This is something I’ve lived with most of my life without really knowing what it was or if it really was anything other than my own inner monologue. Automatic thoughts, the thoughts that go through your head that are often negative which aren’t always in your control. For me its always been that voice in my head that told me how uncomfortable I make people, just how awkward I’m being, and how things are always going to be like this. Shitty. And I believed this voice because I thought it was my voice and who would know me more than mr, right? Well, the funny thing is that even though I want to get better, both mentally and physically, but there’s always been something inside me sabotaging myself and making my life worse. I’ve lived so long thinking this part of my inner monologue was just a part of me and all these negative thoughts about myself and how helpless I am in any of these situations, but I am now realizing this is an aspect of all of us. Except I have just made myself to believe that this is normal and all me.
Everybody has their own automatic thoughts, that irrational voice in our head that tells us we will never be quite enough. That you’re an awful person, or you’re too whatever.. And the more you listen to this voice the worse off you’ll be because it isn’t you. At least not entirely. We all have this part of us that is extremely self sabotaging and fortunately many of us learn to ignore it and not give this voice so much power. However, some of us aren’t so fortunate or don’t have the will power to shut it up so we let this part of us torment us and ruin our friendships and just our lives in general. I wish I was writing this so I could say how to not listen to these thoughts, but I can’t because I honestly don’t know how. I’m still figuring that out myself, but I will say knowing that even automatic thoughts existed and these thoughts arent entirely mine helps a little. It makes it easier to distinguish which thoughts are my conscious thoughts and which ones are the automatic harmful ones. It is still hard to not listen and believe them when they appear but in hindsight I know which thoughts I’ve believed aren’t entirely true. And that helps if even just a little bit.
I don’t talk much. Anybody who knows me would know that im often a very quiet reserved person, until I’m really comfortable with a person. Even then I just become a little less reserved but still pretty awkward and quiet. Since I don’t talk much I have often associated myself and my identity with my thoughts and feelings which has become problematic especially now when I’m depressed and my automatic thoughts tend to be louder and more confident than any of my other thoughts. This talking in my head, telling me I’m being weird or that my friends are going to leave me when they no longer need me.. Its just going through my head all the damn time. Its distracting, it ruins my self esteem, and most importantly it keeps me from just being myself. I want to be able to talk and have fun with my friends but all these worries and anxieties tend to prohibit me from doing so. I don’t think there’s an easy fix for me to stop these thoughts from making my life more difficult, but I feel if people are aware of these automatic thoughts and learn to ignore them before they really take control, then maybe they’ll have an easier time with it going forward. So to anyone reading this (if anybody actually does) and has felt like they’ve had these thoughts telling them they’re not good enough or whatever.. To look up and research automatic thoughts so you can know how to deal with them. I’d hate for anyone else to go through what ive let them have me go through.
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I think there is a certain amount of preciousness in the little things. Flowers growing through the sidewalk, seeing the start of a tree in a tiny flower pot. The innocent beginning of a relationship. Or even seemingly meaningless questions, like, ” Hey, did you happen to eat today?” Or, ” How did you sleep
My birthday is coming up again in a couple days. I look back at my post around this time last year before I turned 21, and I almost want to say I was completely wrong. I don’t think it had anything to do with age or the number 21, but it feels like this past