Obsessions and Mistakes

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I’ve recently come to notice a reoccurring pattern in my life. There will be things and people I find who I love and care about so intensely that they start to become an obsession. A crush in some cases, but this isn’t exclusive to only crushes. There will be a person, an event, or even just an idea that keeps popping in my head intrusively and it becomes quite a hindrance. That’s not to say that being obsessed about something or someone is always a bad thing. Just the thought that hey this thing or person is something I think about constantly shows how important they are to you and that could be a good thing. I know if someone was obsessed with me and I shared the feeling (even if not to the extent they do) I’d be flattered as long as the obsession was a healthy one. I like to joke about my friends “stalking me” when they go through my social media pages because it really is nice to know that they thought of me and decided to go through my social media to see what’s going on with me. My tumblr’s probably the best way to get a general idea of what’s going on with me without just straight up asking me (and I’ll probably tell them I’m not too guarded anymore.) There are unhealthy obsessions I have experienced though, mostly obsessions I have had but also some others have had for me and I can tell you once it crosses that line you stop really enjoying that notion that hey this thing is important to you/you are important to this person. It becomes worrisome. For me this was a big issue in high school. I grew up watching movies where the introverted shy kid obsessed over the pretty girl so this idea became ingrained in my mind that that’s what was important. That this girl, this crush, this fantasy of a human being I’ve essentially conjured up in my mind was my main goal in high school. I needed to tell this person I liked them and hope that they liked me back. Then I could live happily ever after… or something. Honestly, I didn’t really think things through much past the point of me just telling them that hey I have feelings for you. In some ways I suppose I still haven’t because I still don’t really ever seem to get past that point but I digress. This crush in high school became my obsession. All I could think of and it was terrible. You run the same situation in your head a million times and once you take a breath and stop to realize that no matter what you do and no matter how many times you run this through mentally before hand things aren’t going to go the way you planned. Feelings aren’t going to be reciprocated just because they are now aware you have them. I’ve spent so much of high school living my life based on an ideal that essentially made no sense and I wish I learned, and in some ways I have but in some ways I also haven’t.

I, admittedly, was a little obsessed and now that reality’s set back in I don’t know what to do. I was so sure that things were going to be a certain way and things were going to be great, but something happened and all these thoughts I had about this about what was and what will be seemed like nothing but a waste of time. It’s my fault really. I should have learned that you can’t expect things to just work out the way you planned just because you really want them to. People have feelings and wants to and sometimes those don’t always align with your feelings and wants. Sometimes people just don’t have any of the feelings you thought they had anymore. It happens. It makes me wonder if those I feel were obsessed with me were obsessed because of my actions. What I did to make them feel what they feel and make them think I felt the same way (and to the same extent.) I honestly don’t understand why anyone would even think of me when they don’t have to. Why would anybody want to imagine me, a life with me, a situation the include me in it? Fuck if I know. I wonder if this my fault too and, worse, I wonder if I did it intentionally. I really hope I didn’t because if I did then I am really an asshole. I sort of always figured I was anyway so if it was intentional I wouldn’t be so surprised because it would only confirm what I already figured. I’m sure I’ve already apologized in a blog post before, and countless times to these people personally but still… again I’m sorry.

I really am an asshole and I keep trying to warn those around me that I may give off this persona that hey I’m an innocent, honest, and caring person who is benevolent all the time and will always put your feelings over mine… but it’s not true. I’ve hurt people just as many times as I’ve been hurt. There are people in my life who I can look back and say they’ve done horrible things to me and some might consider them terrible people because of it but I don’t only because if I’m well aware of what I’ve put other people through because of my own feelings, my own insecurities, my selfish desires and I know if I saw them as terrible people then I would be one too. Some people I know who do decide to read this will go “no that’s not true you’re amazing” and I really just think you haven’t seen everything my shitty personality has to offer and others who have gotten the “pleasure” to see the full extent of what I have to offer to this world will certainly agree and maybe take the slightest bit of satisfaction knowing that hey at least I’m aware. At least I know what I’ve done. I hope if you’ve left feeling nothing from my apologies that at least that might help a little. I’ve made many mistakes and some have permanently burnt bridges that sometimes I go back and wish never existed in the first place. I’d like to think I’ve learned from them, but I end up making them again and again so probably not.

To those who may still be obsessed with me for whatever reason please learn to ignore these feelings and maybe obsess over something positive. I’m not worth the time you spend thinking of me. And you’re better off without me. Trust me. These obsessions are unhealthy not only for me (because I surely don’t want to be obsessed over, not in the way that you are) but it is incredibly unhealthy for you too. So please, please.. let me go. Only then will the both of us be free.

– With an Unhealthy Amount of Love and Adoration,
Tristan.

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