I’ve probably talked about this topic in some way or another in previous posts of mine because of how important music is in my healing process. Well, not just the HEALING process, I guess. I just get emotionally attached to songs and which song often depends on which emotion. The main example I always keep using is “Oh My God” by Ida Maria. It’s one of, if not, my favorite songs and that’s more so because of the connection I’ve created with this song while going through what I was going through in high school. It was the song I turned up until I couldn’t hear the world around me anymore and I listened to it on repeat for hours on end just to try and forget everything. The class work, the responsibilities, expectations, girls.. just everything. It’s that song I can always listen to and feel like I can scream out the lyrics just to get out any bottled up anger or sadness. It’s been a literal life saver some days. However, because of all this, listening to it doesn’t always put me at ease. Especially when I’m not fully aware of just how deep in the dumps I am. It’s the song I use to comfort myself almost right before I’m about to hit my breaking point and reaching the breaking point is never fun so this song has become some sort of a warning signal my subconscious makes to myself to warn me “Hey you’re about to pop!” I have become aware of this and my feelings more because of my repeated listening to of certain songs more so than by the actual feelings and the emotions that I think I’m currently feeling.
Which I suppose brings me to my original/beginning title of this post “Ne Me Quitte Pas”.. which I was going to leave as the whole title but I didn’t think it would be that obvious it’s a song title. Ne Me Quitte Pas (Don’t Leave Me) is a song by Regina Spektor I have been listening to on repeat and I don’t know if that means that maybe this is my comfort song for these situations that I’ve been going through the past week or two or maybe I’ve just replaced “Oh My God” for my official “I’m going batshit crazy someone please come help me” song. I don’t think that’s the case. Well, correction, I hope that isn’t the case. I don’t feel like I’m feeling any of those feelings that I normally feel before hitting the deepest of dumps. Sure, I’m torn up and really hurt by the things I’ve had to do for my own well-being (God that sounds awful I know, but I just need some time for me to get back to where I need to be and I couldn’t do that before). It’ll pass though hopefully. Hopefully it isn’t this cyclical depression that I’ve grown so familiar with my whole life. Signs point to it being not that because I am still able to enjoy time playing with friends (though my current mood has made me get more socially exhausted quicker but that isn’t anything a quick coding break couldn’t fix.)
Music is so tied to my emotions that my playlists are often more based on around feelings that songs evoke in me rather than artists/genres or whatever people usually do to organize their music playlists. I’ve got sad playlists that I listen to when I feel sad, playlists I play when I’m angry, and so on.. I can also probably mention most songs or a group of songs in the playlists and recall a feeling it evokes and/or the moment/people in my life I have associated the songs with. Musicals might actually be ruined for me because of the people I have associated them with. Next To Normal was my favorite musical too and I miss listening to it, but I don’t feel the same listening to it so much that it feels like I’m listening to entirely different songs (songs that kind of make me feel pretty awful too now.) “She’s Got You High” used to have that effect on me. It was in a video that someone I used to like had posted and that song always evoked that feeling of longing, of wanting to tell her my real feelings but thankfully now it’s finally become just a song to me. That person isn’t in my life anymore and I’m not saying I’ve totally forgot that person and the feelings I felt just that that person isn’t on my mind all day/everyday like she used to be and those feelings have long since worn out. Eventually that will be the case for Next To Normal and the other songs I have negative associations with. Until then…
Ne Me Quitte Pas, Mon Cher
-Tristan