If anybody has been following along I think they would already know I have a difficult time letting go. I grow an unhealthy attachment to things and people that make me happy and I panic at even the thought of losing some of these things because honestly I think I’m afraid I’ll lose the happiness that came with them. I also relapse sometimes even after times I think I have moved on, those feelings of nostalgia, of longing, of regret just all come rushing in. Those moments are really the worst and have been the reason for many of the mistakes I’ve made. Just a pathetic last ditch effort to hold on to happiness that I once had, but even then realistically know I’ll never have again. And there has to be a moment where you have to admit to yourself that that happiness isn’t returning. Not that happiness isn’t going to return, but specifically that happiness won’t. Its time has come and gone and unfortunately you didn’t get to appreciate it during because when things are going great its easy for you to take it for granted and then when it’s gone you’ll be upset that you didn’t get to enjoy it before it went away. Well, who’s fault is that then? It’d be easy to blame timing, circumstances, or other people but I know it’s my own fault.
It does get to a point though that even though I still don’t feel moved on I know by this time I should already have been so I try and pretend like I am and hope that somewhere down the line that it’ll stop being fake and I’ll convince myself I’ve moved on and because of that actually do it. It works sometimes, other times it doesn’t. What to do then..? I don’t know. I’ve tried and tried plenty of times before but I’ve failed every time. Eventually I get to a point where I just don’t have the energy to keep focusing on that thing, situation, or person. By then the attachment and my separation from that thing really takes a lot out of me mentally/emotionally. I just want a normal health relationship with someone (and i don’t just mean romantic relationships), I want a relationship where I don’t question they’re truthfulness, I don’t feel like I’m being used or manipulated, and I sure as hell am tired of being led on or at least feeling like I’m being led on. That last part is important because I feel it might be more of me just feeling one way rather than it actually being that way. And with all of that I think, no I don’t think I’ll ever have a normal friendship with someone who doesn’t treat me like shit or that I feel like they are, because I’ll always worry and I’ll assume they are so I am probably better without any of that. I don’t think I’m capable of having one I don’t drive into the ground.
I think I might still need some time to come to terms with that, but it’s something I will eventually just have to accept. I find one way to screw up my friendships and anything else I have because I worry and I have so many doubts and anxieties that sometimes I just ruin them myself so I don’t have to wait around for the time it does. I wish there was an easy way to move on or to not feel any of this, but unfortunately I just don’t think there is any. So right now I’m just going to lay in bed and hide under the covers for a couple more hours. Maybe the next time I get out of bed I’ll feel better. Doubtful though.