Close To Getting Better (Attempt #2)

So this is going to be a first, I’m going to try and redo a post. Well more so I’m replacing in spirit a post that I’m hoping no one had the opportunity to read because with all that’s going on I knew I was very emotionally sensitive and a lot of fears that certainly had existed before what’s happened losing my Grandpa certainly amplified every single bit of anxiety and intrusive thought that was festering. I’ve been trying my hardest to not think about any of those things, I’ve always been good at compartmentalizing and being able to dissociate from intense feelings like this but judging by what I spent an hour or two writing in a cocktail of confusing emotions and still had the impulse to hit send.. These intrusive thoughts and this personality disorder doesn’t have to take control and it doesn’t make me a bad person up until these thoughts start resulting into actions and sure you can argue it really is only thoughts still since all I’ve done is write out my thoughts, but I’ve been down this road so many times I know fully well going into this that while these may just be my thoughts this site does have a reading base that consists of only my close friends. I’ve seen what are “just words and my intrusive thoughts” turn into real hurt for my friends so I do see hitting that submit button as a bad action. A desire for immediate emotional relief at the expense of my friend’s emotional well-being..

I even wrote in this post that I didn’t want to talk specifically about what my thoughts were on this, but that I was still heated up in the moment to want to try and talk about it without fully giving it away. I like to think I’m normally pretty smooth, but this time I definitely wasn’t and for those who the intrusive thoughts involved I don’t think it would take too much effort for them to put it together what I was hinting at. And even worse, I’m not entirely sure how many of my friends still read this but I would imagine with the fact that I was still pretty vague in the post that it wouldn’t be hard for others to self insert themselves into it and begin to worry that– well my feelings have turned a complete 180 on my thoughts to give the least amount away. And while I’ve had some time to calm down from what was initially really bringing up this rise in violent mood swings, I’m not going to lie. Those thoughts are still there, sure they arise only when I’m distressed but considering they’re right there just waiting to spring up the second things “get bad.” There’s even a new intrusive thought that’s arisen since writing the post which is also something FOR SURE I can’t even hint to. All I will say is I hate being trapped in this brain.. in this body. I want to be different, feel different, think differently to how I always keep resorting to but it feels like no matter what I’m going to have the same thoughts the same emotional responses. I’m just better equipped to not acting out, I mean I immediately removed my last post which is probably something I wouldn’t have done before I had to deal with the aftermath.

I guess the deleted post showed me I’m still not okay, and with just an extra push I have the drive again for something I thought I wouldn’t have the motivation for for at least a couple years down the road. Whatever. Some of this feeling is probably because I haven’t taken my meds all week, because I’ve skipped out on my last two therapy sessions but those too might also just be a result of how I’m feeling. As much as I want to succeed and get out of this honestly I feel like I’m getting more comfortable in failure, so if good feelings only bring the worry of the hammer dropping at any point and that shift coming back to take that all away.. then you start to prefer sitting at rock bottom. There’s less stakes here.