Missing a Feeling (Warning: Long Post)

I had a few more positive posts lined up pretty much almost completed, one about how it’s weird and kind of nice to have future plans and an actual goal I’m working towards and the other about my complicated relationship with making so many associations with people and events with the media I consume. It was going to go into detail about how while I try and make those associations a lot less now I am glad that I did make them because I can easily think of a song or a movie I loved and reminisce in past events and all those feelings all easily come rushing back. Even when the memory itself is hazy these associations help me remember what it was I felt in that moment which is one of the few good sides to that quirk of mine. However as I was close to finishing these posts my mood did a complete 180, I knew this was going to happen eventually I just didn’t expect it to be so soon and to be so severe. It looks like I finally hit that depressive phase.

My plan has been to just sort of ride this phase out because as shitty as I feel, I know that it will come to an end just like the manic period did and the countless periods of depression before it as well. That’s one of the few comforts about being in a never-ending cycle, you know for a fact the bad times ALWAYS will end. Something about being depressed has made me look back almost longingly to the past. Partially to past people, but mostly just the past in general. It feels like there’s something in my life that’s missing and there’s this nagging feeling that whatever that something is, I had it once before. I’ve always been the kind of person to feel things first, and then try and interpret/understand them later. So I don’t know what this thing is nor do I think I’ll ever figure it out, or if there even is a thing at all.. I just know that that’s the feeling I’ve been overwhelmed with the past week. And of course for anybody who knows me, knows that I have a strong tie to music and I often express what I feel or more really just use it to help supplement that feeling. As a result, I recently made this playlist about the aforementioned feeling called “Missing You.” I made this to allow myself to truly feel what it was I was feeling and kind of just wallow in my own self-misery until this feeling eventually dissipates.

And almost like within minutes of the first or second time I started listening to this playlist I got kind of a “response” from someone from my past. Someone who this site references a lot, it’s just that when you make the decision to stop trying to designate people as your favorite person, the last one tends to really want to stick around, even if physically they’ve been gone a long time. Someone who also might read this post in the future, so I am going to try and be careful the way I word this post because it’s not my intention to upset them, I just want to use this site to express what I’m feeling and to get these thoughts out of my head but I do have some frustrations I need to get out. Firstly, I can see how they would see the name of this and think it was either about them or that it was to get their attention, but I can confidently say it that it was neither. Not to say I don’t miss this person from time to time, it’s just that when something like this happens and I get reblogs/notifications from them almost tempting me to check their Tumblr and then see there’s new negative posts that are again subtweeting me (the notifications part of it, which may not be the case but I can’t help but to see this as a retaliation.. like “how dare you feel anything towards ME, now I’m going to make you feel worse. Since you forced yourself into my mind I’m going to make it harder for me to leave yours.”), it’s hard to miss that. I sincerely hope that’s just me misinterpreting their intention, but after having to deal with a week of notifications from them after reblogging a single post of theirs (something which I felt extremely guilty about at the time before I got your “response”) and seeing multiple negative posts about me around that time too it’s hard not to see it that way, though that’s just your blog so I can’t get upset with you about that, it’s just generally upsetting but I can only blame myself for reading them. I just want to express how I’m feeling, to sit in my own sadness and listen to a playlist that shares my current emotional state without having to worry about how someone I haven’t talked to in almost half a year now is going to react because of it. I made my playlist to have a playlist that shared whatever it is I was going through and it’s not even really about a specific person, but the person I mostly think of when I listen to this isn’t you. I’m sorry. This someone is someone who I know doesn’t even think of me anymore which is okay because again, I created this and listen to it so I can allow myself to just feel shitty, feel regretful, feel somberly nostalgic.

Even if it was solely about this person, I still should feel like I should be able to create and listen to the playlist without it needing any kind of retaliatory response. Some minuscule part of me thinks it’s actually kind of nice to have some sort of contact with them even if it is just via tumblr reblogs, but considering the timing and how it feels like it’s done out of hostility.. makes it feel mostly shitty. And that feeling is something I’ve tried desperately to get away from for years now. If you do happen to read this, maybe months from now and something else becomes an issue and we repeat this whole dance again, please just do me a favor and unfollow my Tumblr, my spotify, or whatever else it is you’re following of mine if you need to if something I do or post upsets you. I needed to do that. It wasn’t out of spite or because of anything you were doing specifically, but I just had a hard time not thinking about you when everywhere I went online I had to see you. I really only blame myself when I see something upsetting on your blog, because well it’s your blog and it was me checking it out that upset me, but I don’t have that option when it comes to having to see your notifications. I’m really not trying to upset you or get your attention. I unfortunately keep seeing how shitty it feels when I happen to. Again, though it might only be feeling this way because I’m interpreting it as hostility and purposeful prodding and that may not be the case. And this is definitely long overdue, but seeing as this portion of the post is almost entirely directed at you, let me just end this portion by saying: I was an awful friend. I was so afraid of losing that closeness we had, or more accurately I was so afraid of getting attached to that closeness if it were to disappear in the way it kept doing so I knew that feeling was going to really hurt. I put too much pressure on you to decide on whether you were serious about being friends again and too much pressure on you to show that you meant it. And you did show it so I shouldn’t have felt as on edge still as I did. I’m sorry. If I didn’t put that on you maybe you wouldn’t have felt like you had to be walking on eggshells around me, that you had to do or say what you could to keep me happy. Now I don’t know if you just didn’t see how serious of an issue lying and deception were to me, even done out of the best intentions, or if you were just that afraid of how I’d react but that was just not a way I was okay with being treated. I mostly blamed you for that, and then later just grew an undirected bitterness towards how easily it could have been avoided from both our parts, but I know how much my actions and how I talked with you played into what eventually happened and for that I really am sorry. I guess that’s it, I could write forever talking about this or just you in general but I have to cut myself off eventually. I just hope that gives you a little more peace with this, maybe make you feel less like I’m trying to get at you or whatever the reason for the reblogs were for. If not, that’s okay too, I suppose I also just needed to finally let that out. While I wish that it didn’t feel like it is you vs me at times or that our feelings towards each other weren’t filled with loathing now, I do feel this was the best choice for us to go our separate ways and I hope you’re happy.

So I guess this post or the feeling I was feeling prior to starting this post was a lot similar to the one I had when trying to write my “Associations part 2” post. I’m looking back a lot again and sure that’s definitely not healthy, but neither is anything else I’ve been doing during this depressive phase. Or any of my past depressive phases for that matter. However I’m not looking back in a way that I genuinely want to go back to that time or with those people. Somebody who keeps reappearing in my head is someone who is long gone now, someone who I used to have an immensely difficult time not looking back to. A habit which kind of took a year or so to finally kick though looking back it seems like it wasn’t something I did in a healthy way. It’s more so that I just happened to develop that closeness with someone else and became less attached to the idea of needing to be close with this person. And perhaps I never broke that habit seeing as I’ve been thinking about them again, but the key difference is I don’t want to message them. It’d be nice to hear from them, I’m sure hearing their voice again would be either really nice or painful depending on how I’m feeling in the moment but I don’t need that. The same goes for most of the people I’ve been thinking of during this phase, I miss them without wanting to really do anything about that. I kind of WANT to miss them and I just want to ride this feeling out until I have to catch the next wave. Whenever and whatever that may be.