have been something about them or something they were doing that was causing me a lot of stress, but hey people can change and I think maybe this time will be different. I always think that maybe this time will be different. Always. I thought sure the girl I was talking to had a rough past with people, but I thought maybe she’d learned from it and that we could be friends despite everybody telling me to stay clear away from this person. I was naive and hoped for the best, especially when she acted like she liked me. Acted like they liked me, didn’t actually like me. I got into a relationship with someone who made me feel wanted and appreciated and I found out that it was all fake. That’s probably fucked me over a bit more than I’ve been willing to admit. Especially right now when my friends that used to make me feel this way without being disingenuous or demanding something in return for their attention, these people seem to be at arms length away from me. It hurts when you’re feeling alone and the people that used to make that feeling go away or at least made it less daunting make you feel much more alone. Having to fight for the attention for someone who wouldn’t bother to fight for mine is humiliating and just depressing.
The worst part of this is I’ve been upfront about all of these feelings with some of these people and it hasn’t done or changed a single fucking thing. I still feel distant from my best friend, I still feel like I’m the last thing on the person’s mind who used to always be first on mine. People grow apart. That’s what I keep telling myself, that that’s just the inevitable outcome of friendships and people just move on from me. I don’t know why I believe that someone just knowing what’s going on with me and what I’m afraid of in the friendship/relationship that that might help fix it. It isn’t until we become completely estranged do they notice that I’m gone and that they miss me. And I realize too late that they didn’t actually miss me, they missed what I did for them. I was moved on and was content with how things were. Sure it wasn’t my preferred choice to just up and leave but it’s what helped me stop feeling a certain way and then you come back and I undo all the progress I’ve made and I fall back into the same habits and pathologies… that part’s my fault. Sort of, if I had stuck with the initial plan and didn’t let you come back I wouldn’t be worrying about what you thought of me or if you actually cared, but you did come back and here we are. You used my site, something extremely personal to me and probably where I’m most vulnerable to get to me not once but TWICE. And I fall for that familiar lie, how much you missed me and cared about me just to hold me as essentially an acquaintance who you only talk to/do things with when you literally have nothing better to do. I know, because I tried and do something with you and I get a “No, I’m not really feeling like it.” and then almost right away you end up doing things with other people. The same people I confided in you that I thought I was losing you to. What’s even worse is that the only time I feel “close” to you is when you use me as a therapist and then you go back to not talking to me/asking me to do anything with you. You latch on to people and I guess I loved that when it was me, but now that it’s other people and now that I’m the one getting the cold shoulder rather than anybody else.. now I hate it. Now I regret doing that, I regret adding you back. I regret making myself believe that maybe this time won’t feel so awful, but here we are. Full of regrets. I feel so alone, and it’s so much worse when most of your friends only make you feel more alone.
Disclaimer: These are my inner most thoughts and feelings. I don’t know if I’m even comfortable sharing them. It’s painful keeping all this in and writing it out helps. Please don’t judge me for them. Did I ever stop loving her? I tried to. I thought I was past most of the hurt. I stopped