I’m not very proud of it but I’m an escapist. It’s both a character flaw and just a general character trait of mine. I have the tendency to just want to escape from most of my problems, or this boring world. I’ve done that in the past through an assortment of options; I would listen to music at a deafening volume to drown out everything else around me, I’d ignore the world around me while I was continuing the adventures of Daniel Rigg’s final year of high school in the novel that at this point I’m sure I won’t even likely get close to finishing. The point is: I’m in love with the idea of running away. Maybe more so than I am in love with the idea of being in love. And I love the concept of love so much that it’s at times one of the only things that keeps me going. That unrealistic idea that there’s somebody out there for me who’s perfectly compatible with my awkward, anxiety-ridden personality that I will love more than I could ever care about myself and not this time just because I don’t care about myself at all but because I just actually care about someone that much that their well being trumps any comfortability or well being issues I might have myself. I am starting to feel that way about someone, I just don’t know how to express that. I’ve stood so firmly behind the idea that I am usually very upfront and genuine, because i just don’t have the social skills or energy to attempt to lie. It takes a bit out of me to lie, I don’t quite understand how people do it so easily. Anyway, I might still be a bit honest, but I’m not even close to being upfront. It’s easier to say nothing than it is to open up and be vulnerable again.

— Ouch it’s always weird going back on old posts and trying to finish a thought or idea I started weeks or months back. It’s like an almost unforgotten look back into the past look into my past feelings/thoughts. I started this post about 3 months ago. That’s how long some of these drafts I go back on to try and finish are. I have an idea of what I want to write and I will still hold on to that idea and want to try and finish the thought but it’s always a surprise to see how my opinions on that certain topic might have changed or just my situation. This time it’s my situation… by a lot. I was and am probably going to still try and touch on my feelings of escapism and trying to start new (which might even be more applicable now) but its upsetting to see my naive self look hopeful into a relationship that ultimately ended in the exact way my seemingly irrational anxieties and fears were telling me they were going to. I didn’t listen to any of them because I figured, well I knew, most of that was just me interjecting my own feelings about whether I’m even worthy of love or the attention I got. I didn’t think I deserved it and there must have been some reason she seemed to like me because there was no way she did. I kept myself emotionally distant at first but just as I thought “Hey I might actually really like this person. I see myself being with this person for a long time.” That rug was pulled right from under me. Once I let those anxieties die i fell deeply in infatuation. The poor bastard saw it coming, but since he thought it was him being ridiculous.. didn’t actually see it coming. And man did that hurt. Everyone else thought it was just as ridiculous but look who was right! That person tried coming back into my life, but maybe I’ll talk about that in another draft I end up finishing or a new post entirely.

So let’s think back to my mindset when I first started this post. Let’s go into as much detail as I’m willing to go about the “Allyson” phase of my life. I really don’t want to give her that much influence over my life but shes the most distinguishing part of this phase in my life where I started to begin to feel this deeply rooted loneliness that I never saw going away. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t suicidal. Well actually that’s not true, I was very much suicidal. I just wasn’t at any risk of actually killing myself. Things seemed hopeless. I cried to my therapist telling her I was scared I wouldn’t ever know how to properly interact with people and that the friends I did have would slowly widdle away. My best friend had just moved far away and not long after he moved I tried giving him advice on the girl he was interested in because it sounded like from what he had told me that she wasn’t all that sure what she wanted and was using him while she figured it out. And I knew she was going to hurt him. That conversation created a rift. A very clear rift I was afraid was going to completely end our almost decade long friendship. Then came Allyson. She made me feel all the feelings I was worried I’d never have the chance to feel again. Something about it was weird though. I was anxious the whole time about it. I was almost pressured into it which was weird considering how desperate I was then.. that even though I wanted all that she was giving me it still felt like none of it was my choice. Anyway.. that’s when I started to think of how much I wanted to get away. I think I was more leaning to the idea of thinking how wonderful it’d be to escape with her. Drive far away and start a new life together. Although honestly at the time I also wasn’t really sure how I felt about her and the anxiety I kept getting every time we were together made me also really want to escape her. I was so done with everything and I just felt like I fucked up everything I possibly could and the only way I could try and even attempt at a life I’m content with was to completely start anew.

I feel that way even more so now. Not because of Allyson or the way she treated me. In fact I think that phase of my life has already gone and passed. She’s been reduced to an anecdote at this point. I’m in a new phase that I’m not so sure how I feel about. I honestly think it might be worse. It feels like things seem good right now but everything is getting fucked up in the background. Things are slowly bubbling to the surface and the shit storm is just ready to be released. I was asked if I wanted to move out of the country with someone I care about deeply if the opportunity arose and I didn’t even hesitate. Now I think they might have the opportunity to move and I think they’re going to do it without me and that’s alright because I can’t just expect to be dragged along because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. If they do go I’m going to miss them. I’m going to miss them dearly and I hate myself that I haven’t been able to tell them that and I’m afraid they’re going to be gone for a long time before I am able to. I just want to get better and be better but all those pasts memories, feelings, doubts, anxieties.. they’re all holding me back. Or more so.. I’m using them as an excuse to hold me back. I’d like to think that an entirely new environment would help me get escape all of these.. but I know it won’t. I know my past is stuck with me until I can fully confront them and move on from it. I know that I’m not going to just change by making myself into a clean-slate because the old me will still come back. You can’t just forget who you used to be. I know. I’ve tried. So as romantic and wonderful the idea of escaping and going on a road trip and just traveling the country without any real life/adult stresses.. it’s not realistic and it’s very unhealthy. Harmful even.

Will that mean I’m going to stop trying to imagine a new life away from everyone I used to know, everything I’ve done, all my past mistakes? Seriously doubt it.

-T.