Once again I’m obsessed with a certain song and I’ve been replaying it over and over again. I tend to do that a lot. Whenever I hear a song when I’m feeling shitty or even a song that makes me feel even better when I’m already feeling pretty good that song sticks with me. I’m not very good with words. At least I’m not good with them when it comes to speaking. I never really know how to express how I’m feeling partially because I’m just so anxious when it comes to talking but also probably because I never really understand what it is I’m going through until I’ve had some time to reflect or when I have to think it out to write in one of these blog posts. And even then its just my idea of what I think I’m feeling then and why I think I’m feeling it which is only right a portion of the time. So when I can’t quite get out the words or even understand what it is that I’m feeling, I resort to expressing myself through the music, books, or movies that I like because there’s often an important (to me at least) reason for me being so attached to these things. Either it’s because I looked too into the lyrics and related it to something I was going through at the time, because I watched/listened to it during a rough time, or I see myself in the main character and saying hey this is one of my favorite movies is one of my last ditch efforts of showing people who I am… Whatever that reason is there’s some sort of association I have attributed to that. Everyone does this to some extent. I just hate that I do it so often and that I remember most of them and what associations I have with them.

The current song I’m obsessed with by the way is Flamin Hot Cheetos by Clairo. Hence the title. I can already see myself holding onto the meaning of the song more than the actual song itself. The lyrics I keep hearing over and over and each verse I go “yes that’s how I’m feeling right now. exactly.” It starts off with:

Sometimes I feel like I just wanna go back to my old ways
You’re telling me I’m silly
It’s no fun in the old days
I’m such a romantic
I never remember how things really happen
I guess you’re attractive
Or something

Seeing as I’ve spent the past couple of months pretty obsessed with the past. More specifically, past relationships. I’ve been extremely guilty of wanting things to go back to the way they were. I want to go back to the way I was, but I don’t like the way I was. I loathe the way I used to be. I’m not too fond of how I am now, but at least it’s an improvement. Still I look back and I just remember the good parts. I remember the long nights where we would just talk about whatever. I miss having someone see me like I mattered. Their eyes shined when they saw me and her face would light up when she’d see me.  However maybe that’s just something I was projecting and that was just how I felt about her. This song I’m not sure if it really reminds me of a specific person as much as it just reminds me of past feelings. There’s definitely a lot of songs I have attributed to specific people. I’m not really sure how into detail I should really go about these situations but I seriously doubt any of these people in these songs would read this so fuck it. I can’t listen to She’s Got You High without being reminded of how awful I felt stumbling upon my high school crush’s video to her boyfriend. It was a cute video using handwritten cards talking about how she couldn’t wait to see him and how she wanted to be able to lay down, cuddle, and kiss him under the shade of a tree. I hate to admit it but seeing that is the reason I’ve included a tree in the icon and it’s been a big part of the novel I am STILL trying to write. It was the main place he would go to in his head to escape. Which is a little ironic considering that imagery often gave me anxiety.

Live in the moment
That’s what they tell me
But what ever happened
To when you would hold me
And hold me
And hold me

I’m again, living too much in the past. I’m being told by people to move on.. that it’ll just get easier but I can’t help but to think.. yeah but what about the good times.. “When you would hold me”. This is also very embarrassing but I was so dead-set on the fact that Mr. Brightside was definitely a retelling of my complicated middle school relationship. She was in and out of relationships, but we were passing notes every day so I mean we were basically in love. Really, I was just too anxious and too scared to take a chance and I think she was waiting for me to make a movie which I never did.. not a big move at least. First Date by Blink 182 reminds me of my car rides to my dad’s house because that was his favorite band and one of the few CD’s he actually had when he would come pick me up. First Date was my favorite song and every time I got in the car I would ask “can you play that song that goes na na naah night lasts foreveeer” which meant we spent most of the time just trying to re-find the song I could never remember the name to or even any lyrics too. I used to associate musicals and a very specific musical to a certain person who is one of the sole reasons I ever got into musicals in the first place. I still kind of do. It reminds me of the time I auditioned for the high school play only because she asked me too and I think she did that because she knew it was something I was totally anxious doing and I’m glad my crush on her helped motivate me to come out of my shell. Even if I did do awful and looked like an idiot most of that time. I met new people, someone who I may have not gotten to get all that close with but I still appreciate very much because of just how caring and nice they were the short time we did know each other. Oh My God by Ida Maria was my “I’m having a mental breakdown and I don’t know what to do” song that I always listened to whenever I was just about to hit rock bottom so now each time I listen to that song I am reminded to just how bad I can let things get. I listened to The Frights during a break up which I didn’t initially realize was that big of a deal to me, but seeing as listening to them was one of the few things that kept my head above water at the time it had more of an effect on me than I really wanted to admit. I mean they just happened to release the song “Valentine’s Sux” along with naming the concert to which I saw them live at with the very same name so close to after things ended and I had to look forward to a lonely valentines.. it was difficult to not associate that song and that band with her. I still do and I fucking hate it because I love the band and I don’t want to think about her each time I listen to them.. Its even worse with their song “Whatever“.

Girlfriend or girl, that’s a friend?
It’s easy just to pretend
That we don’t have something real

I wanna be the one you think about at night
And I wanna be the one that you would put up a fight for
You know that I adore
That even when you’re bored
I’d buy you anything and everything I can’t afford

I think most of these lyrics and why I relate to them seem to be self explanatory. I don’t know if I associate this verse with a specific person, again. Maybe I do. Maybe more of an idea of a person.  I’ve found myself a lot being very interested in the people my past relationships had hung out with after we’ve sort of ended. I just hate that I’m like “who’s this person? are they a thing?” I can be like a fucking teenage girl sometimes. And yeah I keep thinking that I would like to be that person for them. Someone they adore, someone who’d stand up for me but also somebody who made me want to put up a fight for them too. I want to be the one they think about at night and not be the person who’s spending their nights thinking about them. I don’t know whether these associations are bad are good for me because some of these associations do bring up nice and fond memories but not all of them. I would like to be able to listen to some of these songs without wanting to break down, that’s for sure..

– T.