I was a bit preemptive last time during my unpublished post. I did think things were getting better but perhaps I jumped the gun that time. Perhaps I was merely just distracting myself enough to think I was better, but with enough time I’m hoping things are going to be at least easier now. I didn’t think I’d say this but I’m very thankful for my nonstop mood swings these past months because it has immensely exhausted me. It has numbed me from feeling any happiness, any sadness, anything.. That doesn’t normally seem like a good thing but it allowed me to take some time to think about my situation and my way of thinking.. the numbness let me look at things and see them in a way that wasn’t being distorted by my feelings. At least that’s the hope. It gave me a revelation that helped–
I really need to be quicker at writing these and not start something a week or two ago and try and finish it later. This “revelation” was actually just the beginning of a process that isn’t what the past times I thought I was getting out of whatever “this” was. It’s not mania it’s not delusion like I was afraid the previous times have been. It’s a complete change in the way I think and in the way I try to understand certain situations. It did take some numbness to see things less biased (in either direction) and try and think of how I wanted to go about changing things. It started off with the realization that I was obsessing over something that didn’t exist anymore. Something that couldn’t exist anymore because things have just changed since then. People have changed. The whole situation has changed and mostly for the better, but that thing I wanted that I was unrealistically hoping to see again one day I’m sure is dead. That seemed terrifying to me before. Just that there was nothing I could do about that, but that actually took a lot of stress out of it too. It took a lot of blame out of it because time just changes things. It destroys moments to make room for new ones. The new ones that come aren’t always going to pan out. Heck in the time of starting even this paragraph and by the time I actually got to writing this sentence.. a few things amazing things bloomed and almost just as quickly burst into flames. In some ways I’m still hurt about these things ending. In others I’m so fucking glad it did because I know I probably wouldn’t have ended it myself and I’d be stuck in situations that I thought were good for me but ultimately just wasn’t in anyway what I thought it was.
That seems to be a reoccurring theme these days. It’s mostly my fault. I tend to rush into things that make me feel good, make me feel happy in hopes that.. well not that it’d make me feel better but that it would help while I tried to make myself feel better. It’s a strange feeling to be so motivated by guilt and just an overall desire to want to change, to make things different. That’s what’s been most important to me. Making sure that if I got a second chance to fucking try my hardest to do things right this time. I don’t know what’s the right way most of the times but I’m well aware of what I did wrong and how I let my feelings and emotions get the better of me. For this one instance I tried and I know I tried but it still wasn’t enough and I was still with a person who told me nothing about how they felt. It felt like there was a brick wall between us yet we still acted like we were the closest people. I was acting too but I think I was more trying to convince myself than I was them. I’ve been through so much shit, so much lying and most importantly so much fucking deception and manipulation.. When I start to feel like I don’t really know the person I fell in love with that’s when I get terrified. Actually any time I notice a wall being put up (especially when that wall wasn’t there before) I freak out because of how quickly it usually happens.. I start to wonder “Did I really see this situation the same way they did? Do they see me the way I thought they see me? Is this even real?” And I’d like to say this is just me being irrational but it’s never not been true so far. So I get cautious. I take it personally. And often I just distance myself.
One good thing that did come out of this is the revelation that I do tend to be more in love with ideas.. and with the opportunity of a relationship than maybe that relationship or with that person. However it doesn’t only apply to past relationships but it’s especially the case when it comes to old flames because you start with this notion that things are going to be the same. You’re just gonna click as easily as you used to and they’re going to feel like home again like they had before, but they don’t. They can’t be any of these things they used to be because shit changes and people change. You can’t do anything about it and you can’t blame anyone or any thing. It just is and that sucks but so does everything else out of your control. You kind of just have to accept it and know the world is full of many infinite possibilities and just because something isn’t the same or something won’t work anymore.. Doesn’t mean something new isn’t right around the corner to help. Since the past couple of posts and drafts talked about how shit I was doing or how better I was doing. Just know that I’m kind of somewhere in the middle now and I’m sort of just playing this all by ear. I haven’t written any post in a good while and probably wont for a while (though any time I say that I tend to immediately post a day or two after woops) but I think that means I’m at least making some progress. I’ll take it. Progress is nice.
It’s the memories that are the worst. The happiness I felt in those fleeting moments that keep playing in my head over and over, painting a sad smile on my face. It’s those memories that make it so difficult to let go. It feels like I’m tearing a piece of myself apart. But I do
There is a deafening sound in my head. The blaring thunderous noise of utter defeat and madness. Trapped inside my own self, unable to do the simplest thing. The one thing I want to do more than anything else in the world. Behind a glass wall screaming and slamming my fists into it as hard