An even more unconventional post if I even end up publishing this one but I had the inspiration to write the last one and ended up publishing it all within just a few hours. The most time was spent really just getting the screenshots because I knew I wanted to just go through it real quick and answer it in a general FAQ like format. So my tangents couldn’t get too out of hand. The end result is I kind of impulsively wrote this not really realizing, even though the reminiscing was a positive experience, the majority of the songs and consequentially the majority of my talking of associations were about the negative stuff. Perhaps my newer associations haven’t had enough time to have been repeatedly played like the others have, maybe just my mental state then resulted in more repeated plays. I don’t know. I want to even more quickly go through some more of the positive associations and important songs to me I’ve gained this year. That way I don’t feel like I’m endlessly bitching on this site.

I don’t want to go through and get more screenshots or link songs to give context but for the sake of where I’m getting these songs from, it’s from this playlist spotify made for me, “Your Top Songs of 2019.” In case anyone stumbling upon this reads this and wants to listen to what song it is I’m talking about but it’s not necessary to understand the association/it’s meaning to me.

Let’s start off with UMI – High School and the several NIKI songs on this playlist. Well, this one is easy. I share a playlist with someone I really care about and this was a song they added along with a few other songs in this sort of R&B, more mainstream Pop feel to it? I don’t know. For someone who listens to a lot of music, I don’t really know how to describe the songs I listen to all that much. Anyway it’s not something I would have normally listened to but now I love mostly because of the time in which I was reintroduced it.

Kehlani – Honey is from around the same time in my life and I can’t listen to it without falling in love all over again. No drug has gotten me higher than the feeling I used to have listening to this song.

Let’s switch this up since I don’t want this post to now be all about this one time in my life. This one isn’t on this playlist, none of this artist’s songs are on this playlists probably because of how recent my love for her music spawned, but it really should be. Sammy Rae – Saw it Coming, this one I’ll go more into detail because it’s the specific lyrics that I’ve connected to.

What I did was not a good thing to do
See, I made somebody go through something I didn’t wanna go through
I’m gonna get what’s coming to me, I deserve it
Even if I don’t feel like I do

Simple. This reminds me of my feelings of regret for my past mistakes, of truly feeling sorry for hurting people I really wanted to help bring up with me. I felt like all the shit that came afterward was mostly universal karma and it was what I deserved. Again that’s what I felt– we’re going to see a theme here.

What I did was such a big thing to do
See, I made it through something I didn’t think I would make it through
And I’m gonna get that good that’s coming to me, I deserve it
Even if I don’t feel like I do

These reflect my more recent feelings. I’d spent a lot of time blaming myself and feeling shitty for what I have done but there are some things which I have to go, “Wow that was really hard for you to do. And you’re still here. And even if I may not feel like it I’m going to get what I really deserve and that’s happiness. Most people deserve it and I want to send out good vibes hoping that those people get it. The contrast between the previous verse remind me of the stark contrast in my outlook on this situation and proof that hey I’m not getting worse even if at times it feels like it, I might even be improving.

Whatcha did was not a good thing to do
And I’m gonna tell ya that, too
You made somebody who got it tough just rough it out, make it through
You know you’re gonna get what’s coming to ya, you deserve it
Even if you do not feel like you do

This is where the pattern comes in, because this reflects or reminds me of past feelings I felt towards a friend. Hurt.

’Cause what you did was such a big thing to do
You always stand up for yourself, that’s why we’re sticking up for you
I want all my friends to get the good that’s coming to ’em
They deserve it, even if they don’t feel like they do
‘Cause they do

But.. this where the positive side of this comes. After writing that “Ask Me Anything” post I felt like I was genuinely letting go of a lot that I was still wasting so much time trying to “figure out.” And letting go of at least a little bit of that left any feeling of hurt/bitterness (towards the situation) and just filled with naive optimism and love. I want my friends past and present, this is something I’ve said time and time again but that just means it’s still as true today as it was then, to be happy and all the good they’ve long deserved and haven’t received are sure as hell going to come and it’s going to be amazing. Or it has been amazing. Even better. I added this song to the playlist I shared with the person I was thinking of during these specific lines, but I admittedly overthought it and went “Uh oh what if they see this one song and see the previous more bitter lines and think that’s the message I’m trying to send to them. And not the real reason which is the later more positive lines and the desire to share something that I enjoy a lot with someone I still cared about a lot.” So I just put all of the songs of hers that I love thinking that might help prevent that, even though honestly I doubt she’d ever have made that connection if she even saw it. It wasn’t too long ago but I find it funny how ridiculous I was/can be when I start panicking. It would’ve helped to “check the facts” then.

And since most of the other songs on this playlist that are positive associations are about feelings of infatuation or in some other way are about one of the two people I’ve already mentioned in this post, let’s I guess finish this off with The Strokes – Ask Me Anything because this one obviously reminds me of the time that I wrote the post with the same title. I went through quite the process this year, basically this long dragged out version of real grief. Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Ask Me Anything reminds me to when I finally got to Acceptance. Not just for the events this year but even shit that happened back in 2013– like this is how cathartic of an event that was for me. And my changed outlook and goal of wanting to try and project more positive vibes than negative ones. Maybe that’s why I felt so compelled to write this whole “retraction” of sorts. That’s all– I wanted to talk more about positive stuff but admittedly I still feel weird and uncomfortable talking about the good rather than bitching about the bad. I’m still trying though.

(Also I should really plan out these posts more because I was really hoping I could talk less about more songs, compared to what this ended up being but they tended to all have similar associations that weren’t worth rapid firing through.)

-T.