My Poison of Choice: Nostalgia

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If you’re going to act like I don’t exist, please at least be consistent.

I keep getting worse, better again, and then even worse than the last time. I’ve refused to talk about the things that are upsetting me because well partially because I don’t even know how to put all this garbled mess of anxiety, depression, dark thoughts.. into words. Also partially because I’m afraid of the effect those words will have to the people I know, and the relationships with those people. I’ve been looking back to much recently. Often with feelings of nostalgia, of wanting to go back to a certain way things used to be despite how awful the way things used to be were. I’m completely aware of that fact and I think if there were some way I could magically have things be the way they were, I’d still choose for things to remain the same. I’m kind of weird but I guess it’s to keep me from doing stupid things. When I think with my emotions, I tend to  be more impulsive and irrational and I do stupid things that result in the people I love getting hurt, and getting myself hurt just as much. Then there’s the other part of me who doesn’t take feelings into it at all and just thinks about the bigger picture. This is the part I have started to rely solely on. It gets me into less trouble. For example, any time I have a crush my feelings, my heart, whatever it is.. really wants to desperately tell them. To see if they feel the same way too, but then I take a few more seconds and think.. “But what would really happen if I did do that?” Maybe this part is just as irrational, just in a way that hurts only me I guess, but the answer tends to be she won’t feel the same way (otherwise they’d have shown some sort of sign) and saying anything now is going to ruin this friendship and you don’t want to do that.. so just don’t say anything.

Instead of doing anything I’ve just begun obsessing over everything. Not over just the feelings of nostalgia, but that’s the main thing I want to talk about right now I guess. And I guess this is another case of where my situation has sort of changed in a way that is relevant to the post, before I was able to finish it.. Normally that happens pretty frequently because I’ve been in the habit of finishing posts I started months ago and things rarely stay stagnant especially if it’s something I’m obsessing over because either I’ll do what it is I’ve been repeating in my head wanting to do, or well I’ll do something stupid and impulsive to take that opportunity away from me indefinitely. I’ve stated multiple times throughout my posts just how much I hate how difficult it is for me to keep someone out of my life especially when they are actively trying to make their way back in. They might be awful for me, they might be the reason I’ve endured so much heartbreak in the past. And in some cases I kept leaving so I would’t feel that heartbreak ever again. So I wouldn’t feel that feeling of longing because I know how that turns out. I didn’t want to get hurt again and really I also didn’t want to hurt them again. But I said yes despite all of that, thinking this time could be different. That I wasn’t going to get stuck in that again but how wrong was I. Oh how I’m always so incredibly undoubtedly mistaken. I don’t know what to do about that other than just feel it in (relative) silence and hope it goes away with time. These nostalgic feelings don’t feel so great anymore they come with a batch of plenty other feelings I really don’t want to feel and really don’t have the strength or energy to feel right now..

Then there’s them. I didn’t think I’d fall into the same nostalgic trap I keep getting stuck with everyone else because I was so fucking angry with you. My past feelings of love, trust, whatever it was I felt for them has been slowly replaced with feelings of resentment and anger. You hurt me. You hurt me so bad that I spent almost more time getting over you than I did even actually knowing you. You kept trying to get a hold of me, attempts which I kept ignoring until well until a day or two ago. I only finally responded because I was on the verge of exploding. For something that has nothing to do with you, but here you are someone who would definitely deserve a “nothing held back” frustrated confrontation telling you how fucking tired of seeing you I was, how tired I was of being used, of being dicked around with. I wanted to explode. It was not what I’ve been needed to explode and come clean about but it was something. In most cases I’d say “you definitely didn’t deserve that” but this time I know this person did. It didn’t make it any easier though when all I got in response was “I know how badly I hurt you and I’m sorry.” I don’t know how genuine they were being. I’m inclined to believe they weren’t being genuine at all, but it was enough to feel awful for just wanting nothing but to hurt you right now so you could feel at least just a glimpse of what you made me feel. Instead I did the one thing I absolutely loathe every time I do..

I told them, “Sure we can try and be friends again.” What the fuck is wrong with me?

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