All You Gotta Be When You’re 23 is Yourself

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I don’t know what this post was going to originally be about. All I know is I started this “draft” a couple weeks ago with the hopes of writing something along the lines of growing up, or something similar to the song that inspired the title. Which has been a reoccurring theme at this point/almost a new unwritten rule of my newer posts. (They have to have a music title attached to them and those songs have to have some sort of relation to the post or how I’m feeling/what I’m obsessing over). This doesn’t actually HAVE to be the case but it’s been more often than not. Even my last one which wasn’t based off the name of the song was still based off the concept of the song, Moby Dick – by Jakey. Just hearing a song about heartbreak and hearing a song that talks about not only heart break but I also the obsessive feeling it brings. That idea that someone can be so fixated on somebody or an idea that it becomes self-destructive and you become disillusioned.. that whole concept really resonated with me and of course something I related to. Fuck I just went on another damn tangent. Anyway I genuinely think the reason I chose this song to start writing is because I was close to turning 23 and wanted to write something about how I wanted to find myself and learn to be more content with who I was. I figured as I was now growing older I would have figured this shit by now.

I didn’t end up writing anything in this post because well I just didn’t feel like I could positively say anything about what I’ve learned being 22. Mainly that I’m not as old or mature as I thought I was and having to say goodbye never ever gets any easier. It gets more difficult each time especially when its not something you want to say, but have to. Whether that be because the other person hasn’t given me a choice and just left out right no word or warning, or the other reason of which I’ve talked about to death. Again I want to start progressing into writing posts not so much in reaction to an event, to my feelings towards that event or to a person.. and I want it to start being more inspired off of events and just broad ideas and my views of the world. The second reason I didn’t write anything in this post was probably because I started this a few weeks ago.. when I wasn’t yet 23 so the title didn’t quite make much sense at the time. So yay now I’m 23 I guess. That’s really weird to say and to think about but its true. I don’t have much to add about that to be frank. Being 23 feels nothing different to being 22, which is going to be how it feels every birthday from now on I’m assuming. All the changes in my character and life won’t have anything to do with my age at this point, other than my physical health. If I were to do a quick retrospective, which I normally do at the end of the actual year but for the sake of actually having something to talk about in this posts here are a few things I learned/felt about this year.

I learned that people are temporary. That people will come into your life acting like they want you in their life, even as if you were the most important person in their life. And then one day they just don’t think about you anymore. Whether it be because they’ve found someone they enjoy being with better (which has been more so the case than not).. Sometimes you learn that outright by either them just straight up telling you (which is how I’d prefer to be dumped if I had to choose) or from them just removing any sort of contact I have with them without saying a word. God that’s the fucking worst way to see someone go. I’ve done that before, and I DEFINITELY can’t say I don’t just up and leave anymore but I at least make sure to try and have that discussion and explanation before I do. I don’t always/ever do a good job of explaining myself though. Maybe because I either don’t 100% believe what I’m doing is what I want to do/is the right thing to do.. but that was what I felt at the time so there’s this contradiction and I’m sure keeps me from saying all I really want to say. Anyway, the other way you learn is just by someone slowly distancing themselves and now that I think about it I’ve actually had worse memories with this method than the others. I remember when an important person in my life did just that and I spent SO LONG trying to figure out what I did, what was wrong, was anything even wrong in the first place or was I just going crazy. It wasn’t until we went from talking to each other every day and night to never at all.. to them spending all their time with someone else. God I never wanna go through that again and I honestly feel like a lot of my personality now is in a direct response to the insane fear I have to experience this again. So much so that I’m distanced from everyone as a means of allowing myself to go “oh that’s fine I could live my life without them” if anyone were to decide to do that again. Hell someone did/tried to this year and that helped soften the blow most definitely.

I also learned on top of that that when you’re feeling shitty things are going to seem as if they are going to be like this forever. You get this repeated delusion that this moment and this feeling you’re experiencing is all you’re going to feel. Even though that feeling lasts maybe a few days to a few months at the very most. Still, knowing this and being in a situation where I want my situation to change and I so badly want to be the one to do it but I’m so frightened of how I’m feeling/how I’ve felt and acted these past couple of months.. that I’m still probably going to do nothing about it then. And just try my hardest to come to terms with this situation. And it hurts so much I often don’t know what to do with myself. Even just a half second recollection or reminiscing causes me to feel I’m about to breakdown and cry. And a few times I have. I haven’t been this bad since like ’16.. Still I know that feeling isn’t permanent I just wish knowing that helped any and I wish it still didn’t feel like it was. The last thing I learned is that despite your idea of the world and your wants for certain things to be different. They won’t be and there’s often very little you can do to change some situations and all the wishing isn’t going to change a damn thing about it either. The world kind of just does it’s own thing. The people in it go about their lives and the world still spins. It will continue doing that with or without me or my interaction with it. Ultimately all that I do is meaningless and will be forgotten and so am I. And that is both very comforting just as it is depressing.

-T.

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