There is very little these days that I am excited for. The Marvel hype was great for a while but for me it kind of died down during the Infinity War hype. I mean sure I was excited to see who was going to get the boot in the latest film and see this whole “change to the marvel cinematic universe” that kept being brought up in interviews and stuff, but I suppose the hype for me just died out as I realized that kind of just meant most characters were going to temporarily go away… until their already confirmed next installment. I still enjoyed and thought it was a good movie I’m just not anxiously waiting for the next one. And this somehow turned into a marvel movie rant sort of.. anyway I don’t think there’s much I heard being made in the works that I couldn’t wait until it came out until maybe now.

If the title doesn’t give it away “Looking for Alaska” by John Green was announced to be made into an eight episode Hulu series. I actually just saw his video today talking about it which is what inspired me to write this. For those who don’t know what this book is it’s a young adult novel about a teenager bored of his life and doesn’t have any friends so he goes to a boarding school to try and find some meaning to his life. There he meets a wonderful group of students in which he gets close to and help him not be so fed up with his life, but this is where we reach spoiler territories… though it happens half way through the book and is sort of the whole premise of the book so it shouldn’t be the biggest spoiler. I did begin reading it not knowing this and completely changed my experience with it so that’s why I still give the warning.

Spoiler:

We learn after half way through the book, and each page sort of alludes to it with “X days before” starting each section until well it happens. Alaska goes missing one night she leaves upset and still drunk from that night with no explanation and when they find out what happened to her that night “Pudge,” the main character, and their friends try and do everything they can to find out why. To find out what really happened and it takes over their life. Honestly I remember first reading this, falling just as in love with Alaska as Pudge was and I got to the 0 day mark and it just felt so unreal. She couldn’t have been gone. I was just getting to know her, Pudge was just starting to get somewhere with her. Their relationship was very similar to maybe the kind of unhealthy and one-sided relationships I tend to find myself attracted to. (In the sense that these ones I keep seeming to fall into, not so much enjoy but who knows if I know how to act in one that was “normal” at this point). Alaska was aloof and guarded but showed that she liked him just didn’t want to reciprocate the same way he wanted to. I don’t know maybe I was projecting because this is the kind of crush dynamic I kept having and the kind of girl I was very much attracted to. Anyway, I felt just as lost and desperate for answers as he was but ultimately I was hoping he’d find out and even more bizarrely I was hoping that by the end of it we’d find her not gone. I was hoping they’d bring her back, but then the end came and that didn’t happen obviously so I just had to come to terms with that loss.

I’m not good with loss. Well I’m split on my feelings of loss because I can get overly emotional and say “whatever I didn’t need that/them in my life anyway” or “I’m upset by this but life goes on.. so why waste my time beating myself up thinking about it.” Or I obsess over it. Firstly I start by thinking over and over about that person and the memories we had, replaying them as scenario’s in my head. I become in denial that they are even gone. Then I get angry and say how dare they leave how could they. I suppose these are the basic stages of grief everybody is faced with but I suppose the stranger part is, well one that I don’t always have this reaction.. with death being something I’m scared of but understand is just an inevitable part of life.. it’s hard to see someone who’s already gone and send them prayers or be hurt by their passing. Just by them leaving.. if that makes any sense. I grieve the loss of them as a person and their part in my life because I’ll miss what once was. The second weird part which with that explanation probably will make more sense now but people leaving my life elicit that same response. Their chapters in my life have come to a conclusion and often times it feels like there’s a lot of things left unanswered.. left unresolved. We all have our stories being told but it’s never finished. They just stop being written. That was hard for me to come to terms with, still is, but thanks to “Looking For Alaska” along with plenty of future experiences with loss since then have helped me have a slightly easier time accepting it.

So I don’t know when or if this hulu series becomes a reality.. it might not or it might and I just don’t get the chance to see it for whatever reason, but if I do I will be looking forward to catching up with some of my old friends. Relearning old lessons I may have forgotten. Falling in love again with someone who is taken away from me way earlier than I was ready. I’m looking forward to Looking For Alaska one more time.