I am going to try one bizarre thing and try one more time to write like how I used to. To try and gain that feeling I once had back when this site meant something to me. And to try and do that I’m going to try and talk less about situations, events, and people because even though they have a huge impact on how I feel about something or just how I feel in general, but in the end that’s not what I want to talk about. Not entirely at least. It made me feel better until I became more aware of how intermingled people and the site were and more self conscious about every word I typed out. I want to talk about depression. More specifically my depression and how I’m currently trying to just endure it, but also depression in general. I don’t think there is a reason this time for why I’m depressed and there doesn’t always need to be a reason. Sometimes people just get depressed because that’s what their body or their brain is making them feel. A chemical imbalance. Sure, there are some things that I keep reminding myself of that never fail to put me in a terrible mood, things that still hurt me and things that make me really sad or hurt, but I know for certain none of these things are the reason for them so even if it would be easier to blame them it wouldn’t fix anything. I feel like if I told people now I am still severely depressed, they’d probably be like, “What? You didn’t really seem like it at all.” And they’d be right because while the days before I was so down in the dumps that I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I didn’t ignore people, but I also didn’t start any conversations and anytime anybody did ask how I was I would respond in a pretty honest answer of really shitty.
Then, almost over night I didn’t feel that feeling anymore and it was a little exciting because it’s easy to think “hey I feel like kind of good right now, maybe this terrible funk I was in has passed.” That’s an easy mistake to make and though I’ve been through this quite a few times already, I still seem to fall for it quite often so I wouldn’t blame anyone for doing so either. I can’t say most people feel this way when they go through a depression because I have learned that my experiences with it are a bit more abnormal than most, but I will say that even for people who aren’t as off in the head as me there are times in your depression where you won’t feel shitty and you’ll actually feel happy or content but you can still be depressed and the lows could come again. That’s why it’s important to still try and work on becoming healthier, making your situation and even just your perspective on your situation and those around you better. The last time I felt this terrible that’s exactly what I tried doing. i tried to make my situation better, but it seemed to fall back into the place it was before so once that moment of mania ended I was right back where I started. So now that I’m in pretty much, Round 2 of whatever this is. It feels a lot worse. Almost like a punishment for not learning from the first time. Still, depression isn’t just the lows even though a lot of people just naturally assume that it is. Like I said before, it’s an imbalance. The lows and the highs are counteracting each other to find some healthy medium, even if it feels like it’s mainly just the lows but realistically that’s just what we remember the most. I go through episodes of mania when I’m depressed that’s more happy than happy usually is and sometimes its just because like how I fell into the depression in the first place, I sort of just woke up feeling this way. Other times its because of an event or worse because of a person. I’d like to warn everybody who might ever stumble upon this post, if you’re ever equating your happiness to something that’s happened or to someone you have in your life that happiness will be unstable. Memories fade and change meaning based on when you remember them and people come and go so you’re giving someone or something control of your happiness that can easily take it away sometimes without even knowing it. I’m not saying these things can’t help make you happy, but it’s important to know their presence isn’t the sole reason.
It’s important to try and keep control of your feelings and there are plenty of times where it’s easy to give that control to someone else in hopes that they help you feel so much better, but they don’t always. I make that mistake a lot. Both with platonic and non-platonic relationships I’ve had. It’s easy for me to go “I’m feeling really nice and this is the why” and so many times I have felt like I have just been waiting for something to happen because of it. When I’m not happy I think, oh it’s okay because I feel bad right now but once that thing that makes me happy is back into my life then I’ll be happy again. And big surprise most of the time even after weeks or months of waiting once that thing does come back, it doesn’t make you happy anymore. Not just by itself at least. This has happened to me so many times and it’s ended with me being pretty much just lost and confused. I want to be happy, and I thought this would make me happy so now that it doesn’t… now what? This is where I have the most trouble honestly. Even though I’ve continuously said that this is “something I’m working on,” I just don’t know how to not do that. I’m rarely ever even aware of it until it’s too late. All of this makes it easy to get attached to a person or a memory and I honestly shouldn’t have to tell anybody why this is not a good idea. It’ll push them away, it’ll make you feel really lost if that person ever leaves, and its just not a very stable way of remaining happy. I keep saying I need to work on all these things but then I do them again so I don’t know what I need to do. Be more self aware? Stop bringing in people on my journey of self destruction because it’s only hurting them? I don’t know, but not this.
I tend to do this thing in many of my friendships and it’s that for some inexplicable reason (in some of my friendships) I tend to give the other person total control in the relationship. I end up sitting in the back row of a performance that I should be co-directing. Yet, I don’t. This
March 20th, 2017 It was 8 pm. I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I was numb, and I only felt relief. There were no more lies, and I had clarity for the first time in weeks. I didn’t want to break up; I actually loved her. But she didn’t love me. Not anymore.
This site has been up since 2013 and it has been one of the few things I’m proud of, it’s essentially just a blog but with my focus to talk about topics and feelings rather than about situations and people it allowed people to relate to my posts, to read them and even if they