Well I kind of figured this was already the case a long time ago but it turns out Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is definitely my “new” comfort show, after re-watching through it another time in what will be a series of several rewatches. I’ve needed the extra comfort, as it’s been a fucking hectic and hard time lately. It’s my all time favorite show and if you can count it favorite musical as well (actually maybe second favorite musical because I still have such a strong association with Next To Normal and the friends I have seen it with, mostly the one who introduced me to it.) I gushed about this show when I first discovered it because it was the kick that I needed to start trying to seek a change and set a new direction in my life. A direction that’s admittedly been hard to keep going in from time to time, but still one that’s gave my life a little more sense of stability. Unlike with my previous favorite TV show, Community, there’s so much I see myself in and associate with this show. Sure Community had a tight knit group of friends that reminded me of my Garry’s Mod server “family” and I also saw a little of myself in Abed, the person who wasn’t always completely there emotionally, spent a lot of time observing and understanding the world through the filter of TV shows and movies (which is exactly what I’m doing right now..), but other than that I kind of just really enjoyed the show.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on the other hand… God, where do I even start? Well let’s start with the simplest connection I have with the show: the location. With West Covina being my hometown just seeing scenes take place in locations I spent a lot at or at least have passed by thousands of times growing up; like the opening musical number:

which was filmed right at the plaza in front of our local theater, her law office’s exteriors were filmed just across the very same plaza as well. Just seeing any establishing shot or hearing someone mention a local venue, make fun of the city, and while the people I know don’t really tend to brag about being “2 hours from the beach” I’m now considering it one of our West Covinian motto’s. Much better than our real motto which is “Live, Work, Play” which also gets shit on on the show. Also the show’s bar, Home Base, everyone keeps spending time in is based off an actual “baseball-themed” sports facility here in West Covina and obviously I have never been because when would I ever go to something sports related? Never. That’s ridiculous. I do go to a bar frequently with my brother and friends so I still kind of see that place as my “Home Base.” This show’s become basically a dopamine factory at this point with everything that goes “Oh hey that’s me!” or “Hey I know that place/I love that place!”

Then we have the main character Rebecca who watching it, I’m constantly torn between feeling like I am nothing alike and like she’s my TV/Musical “spirit animal.” Totally using the wrong word, I’m sure, but when I watch her absurd and obsessive antics and I can’t help but see Rebecca as my internal dialogue. When I show anybody else this show and say “God Rebecca is so me”, most people are going to look at me like I’m strange. I have mostly gotten the response “I don’t see it.. Rebecca’s kind of crazy” And I want to just go “YES AND SO AM I!” or defend Rebecca with “her situation’s more nuanced than that” but there does seem to be a huge disconnect between how I often am feeling and how I act/present myself. Rebecca is someone with your classic case of Borderline Personality Disorder, her emotions are extremely volatile and she acted on every impulse, constantly lying to herself and others to convince herself and others of this warped view of herself and her situation. Along with BPD, I am filled to the brim with constant anxiety and I’m constantly worrying about how I’m perceived so I’ve adapted what’s known as a “quiet” BPD, which essentially boils down to I have all the very same emotional mood swings and impulsive thoughts/feelings except I don’t act out in the same way. In fact I rarely “act out” if like at all. And when I do it often is directed inwards and I will prefer to self-sabotage, rather than try anything that might actually better the situation I’m in. Either I’ll just try and escape it or continue to make myself feeling more shitty for still being in it. Rebecca and I both dissociate so frequently, using an entirely different lens to which we view the world. And people will say she’s crazy and selfish and yeah, but for the most part so am I.

Also, this show has given me such a new profound appreciation for musical leitmotifs. For anyone unfamiliar with the term, a leitmotif is essentially a recurring musical theme that is used to represent a character or theme. This show is entirely riddled with them, with some themes for each character but whether it was a stylistic choice or just the result of being a TV show and needing to reuse material, but most of the big musical numbers also end up becoming musical motifs later on. Since this is my second viewing, the first time I watched was with my girlfriend and now since I’m doing just a self-binging of it and knowing all the songs, loving and obsessing over almost every single one of them, I pick up on every time an beautiful instrumental appears of wonderful songs like “Settle For Me” or “West Covina” and I can’t even begin to describe the experience that comes when I do; the rush of emotions that come with each note is overwhelming. I mean not only does it instantly remind me of all the feelings they want me to feel, the connections with the characters and their emotions/feelings towards love, but also since this is a show that helped pick me up from rock bottom and that relationship I have associated with this show and that whole process is no longer this show both makes me happier than I have ever felt in a long time but also the most depressed and sad as well.

I’ve been kind of numb this past month, that last post was when that depressive phase started and it just never went away. There’s been a lot that’s been happening that’s given me plenty of reasons to be actually depressed. Well, most cases I’m always actually depressed it just feels more validating to have “reasons” to be feeling this way. Obviously the whole girlfriend thing, but I’m not really capable of maintaining a relationship right now anyway so there’s that. Then there’s, well I really don’t want to go more into it other than family health problems and the whirlwind of emotions that I have no idea how to express so I’m sure my whole family thinks I’m apathetic towards it but it’s been bothering me so much I don’t know what to do about it, and not knowing what to do about that is making it even more stressful so it’s become this whole emotional ouroboros. And I know this sounds fucking ridiculous, especially with how much I’ve complained and bitched on this site about this friend but with recent events, their absence feels more real and permanent. Maybe it’s the first time I truly felt, “Oh.. they’re gone.” And as problematic as our friendship was, which is the main reason every time I’ve wanted to say “I’m so sorry I’ve been an awful human friend. Let’s please try and just be anything, mutual acquaintances. Whatever, I just want to be able to talk with you again.”, knowing that about our friendship.. I’ve swallowed it all. I’m not going to drag them down with me because I’m the one that is struggling to cope. It just fucking hurts that they’re gone and I’m trying to accept that. So long story short, my mind has been a clusterfuck of so many problems that I have had to resort to feeling absolutely nothing just to get by. So as shitty as it feels to cry for 3 hours straight from 3-5AM while watching a show that has an entire song about one of the characters’ sperm, it’s a little (well.. the very minimum amount) nice to just be able to feel something.

So, I’ve been really enjoying my rewatch of this show and I’m probably going to be obsessed with it for a bit. Probably associate it with my identity in some way until I find something else to obsess over. I’m disheartened the person I probably most want to share this show with I can’t, but I have been bothering most of my friends about it. The issue is most of them are either really don’t like either comedy sitcoms or musicals so I haven’t really gotten the chance. The one friend who was interested, I tried going on the site we watch shows together online with to find out that’s been discontinued and the replacement they can’t use on their device so that’s a real bummer. I guess it will just remain a show that is important to mostly me and the person I watched it with, if they even see it with any significance like I do (still or ever did). Oh and since this rewatching has gotten me back into a musical kick and this post is way longer than it really should be, I have also started watching the musicals by Team Starkid (who so graciously posts most of their productions on youtube with a great video quality). I know I’m a bit late to the party, as a lot of their musicals and performances have been incredible hits for a long time now (most notably A Potter Musical) but I just now discovered them and am experiencing these masterpieces for the first time. And my favorite so far has been (The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals), which is a musical about a bizarre and “terrifying” apocalyptic event where a meteor crashes into this small town and begin turning it’s citizens into musical “zombies”, which leaves Paul (who in case you hadn’t heard is the guy who didn’t like musicals) stuck in his own personal hell. And they’re premiering their new comedy musical here in LA next month so I really hope I can snag some tickets and go see it. If not I’ll just catch it on youtube!

Yikes, this post went on a while. It was nice to talk though. About anything. Though I’ve run out of shit to ramble on about for now so until next time I guess.

-T.