Disclaimer: These are my inner most thoughts and feelings. I don’t know if I’m even comfortable sharing them. It’s painful keeping all this in and writing it out helps. Please don’t judge me for them.
Did I ever stop loving her?
I tried to. I thought I was past most of the hurt. I stopped thinking about her for the most part, and I still don’t think about her that often, but I fooled myself into thinking that meant that my love for her was fading. Every so often, something I encounter in my everyday life sparks a vivid memory of her. Of something she did. Of something I loved about her. Recently I haven’t been doing so great, and this is probably the worst time to start thinking about her. But this time it’s also different. Up until now I would either try to ignore thoughts of her or when I couldn’t, I’d reminisce about the good times. However, with the realization that I still love her, I’ve started thinking about how she’s doing right now. I’ve taken this break up as if I was the one broken up with. I kept thinking if I’m sad, at least she’s happy. You know. Because when a heart breaks, no it don’t break even The Script©™.
Except that’s not what happened. She didn’t want a break up. I left her with a lot of pain and broken promises as well. And right now more than anything I want to ask her how she is and if she’s okay. I don’t know if this is the same feeling that causes people to drunk text their exes, and if I was drunk right now, I don’t doubt I would. Knowing that I’m in love with her has made the hurt so much worse. I have no way of knowing if she’s doing okay, yet I have an intense desire to go to the ends of the earth just to make sure she’s happy. All my reasons for breaking up are melting in front of me. Why would I matter? Why was I thinking of myself? I abandoned her because she might not have loved me? Did that even matter? I don’t need her to love me for me to love her. If she didn’t love me, sure I wouldn’t be okay, but at least I could still try to make her happy. I want to be her crutch when she needs one, a shoulder to cry on. I’m starting to think I would own the friendzone, for her.
I don’t want to feel this way. I wasn’t doing that great as it was. But now, this feeling of thinking about her being sad and me not being able to do anything about it (just thinking about it, my brain keeps coming up with a dozen different ways I know I can cheer her up), it’s crippling me. I want to show her happiness even thought I can’t find any for myself. I want to stop thinking about her not being okay because I would give up everything to make her laugh again. I feel tortured that I can’t even know if she’s happy. Why is that so important to me? Why do I want her to be happy so bad? Why do I still love her so much?
My birthday is coming up again in a couple days. I look back at my post around this time last year before I turned 21, and I almost want to say I was completely wrong. I don’t think it had anything to do with age or the number 21, but it feels like this past
I like to think of the endings of things. Sometimes it makes me appreciate the current state of things, knowing things are just going to get worse. That sounds a bit depressing and cynical, but I mean… nothing lasts forever and endings are rarely happy ones. We wouldn’t be so afraid of them if that