It was just about a month since I wrote about nostalgia last and my feelings have changed a bit since then. Naturally. I still think nostalgia as a feeling as a negative feeling to continue having and to be addicted to. Well for me at least. It’s been a primary reason of why it has been so easy to become obsessive at times and just get stuck in this cycle of longing and then followed by self-hatred/self-pity when things don’t work out the way I wished they would. It’s something I admittedly hadn’t done for a good while but this has been not the greatest time in my life. It’s been very embarrassing how bad things got actually. I don’t know if I’m really any better, it feels like I am and I can look back at what’s happened with what feels like hindsight without all that emotional bullshit that was corrupting my way of seeing things. Now I’m kind of just playing that game of “Hey is this just the manic phase of my depression or am I feeling better now?” It’s too early to say one way or another so I’m just going to ride this out and hope that its the latter and if it isn’t then maybe I can try and figure out some more healthy coping mechanisms during this phase. So what made me feel “better”, so to speak?  Don’t actually know! Time’s probably my best bet and talking with some (previously) old friends has helped a little, but in addition to that there was a small event that I guess was the start in how I started to think about things and see the world.

I listen to the same playlist.. let’s say MOST of the time. More often than not I’m listening to music and when I am listening I am almost guaranteed to be listening to the same playlist and to take that even further there tends to be the same song or two that I fixate on for a good bit before I switch to another couple of songs after that fixation has died out. It was recently the song “Blood On Yr Sundress” by Teen Scientist Girl Monthly. This was a band I just discovered like this month or last thanks to spotify’s suggestions. And I didn’t think much of it until I just randomly decided that I check out some of their other songs so I could add more songs to the ol’ playlist and I came across some pretty neat songs. Really loved Summer Skin, Dark Rip, and then I started listening to the song Safari by them. I’m loving the song as it starts.. something about the lead singer’s voice makes all their songs so nice to listen to. Then the chorus finally hits and then it fucking hits me. I know this song. I’ve known this song for a LONG time actually! And it’s so weird how I knew instantly just where from. I never knew the name of the song, who sang it, and I never even heard any part that wasn’t the non verbal “Whoah oh oh ohhh”s in the chorus but I heard that so many times growing up I knew exactly where. This will sound dumb or meaningless but I remember it from just a youtube channel I used to watch, BriTANick, and immediately so many past feelings and memories came flooding in. I first started watching this channel back when they were first uploading (around) which was nearly a decade ago but their videos were always my favorite and followed their new uploads religiously (which took some effort because they rarely did make any new stuff). Not only did the times during when I used to watch this to help me get through some rough times come flooding back into my memory but even the little moments attached to that like how the actress from one of these sketches later became a sort of well known actress and stars in the show iZombie now and with that came its own series of memories and associations. Most of which used to be bad, but in this moment the bad memories themselves I felt indifferent to but instead they’ve just led me to more memories and associations I did enjoy.

Even the shitty parts that come with past memories of crushes and the heart breaks that followed them came a time where I felt happy. Where this person made me feel special, wanted, appreciated.. whatever it was that I needed at the time. And there was a time where just seeing them made me happy and I wanted to do whatever I could to make them feel if even just a fraction of how happy they made me.. Even with the toxic relationships I had in the past (and a bit some of the relationships I was the toxic one in) there are nice times and I can now look back and smile because at least these times happened. There was a lot of shit surrounding it but there are very brief moments of true genuine happiness that was sprinkled in-between and I’m still very thankful I had them. Thankfully I was able to learn something from these experiences with people; whether it was something I learned about myself, how not to be an idiot and get myself hurt again, or just what to look for when seeking out the next person I want to try getting close with because that’s really an important decision to make and most of us will make a few wrong choices along the way, sometimes we’ll even see a few right choices as wrong or vice versa until its too late and you can’t do anything about it. What I guess I’m trying to say is that even if there are bad associations with a person, past memory, whatever.. and believe me I have plenty of those, even through those you can find nice moments and get some enjoyment from the fact that they still happened. And maybe even look forward to it happening again maybe with someone else or something even better entirely. The world, your experiences, and yourself isn’t as stagnant as you’d like to think. Sure you’re not always on the path of reform and self improvement.. there will be times when you relapse and falter but that won’t be permanent either.

So am I happy things turned out the way they did? No not really. Sure some good things came out of it but mainly all I took from it is I’m not as over some things as I thought I was. Not as over them as I WANTED to be. However with each passing day it’s been easier and easier coming to terms that at this point there’s nothing really I can do about it.  Am I okay with how they turned out? Yeah I mean I’d like to think I’m getting there. You can’t force things, and if you can’t have that relationship you once had with someone. With how close you used to be, just move on from it entirely. It’s impossible to still see someone everyday and want something more than what you guys have. It’s not an enjoyable experience for anybody involved. I’ve thought less and less about things as time has passed, as I’ve started talking more with new(ish) people, and forcing myself to actually go out and do things and meet new people. It’s helped me not need any of this anymore, maybe some part of me still wants it but I don’t need it anymore and I can’t begin to tell you how much of a relief that’s been. Hopefully soon the want will go away too so I can put this all behind me for good.

-T.