I wish life never had to change. It seems naive and I know it’s wring but there’s too much that’s gone wrong in my life for me to easily welcome change. It started two years ago. That’s when it became unbearable. Two years since emotional abuse so bad the wounds still haven’t come close to healing. I can’t be in a relationship to this day without wanting to throw up after more that a few days.
Last night he told me he loved me, he doesn’t know that I want to die. He has no idea that when I said ‘I love you’ back that I didn’t mean it. I have no clue how to end this hell. It’s not fair to him. He feel in love with someone who’s broken and now he’s going to learn what it feels like to be cut by those edges.
This all comes down to a simple fact; I hurt everyone I care about in some way shape or form. How can one person fuck their own life up so much? Stay tuned to find out.
It’s an odd feeling to desire to hold hands and cuddle and be loved but at the same time be so deeply terrified and scarred that once anything like that happens you instantly become so anxious it’s hard to function. I am a deeply broken person and I’m not quite sure how to heal.
I’d like to think one day I can be laying in bed at night with the person I love and be completely content, but if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t see that happening. I’m too fucked up to be loved. I think it will just be a manner of learning to live with that. That’s what’s gonna take a while. That’s the closest to healing I can get.
To be unlovable is to be broken, and I am shattered beyond repair.
Having a very morbid thought of life, I often have the view that life here is pointless, because eventually everyone who knew you will forget you. Unless you do something truly amazing, or evil (Hitler or Stalin), you won’t be remembered that long after your death. That’s inevitable. Your life story won’t entirely be told,
March 20th, 2017 It was 8 pm. I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I was numb, and I only felt relief. There were no more lies, and I had clarity for the first time in weeks. I didn’t want to break up; I actually loved her. But she didn’t love me. Not anymore.