Hey remember that time when you od’ed
Hey remember that other time when you od’ed for the second time
Well in the waiting room while waiting for news of you I hallucinated I could read your mind
And I was on a lot of shit too but what I saw, man, I tell you it was freaky, freaky
I’m continuing this apparent Regina Spektor related trend of my posts and just things and thoughts that are currently filling my head. And what I guess what’s currently on my mind should be pretty obvious by the title of this post and the song choice. I’m feeling nostalgic. For the bad times just as much as the good, weirdly, because honestly I currently don’t feel anything. I’m just going through each day and I’m having the exact opposite problem I was having just a week ago where time just dragged on as I kept trying to entertain myself with whatever I could get to try and entertain myself, but now I’m breezing through each day like nothing. It’s like watching a blink and you’ll miss it moment that somehow just keeps and keeps going no matter how much you want it to stop. How much you want to just calm down and enjoy it. Sure, right now I can’t say I have a whole lot to my days that I really look forward to or that I actively enjoyed doing. I used to enjoy going to school. Despite how anxious I am around people and how much I don’t like being around other people, school is the one setting that I happened to mold myself into. I knew school. It’s routine was predictable and it often never changed and when it did it usually ended up in me just getting to leave early so I loved it. I loved the teachers, I loved the class work because I actually for the first time in a long time understood the work presented to me. I didn’t just half-ass and ditch all the time. Hey remember that time when I looked forward to waking up and driving to school? I sure do. Do I remember how to feel that again? Well…
Hey remember that time that I very openly and publicly had a mental breakdown for everyone who just cares to go back a few pages through the In My Head history could easily see it. Do I care to password them like I have my recent posts? Not really.. I mean it happened and I’m not proud that any of it happened but it did happen. It changed who I am and I am a different person because of that pretty much life altering event. You only come close to truly killing yourself a few times in your life.. if you’re lucky so you never tend to forget them. And I’m not just talking about the shitty days where I really wish I hadn’t been born at all, but no I’m talking about times where there was only one small thing that kept you from doing it or at least you tell yourself that it was only one small thing… The moments where had just one thing gone differently, then who knows? You might not be here today. I wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t be writing any of this and nobody would ever read anything (new) I wrote ever again.. besides well probably the last thing I would have ever written. You don’t forget those times unfortunately… but looking back I’m still nostalgic. I felt something and I can’t right now and I just want to. I want to be able to express to someone that I’m happy or that I’m sad. I want to be able to tell someone something about myself and not feel like its just information for people to later use against me. I want to tell someone I feel something and not feel like I’m lying about it. Like even though I might think I might feel “okay” right now when I answer, the truth is I’m not really sure. I could just as easily be standing at the edge of a cliff just waiting for that moment I fall. Not just waiting.. yearning for that moment. Like nothing that’s happening now is important because the real important moment you want to pay any attention is that moment you go from “I don’t know what I’m feeling” to “I feel like I want to die” and some moments I’m afraid I’m close to that moment and other moments.. I’m happy because I know I’m close to that moment.
I’m nostalgic for old feelings that I used to feel that I for some dumb reason kind of still want to feel today even though I know that I shouldn’t and certain feelings ended up leading me down a path that I certainly didn’t enjoy taking and I hurt more than I even thought it was possible to hurt… Despite that I’m still nostalgic for it. Hey remember the time I told you I loved you and for the very first time it meant something much much more than it had before and it was just as equally amazing and important to me but it still.. felt so much more. And I thought I felt it for a bit again. For just a little bit before it had to go away. Before I had to try and suppress it as much as I could so I would just be able to function because when I feel that again I give you all the power. All the power to hurt me, to use me, to do whatever you want because you have complete control over my feelings and I hate that but I fucking miss it and I just hate everything because I know I’m probably just wanting to feel something again… anything again and I know that this is a feeling that I liked when I’m first feeling it and I want that brief moment of happiness where I feel like I am important and I matter to someone other than somebody who has to care/worry about me. I missed someone wanting to spend time with me, wanting me in their life.. I missed you. The idea of you I had created even as damaging it is to both my mental health and my relationship with people I get used to the idea of people. Not as often now but it still happens.. It happens fairly often however with people that I like. That I like like. God I’m such a child, I’m actually non-jokingly using the phrase “like-like” to differentiate the two different likes. Hey remember that time you fell asleep on the bus and laid your head on my shoulder and I thought that this is it. This is as good as it will ever get. I thought that I was happy and I could just die right now and I wouldn’t care. Not because I wanted to die, for once, but because I genuinely felt like I had finally lived a life worth living. And if I were to die at that moment I would die happy and content. Hey remember that time I first met you, and I glanced upon the scars that ran across both of your arms and I looked up and I saw you and I legitimately thought “How could someone so beautiful be so sad?” And it was at that moment that reality hit, where I was… where we were, what I’ve done, what I was going through. And yet even then all I could still think about was how I would really like to see her smile. As if that would somehow erase the years of hurt she endured. I just wanted her to be happy. I wanted all of us to be happy. I hope you’re happy. There’s just so much memories and nostalgia that I’m feeling now that I just really need to shut off my mind for a moment because all these people that I met, that I’ve made memories with.. a lot of them are no longer in my life anymore and that makes me sad.
Hey remember that time things finally worked themselves out and we finally became content. Maybe not completely happy, as reaching an actual state of happiness rather than just the fleeting emotion isn’t that realistic of a goal.. That time we finally said enough to all the bullshit drama and self-doubts/self-hatred keeping us back. That time we finally became who we were really meant to be. I hope I will. I hope soon I will look back at today, writing this post nostalgically and think oh god I was just so naive then. “If only he knew what was just waiting for him right around the corner.” And we’ll laugh and and we’ll tell stories about how dumb we used to be, how childish we acted at times.. and I’ll interject into the conversation with..
Hey do you remember that time…?
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyways. There are so many opportunities that we have everyday to make someone feel good about themselves. There’s millions of ways to make a person smile. We all know it; we all know that so much as a smile or a “hello” could light up
In case you didn’t already know this, I am very socially anxious. And no, not shy. Sure, that’s what it looks like most of the time but I wish I was just shy. I was this was just pre-show jitters. I mean even talking with my friends still makes me uncomfortable and anxious. In the