One of One

I have a confession to make. One I think I’d really only feel comfortable admitting in the “safe place” of my blog. Not really something that I really need to admit publicly or really to anyone but it’s affecting me and some are starting to notice. Years of experience have taught me how to expertly hide away these dips and shifts before I even understood exactly what it was I was going through when I felt these dips. However the longer I spend socializing the less energy I have to put up this mask that I’m doing better than I am. One I know I don’t have to. At least when I think logically, I know no one gives a shit if I’m a little depressed and not in the most chipper mood when I join their call, but I suppose I don’t like the attention or the concern. I still do it though for whatever reason and it gets tough when I’ve begun spending a lot more time, again, with some people even while trying to move from group to group to try and (reset) and allow breaks inbetween to just listen to the silence of these four walls, hope that the volume in my head follows suit. Even with that precaution there has been slips; bursts of anger for the dumbest of reasons, hyperventilating panic attacks, and moments of silent tears I suppose weren’t as silent as I thought they were. What I’ve been stalling to admit is that I haven’t been taking my meds like I should be. It wasn’t intentional, what started off as a mistake the first day then a decision made based on convenience, just turned into “Oh I haven’t taken them in a week.”

This perhaps can be considered a spiritual addition to the “Surviving Isolation” series of posts but this one for a few reasons I’m going to make it’s own thing, and not just because isolation has kicked my ass this time. I mentioned I was handling this a lot better that most people who aren’t used to doing this on a daily basis. This has been initially easier for most introverts, but no matter who you are. Introvert, extrovert, outgoing, shy, even if you prefer to be a social recluse. Being stuck inside really gets to you. “Clear truths” about the world, my friends, my friends opinion’s of me.. that I’ve spent a long time finally being able to accept. That not everyone is as out to get me as I tend to think they are, and most things I shouldn’t take as personal. Well those clear truths have become a lot less clear as of late and I know why and I know it’s not valid but I still feel it. The thoughts and opinions may not be valid, but the way I feel when I have those thoughts and opinions in my brain are valid.. I’ve been starting to ask myself the old chicken or the egg question. Has this isolation slowly creeping up on me making me depressed, thus causing me to shrug off the importance of staying on the meds or was it solely my poor ability to take care of myself and stay on them that’s caused this sudden and violent change in everything; the way I see the world, how I feel when I get up in the morning and even though I am falling asleep in a call with someone who usually always makes me feel better just by hearing their voice. Even the best moments feel tainted. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the good moments aren’t still there and my friends and loved ones don’t bring that same level of happiness by being with them. They very much do. It’s just that that happiness is incredibly fleeting. I’m running on empty and I’m filling up just bit by bit with each compliment, each “hey I was thinking of you’s”, any feeling of happiness or understanding/acceptance I get with just spending time with my friends. But that’s not a way anyone can really sustain themselves, and I don’t really have the energy to give as much as I really wish I’d receive. Fully aware of how unrealistic that is, so I understand the outcome. You tend to get the energy you give out and when you retreat and make your beliefs of whatever it is you want to be worried about that day, based on what you can actually witness. It’s exhausting, not realistic, and won’t give me accurate information anyway. What feels like weeks of someone not talking with me ends up in reality only a few days. Needless to say my my feelings are skewed.

This post was titled after a song I’ve started having a strong association with, like most posts I tend to write in a more emotional state. Duendita’s One of One.

I listened to the song with the person it reminded me of, and initially I felt what I normally feel when I go.. “Oh this song is going to be important to me. This thing is going to stick around a while.” but I suppose I initially misinterpreted the emotion behind the association. I knew the person I was associating it with, and the moment I was going to associate it with was most likely that moment just then, but it wasn’t this feeling of safety and comfort and solace in knowing someone feels the same way you feel the same way like I originally interpreted it. I suppose my association with the song and the mood and meaning of it I interpret based on how I’m feeling and since I’m swinging in polar opposites right now it makes sense to me I would read this song of two ways. The comfort of feeling loved, and the safety of knowing someone is there for you and cares about you, but also because of how heartbroken her voice sounds when singing all these lovely things about their relationship, it reminds me of and instills those feelings of disbelief, feeling you don’t deserve any of it nor anything good that comes your way and worried that the universe will eventually catch on and make things right again by stripping it all away. I find myself reading too much into lyrics when I really shouldn’t be. This would probably be the part where I analyze each line and describe my twisting of it, and how it perfectly describes my worries and my depression mixing and poisoning all my other feelings. I feel I probably have talked about this too much already.

My pack is something I’ve been trying to find as my past posts have suggested, and I have got to say this funk has made that damn near impossible. I’ve been introduced to more people, mostly in thanks to close friends who are helping me get out of my shell. That’s what I wanted after all, when I thought I was up to it. I got Sid to join us in games which was nice to have someone who kind of was mostly just a friend in my group transition into someone more integrated into my life. Well by that I mean they join us in Animal Crossing but that little bit is still something that’s really nice. Probably wouldn’t have happened either if it weren’t for this whole pandemic, video call group sessions, and my chihuahua Doodle who has become really spoiled, always wanting attention. Throughout all my past sessions she’d keep switching between falling fast asleep on my lap and sticking her head out under my chin to try and get me to pet her. The second I stop she gives me the staredown. That whole group turned into a show your puppy on camera call and that was unsurprisingly my in. The rest that I’ve met this past week and I’ve played games with though I don’t know I guess I still feel like they’re friends of my friends and that’s about it. I don’t really think I’d consider anyone to be someone I might want in my pack and perhaps that’s just the depression speaking, perhaps I don’t feel like any of them would ever end up considering someone like me a part of their pack and this is my way own protection, or maybe I just have ridiculous standards. Also if I may interject, I don’t really meld well with people who it feels like memes and edgy jokes make up half of their vocabulary. Perhaps that’s just my age showing though. On top of all of this those that I did consider a part of my pack and those who I’m close with is kind of.. shifting.. to use as vague of a word I possibly can. Friendships ebb and flow, and I’m aware of and completely understand the reason for some of those ebbs. Doesn’t mean it isn’t still upsetting. I also played some games with someone who was an old friend, and that was what it was. Wasn’t what I worried, but was what I expected.

I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last, if I get back on track on taking the medicine that is helping me keep my moods in check, well surprise surprise maybe it might go back to doing it’s job. I hope this is just a funk caused by my own recklessness and that things will start feeling normal again when I start taking them again and even more importantly once we can finally get out into the world and I can begin making plans again to visit my friends. The trip to Vegas, Sacramento, and Canada I all had planned got put on hold and I’m dying to get back to setting those up again. That’s the main thing helping me get through, along with of course just being in calls with some friends (even if none of them really know what’s going on), that this state I’m in is only temporary. The state we’re all in is only temporary and hopefully things will get better by then.