White Whale

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This one’s going to be a hard one to write. Maybe one I shouldn’t even write even but I’m going to see if I can without it getting too emotionally charged or without it being too telling, I guess? This is very tricky because I don’t know how quite to say what it is that I’ve been obsessing over. It’s also an issue of who am I writing this for. I like to think that these are just for me and it’s simply just a means of me getting out all this shit in my head and for the most part that’s what it indeed is, but I can’t completely ignore the fact that these have gotten read before. They’ve been read a few times specifically by the people that were involved in that posts and sometimes there’s a clear reason that this shit should stay in my head or that I shouldn’t put into words an impulsive thought that I’ll snap out of not feel anymore a couple days after hitting that big red “Publish” button. This is a real issue of mine because I have such a hard time talking to people, especially if I’m afraid that saying certain things will scare off the people I care about I hold it in but I have a hard time just shoving everything down despite trying and I end up doing dumb shit like this where I write exactly all of the shit I’ve been thinking about and all that I wanted to talk about.. without actually talking about it. It’s even worse with tumblr posts because at least with these I take some time to think about what it is I want to talk about, but with tumblr I just see posts that I relate to and get into the habit of thinking well if I can’t talk about how I’m feeling then maybe this is a way of expressing that. Maybe they’ll notice. For both this site’s posts and tumblr they almost never do, and that’s a good thing because it makes me more comfortable to continue expressing myself (though maybe that’s not really for the best) but also it leaves me frustrated and unsatisfied because what I’m looking for is some sort of catharsis, some understanding that somebody gets what I’m going through and that’s difficult to ask of people when 1) you’re not explaining to them what it is you’re going through and 2) you just don’t really know much about it either. These past couple of months have sort of been a journey of self-discovery but mainly its been a path of self-destruction.

For as long as I’ve known I’ve had quite an obsession with the idea of love, of companionship like that was the end all be all. I don’t have much future plans but I did know that eventually I wanted to settle down and be happy with someone I truly loved. Someone who loved me more than anything and that I would do anything to make happy and to protect. Call this my white whale, or call her one. Captain Ahab spent his entire life seeking revenge searching for the white whale that hurt him. That took his leg he was driven by this drive for revenge. Though this isn’t revenge motivated obviously, it’s still very similar in that I’ve been letting this obsession drive me to the edges of the sea away from everyone, and away from my real problems. This obsession is or at least was going to get me killed. It nearly did or maybe it still will. Well actually that’s not quite as accurate. I might still get killed but to blame it solely on this would be naive. My head’s a mess right now and I’ve been so incredibly and so deeply depressed but I know for a fact that it’s not because of this. Sure, this isn’t helping in the slightest but this is mainly just what I have been fixated and thinking about obsessively since I’ve fallen into this “funk.” It’s easy for me to get a fixation and spend all my time thinking about that and it’s not always a person. In fact, I’d like to say more often than not it really isn’t a person but mostly a form of media or an idea, but every now and then I do begin to fall for people. And especially when those people have had an important influence in your life, they make you feel safe, wanted, and loved.. They are more beautiful than words could ever describe and just seeing their face and their smile could stop my heart for just a fraction of my second. That’s almost definitely these rose-colored glasses I keep looking through, and perhaps I’m more in love with the idea of this person than them. To say this situation is a bit complicated is seriously an understatement.

I suppose it’s okay to get your heart broken. It’s just a part of life, some people won’t feel the same way you feel for them. Some people can’t. Sometimes you can’t feel that way even despite how much you’d really like to. There will come a day where this will all seem embarrassing and like a stupid unnecessary mess but for now I’m stuck in it. Stuck feeling shitty, stuck obsessing over the impossible, over a feeling that will go away soon I’m sure but in this moment feels permanent and overwhelming. This post was written before, during, and after what happened between us two and my head just in general is all over the fucking place so if there isn’t a consistent tone/message I apologize, that’s because I’m still going through the process of trying to figure out how I feel and what to do about how I feel. Well I was trying to figure out what to do about it, but I suppose I already decided. It was something I was on the fence for for a while, especially considering I made it almost impulsively but then I saw something that made me stick with it. Something small, something dumb to have such a reaction too but it deeply hurt nonetheless. I expected it too, just not so quickly and knowing it was going to happen wouldn’t have made it hurt less anyway, no matter when it happened/when I read it. A damn instagram status update. I saw you starting to try and move on and despite that being what I ultimately wanted it still hurt. Still, I thought I’d give you the opportunity to and I guess I wanted to give myself that opportunity to too.. again. Hopefully this time it’ll stick. If you ever do read this, I don’t think anyone’s read any of these in a long time so I doubt it.. but if you do. You’re not the toxic one, I don’t know how I can make that any clearer. It’s me. You deserve nothing but happiness and I know soon you’ll find it, even if it’s not with me.

-T.

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