I didn’t really want to write this; especially so soon after my last post. I was determined to kick the habit of writing out my feelings and the intent was to take a good hiatus from this site in general, but for the very reason I want to keep this site here.. to keep some record of these years and my life. I needed to write this post before the year was up. These retrospects have become essentially a tradition at this point and it would just feel wrong to miss this year’s. I don’t need to write this to vent (not that I’m moved on from some of this stuff.. I certainly am not but I just don’t need to write a post about it to eventually get passed it) but I can use this as an opportunity to self reflect on what’s happened this year and how I have changed (more so regressed.) This year is a strange one in which I feel like it mirrors a past one more than I’m really comfortable to acknowledge but if I went on about the similarities I’d end up doing what I usually do and make associations where there shouldn’t be and give this a more symbolic meaning when I think ultimately I’ll just be romanticizing my pain at the expense of possibly hurting others more than they already are for what? To feel like this has had a point a meaning, or a purpose? To make myself feel better or make myself and my actions feel more sympathetic? I don’t know but I do know that I don’t want any of that on this post. For reasons I might touch on later in this post. Let’s try and keep this to the reason I continued these retrospects (the reason I started them was definitely for this venting and almost all of the reasons stated in the past couple of sentences). For self reflection.

I wasn’t sure whether this was something I should talk about in this retrospect as I talked a bit about them in the last one but my time knowing them kind of intersected between the two years. I suppose I’ll briefly discuss what happened this year. Last retrospect my main worry was that I hoped that my ex and my friends would just resolve their drama and stop tearing me apart from the few people who helped me get by my days during a bit of a rough time for me. I wasn’t too aware of what actually was going on so I assumed it was all petty online drama like I’ve grown very accustomed to these past few years. Turns out it was more than that and it definitely would’ve affected how I saw this person if I knew what I came to learn after the fact but I didn’t so I continued just mostly trying not to intervene and really only giving emotional support with the exception of one time where I really felt upset by how someone I was close with had wronged her. Again there was more to that but knowing that I still am glad I said something. More for a principle sake, really. It seemed like most of the time I really only knew the half-truth and the half I was missing was very crucial. Anyway I wrote a post about it already, which in retrospect I am kind of embarrassed about but hey it’s there and at least it’s not stuck in my head anymore. Right, less about events and more about reflection.

I’ve learned it’s very easy to get caught up in the moment and ignore red flags that you should’ve seen before and I believe a lot of the reason I just let this happen is because I really was hoping for things to work out. I don’t know if it was a naive belief that maybe things would work out despite some pretty glaring issues there was or if I just tried my hardest to ignore them so I didn’t have to accept that I didn’t want to be in this type of situation again and that I shouldn’t have gotten into it in the first place but since I had already done just that, I needed to get out of it. I’m hurt by being lied to because I worry that lying is done as a means to use or take advantage of me. I want to say those are the kind of people that tend to just seem to gravitate towards me but I go back (or I accept them back) so I suppose I gravitate towards them just as much. Perhaps that’s because I’m one and the same and I just don’t tend to use lying to do that. Perhaps I’m just weak and people see that so they take advantage of it.. and because I think that’s all I will really get or really even deserve I accept it until, well, I can’t accept it any longer. The former seems more accurate though.

Since we’re on the topic of lying I’d like to now talk about how that’s sort of been a reoccurring theme this year. I didn’t want to make connections like this but it’s more about me really so I’ll continue but try and tread lightly. This is really something I should have accepted a long time ago but lying is just sort of what people do. Everybody does it and constantly. I’m not trying to say this in a “everybody’s filthy liars and you shouldn’t trust anybody” but more so I feel that this is just a part of us naturally. It’s one of the first defense mechanisms we learn as a kid to avoid conflict and man is it effective. That isn’t the revelation here there’s a point I’ll get there. I was hurt in the past and I think because of how lying was often used to keep me blissful while they got what they wanted out of me I have now associated people lying to me with them trying to manipulate me. However that isn’t usually the case and we just lie sometimes to avoid a conflict that we didn’t want to confront or the many countless reasons people do it that aren’t with harmful intent. I’ve put to much pressure on this idea that I want those close to me to be honest with me. For a time I wanted them to be upfront about issues too but I quickly learned expecting people to always be upfront when even I can’t seem to be most times was only setting me up for disappointment. So I held close that even if they didn’t want to be upfront about that at least they didn’t ever lie or outright try and deceive me about these issues but I ended up only just making myself more hurt when that didn’t always happen with my close friends. I’m putting too much of a pressure on that when I really should be taking things more easy. Not too easy and casual though because that’s how I may have gotten into the problem the beginning of this year/end of last year. There’s a perfect middle ground that maybe 2019 might teach me.

Ironically last year my hopes for this year was that I more had a direction and I wanted to follow it but as this year has showed me you might be following the path you think is right but somewhere along the road you can still get lost and turned around. I’ve kind of walked towards bettering myself and being someone I was (at least more than I was before) proud of being and ended up just walking right back where I started. Maybe that too will come next year. Something that I said last year which is just as much true now if maybe even more so:

“I want 2018 to be the start of my new life, but I guess more importantly… I want 2018 to treat the people I care about (even the ones that aren’t quite in my life anymore) well because if anybody should be happy it’s these people. Let me be sad for another year if that’s what it takes. I’ll get there, but I want these people to be there much more than I really need to be.”

Part of that quote is unfortunately dated now as I turned out to be more of an impediment to some of these people’s happiness well honestly it’s a bit more complicated than that.. I’d rather not really get into it anymore on this site or on other blogs at this point. However, that being said, I still wish nothing but good fortune and happiness to all of my friends past and present. Regardless of beef, past grudges, or just how broken our connection is now each of these people have had an important part in my life and I don’t believe a single one of them deserves to feel anything but happiness. So yeah, for 2019 I wish just that again. I’m not really asking this year for anything for me, it’s been a rough year for everybody and I got what was only coming to me. Take care of them.

I suppose that’s it with the retrospect. There was a million other things I thought of while writing this but if I wrote everything it’d be a novel again and I’d end up talking more about specific events and I wanted to avoid that so I’ll leave this here. I think it’s about time for a real change now and if I have anything to look forward to this year it’s just that.

– T.