Welcoming Change

Edit: I had to revise this just a little bit because me getting upset while writing certainly influenced what I ended up talking about.

For as long as I know I’ve been very attached to my routines. You get a sense of comfort when you know what you have to look forward to the next day. Some people appreciate waking up and not knowing what life’s going to throw at you and sure to some extent I appreciate having nice little surprises and learning to love new things I didn’t think I’d ever love before fate or whatever makes me try it. That’s nice and all but I still much rather prefer knowing that when I wake up tomorrow I’m going to be greeted into the day by my friends who I love dearly, I know about how I’ll end up in the end of the day, and most importantly I’m not going to get hurt by something I wasn’t prepared for. This makes me feel really lost and unsure of what to do next when that change comes and I end up being completely blindsided by it. To make things short-ish a lot has changed this past month. I’ve met new friends, tried things I didn’t think I would ever do, got reacquainted with some people I missed dearly, but also I’ve lost people close to me and that’s been the hardest to adjust to. My life has changed and I wish I could say when that all started because it feels like it’s been abrupt but it’s been months since I last remember feeling like things were good again or at least felt comfortable. I thought some people’s return into my lives were a godsend, and were just the icing on top of the cake of what was this nice path of self-improvement after my last break up.

It wasn’t to say the least. In fact I think this person was just as detrimental to my well-being/mental health as the ex who was just using me. With them at least it was very clear that they were using me and they actually left afterwards. Whatever though. I’m just so tired of even just talking about this and the fact that I feel like I get more progress when I talk with this site than when I do actually trying to talk about it with that person upsets me even more. Change is eventually thrusted upon us no matter how much we try and avoid it and sometimes it’s for the better. You might not see it as better when it first changes but usually things have to change and you need to get out of the situation you’re in to be able to see the fact that you were in a very harmful/toxic environment or just in a situation that was ultimately bad for you. Once you’re out and you’ve had some time to reflect on your new situation and how better you feel and how you feel like whoever’s been stepping and putting this pressure on your chest is now released. It feels like you can breathe again. I felt that way, always worried about what someone cared or thought of me not realizing that they really didn’t share the same feelings or care. I felt like a crutch, a tool for someone to use while they were getting better and when that comes from someone who you see as your best friend.. it destroys you. Until you’re out of it.

I almost forgot what it’s like to be in a friendship where I didn’t feel like I had to constantly fight for their attention. Like I didn’t constantly need them to just “notice” me and talking actually leaves me smiling and not wanting to — eh I put punch a wall but they don’t really make me want to do that. I just leave feeling really anxious and depressed because now I’m left thinking about all the shitty stuff I’ve been trying to move on from and I get to see how easy it was for them to do that.. Anyway this new change has been nice. I missed waking up and being told good morning, having someone excitedly tell me their plans for the day, and actually want to spend time with me. I missed not feeling like someone who was only talked to on their very brief moments of “free time.” I missed mattering to someone. Change is always hard to accept and there are brief moments where I see something or I’m forced to be reminded of things I don’t want to be and I end up thinking about the good times but with enough distance from that you see that every moment has its good times. Choosing to ignore the many many shitty ones doesn’t make that time perfect. It just means you miss a feeling and not that situation or that person. Well, you can miss that person.. I do. I just don’t think that person or that situation is something I want anymore. Not if it’s going to just end the way it has and if I get treated the way I have been. I’m starting to wake up each day and not know what’s going to come next but I am excited to see what it is. I’m excited to see what meme or instagram post my friend is going to send anytime they see something that reminds me of them, I’m excited to be able to go out drinking and have fun with people I never thought I’d have fun spending time with, I’m excited to no longer look at the time and hope that maybe just maybe they’ll talk to me and we’ll finally have that conversation that makes things right again. I hate change and I don’t know if I will ever be fully on board with having to make such drastic changes in my life, but I will say when you’re in such a position where you’re feeling shitty and the source of that pain is sort of just stuck at an arm’s length and you can’t no matter what you try.. avoid that because some part of you still wants it. Even with the pain. When you’re stuck in that position, the only thing you can do is try and welcome that change.

And I was going to write a last bit about what I was thankful for since I did start this on Thanksgiving Day but I of course didn’t end up finishing it in time so it’s a little late for this. I’m doing it anyway though. I’m thankful for my family who’s been here for me since the beginning, and while I at times wish my family situation was a bit better I do appreciate that they’ve been there for me when I’ve truly needed it. I’m thankful for my close friends. Without you guys I wouldn’t have been able to make it through any of this. Literally. I was so close to not wanting to try and go through another day but the people I love and those that care about me refused to let that happen. And for that I’m thankful. I’m thankful I got to talk with some old friends and have it feel just like it was between us years ago. Not a sense of awkwardness or distance making things weird, it just felt like I was home again with someone who cares about me deeply and has been there for me through some of my toughest shit I’ve had to deal with. Thank you. I’m nothing without any of you guys and I just really appreciate being able to spend my lives with you guys if even for a brief moment. And fuck it, while I’m sure thankful I’m out of it.. I’m still very thankful for those good times I had with the person I’m not really close with anymore. I still remember those times being as the best time of my life and something I will probably compare to for a long time coming, but I’m just glad it happened. I’m thankful for those memories even if right now that’s really all I have from this that still feels nice..

Anyway Happy Late Thanksgiving and good luck to you all.

– T.