God it’s almost frightening how similar my thoughts and feelings are to things I have written in the past. Here’s the post I made April 3rd, 2013. I suppose I’m stuck in a rut, a never ending cycle that will happen to me every couple of years. I sure hope not, but we’ll see.
A few days ago I wrote about how one can make irrational decisions and actions while being affected by depression and there was more to it then just making stupid mistakes. I can say that, in the past few months, I have made some choices that have affected how the rest of my high school experience (and even my life) will play out. It’s gotten to the point that in order to get better, I’m pretty sure I have to stop trying to fix what I have done when I was not in the right mindset and instead… just move on. Actually, I should start completely over, forgetting about the events that have transpired. I’m being held back by hopes that everything can be the way they were when I first started off this year. In the beginning of the year, I was optimistic and naive, hoping that my anxieties would go away or I could work to overcome them. That’s when I had the “bright” idea of going to a doctor who will prescribe me medication. This is the biggest mistake I made this year, because it was the cause. I wasn’t broken and didn’t need medicine to fix me. Instead, the medication made me broken and unstable, brought upon mood swings and depression. The medication has clouded up my rational thinking and I wish now that I could go back and stop me from initially taking them. When I started feeling worse, I was only prescribed more and more because I continued to get worse and worse. It was only until recently did it occur to me that the reason I got worse was because of the dose increases. Sure, it would seem like a poor cop out to blame the events and choices all on the medication, but I’m not only blaming it on the medication. I’m smart enough to understand that I still made the choices despite having a cloudy mind, and to those I may have hurt or abandoned I sincerely apologize and will try my hardest not to continue making stupid mistakes.
To my old friends that I have forsaken, I thought for quite some time about what my next move would be to resolving this issue. I thought of apologizing to everyone about leaving without notice, but I couldn’t. I’m not sorry, because it’s not entirely my fault. That might just be my convoluted and cloudy mind, but there were other factors of which I can’t apologize for. I made the decision to leave and stay by myself, but it was for a good reason. I didn’t trust how I might have acted or what I would have done if I was near the source of my emotional pain. Before, I tried to resolve it but I knew what had happened changed the way everyone looked at me, the awkwardness when I’m near and simply being ignored by a few and no longer being invited to events that I found were once my only excuse of getting out of the house. I was upset when first realizing what isolating myself had done on the opinions my peers had of me, but now I just want to get on with my life. So, I’m starting anew and will hopefully make a new set of friends or I’ll finish my high school year with the few group of people who have been important in this process I have been going through. I’ll have the chance to start completely new when I go to college and am no longer surrounded by those who are aware of the past me, so that way I can truly reinvent myself. For now I will have to settle with reinventing myself in my mind, which I have already.
This isn’t the first time I’ve decided to start new and change who I was. I have on a few occasions before, preventing myself from worrying about the mistakes of the past. The biggest example I can think of is my transition from middle school to high school. In middle school, I faintly remember being more talkative and kind of annoying at times. I stood out, unlike how I do now, but because of that I got bullied. I changed who I was completely to defend myself. Unfortunately, that didn’t have the best results because I’d rather get made fun of and/or beat up then to live feeling invisible. I still find it surprising when someone knows my name. Despite the past negative outcomes of starting fresh had brought, I still want to start new. I can only hope this time won’t have the same result, and I won’t block the past few months from my memory like I have for most of my middle school experience. The blocked memory makes it seem like the me now and in middle school were two entirely different people, but I’m starting to realize I’m just trying to not take responsibility for the mistakes and stupidity of those years. I will try not to forget these past few months and will try to learn from them.
And going through that, there isn’t a whole lot different to what I am currently going through/have gone through. Just replace high school, with the past 2 years and high school high school with my newer friends. Actually, the events that happened recently have been much more severe than anything I’ve gone through. It felt like December 2012 all over again. It’s done though and um well I deserted my friends and will probably continue to leave them be to sort themselves out.. I really don’t like writing about those that are likely to read this, but I suppose there’s no getting around that this time when it involves just about everyone who has read my posts. They might, or they might not. I just can’t bottle these things up anymore and telling them even a sliver of the truth of what’s going on with me hurts them and I don’t want to hurt them anymore. I suppose leaving is probably going to do some bad, but as it’s been brought to my attention being there, being their friend hurt them much more. So, I guess this is goodbye. I’ll be okay, so if you’re reading this and think this is an ultimate farewell it’s not. It’s an end to an era. An era that I loved dearly, and would honestly consider it the best of my life. If given the opportunity to go back, knowing things would play out the way they did and end the way they did. I’d do it all over again. I’d always do it all over again. But I can’t unfortunately so there is only moving forward. Starting new. Looking ahead and stopping the past, and this idea that I need to fix things to make them back to the way they used to be, stop all of that from allowing me to progress as a human being because a lot of these feelings have kept me from growing up past high school. I’m 21 for fucks sake. It’s probably about time I start acting like it.
Farewell. I love you and I’ll miss you. I’ll miss me too.