Normally when talking about things that have happened between us I try and talk about it as objectively and as understanding as I can. You’re only human and I have made some pretty terrible mistakes as well. I’ve hurt people, people I didn’t intend on hurting but have hurt nonetheless. You, however, hurt me intentionally. You hurt me knowing well enough what you were doing would have a tremendous effect on me for quite some time yet you still went and did it. And big fucking surprise! It did. So for once I want to just once with complete bias and any understanding at all reflect on our friendship and just say.. How fucking dare you.–
Ha! I find it so funny (in a kind of depressing way) that instead of having to completely start from scratch I was able to work from an old draft in which I actually was talking about an entirely different person but every single word that I had already written perfectly still applies. Odd.. This letter was intentionally was going to be written for (the original) Summer back when I actually still remembered they existed. A person who you had so many things to say about, that you used to know and that you called a “slut.” I don’t think she was one. I definitely don’t think she was a good person and believe me I am so glad to be away from her.. but I don’t think she was and I would never call her (or you) a “slut.” That’s just not me, I guess. I also think serially manipulating people; latching on to them, making them feel wanted and needed.. just to disappear as soon as you managed to temporarily fill that hole in your chest from basking in my truly undeserved attention and affection. That isn’t slutty. It’s so much fucking worse. And to further hammer in the point that this situation and you were just a carbon copy of something you apparently detested.. everything I write about can apply to both of you. And I find this so amusing.
You met me at a weird/awful time in my life. A time where I just recently had to leave something/someone important in my life and I didn’t quite know how to healthily cope with it, but at the same time I still just genuinely wanted to try and deal with that and move on. Because of that though, there was this pit in my chest that I just really either wanted to go away or to not be so fixated on how awful it felt feeling it. I thought I could revisit or rejoin an old hangout filled with faces I hadn’t really talked to in a while. Wasn’t really looking for anything.. I just wanted to enjoy just a little bit of time with people I enjoyed hanging out with and not be so worried and fixated on all the complicated bs.. non-stop lies from someone who I thought was my “closest” friend. I just wanted to not think about that for a while. And I wasn’t! I was just playing games with friends and it was just as uncomplicated and as fun as I had hoped it would be. Then, that was when I met you. Well, this was when I first officially met you. Where I first talked to you personally. I had known of you for a while. You hung out in the same places that I used to hang out with and you were either friends with or were known by most of the people I was friends with and talked to. I didn’t really have much of an opinion of you beforehand honestly. Take that however you’d like, but I hadn’t really talked to you and gotten to know your personality so I didn’t know how you were like besides how you played the game sometimes and some questionable stories about you. Stories of which I know I should have listened to and heeded the warnings, but I just can’t do that. I have this strong moral belief that everybody should be given a equal chance when gathering my opinion of a person. I like and kind of need to only judge a person based on the actions they’ve done to me personally because otherwise I’m completely writing someone off entirely as person just because of a biased story or in some cases.. just flat-out lies. I’m rambling a bit, but yeah despite knowing of you.. this was the first time I got a chance to actually get to know you… well, begin to.
I feel like such an idiot. Because after talking with you and spending time with you I thought hey, this is might actually be a really nice person. A person that I enjoyed spending time with and that seemed to be caring and.. it seemed like you liked me. I don’t know if you know if you ever actually did like me. Still, you seemed like you did and initially I didn’t quite know what I felt. I went along with some of the flirting because, well flirting’s nice and because I liked you as person and I wanted to see how this goes and hope my feelings caught up. While this is kind of where the situations detract but for one it was allowed to slowly build up. I was oblivious to most of the signs, but she had groomed me for a while she had given me enough time to slowly build up my feelings for her and while not her intention, I’m sure, she gave me plenty of time to also distance myself from the relationship so when I did find out the truth (or at least part of the truth) it hurt but I was able to walk away from it with just some minor damage. The other Summer however rushed the hell out of all of this. Pressured me into doing a lot of things I really didn’t feel comfortable doing. My feelings were still playing catch up by the time I realized that the period in which you needed to use me had already passed. So I was pretty attached when the realization occurred and because a bit more affected. The results of both situations and people are the same though. You used me, lied to me at every chance you could, and even when I try and just be understanding and talk with you. You lie to me more. The worst thing is that at any point instead of pretending to like me to gain my affection, if you were really feeling that desperate for attention and for affection you could’ve have just been upfront about any of your feelings and I would’ve helped. I would’ve offered to distract you when you were feeling shitty without that tease of a possibility of a relationship.. I wouldn’t have thought you were a bad person, especially if you actually were actively trying to stop doing that to people. I would’ve been fine being your friend and helping you work through that.. but you didn’t talk about anything. Just used me as another one of your victims. Summers, the last thing you said to me (and I hope will continue to be the last) was a lie and an attempt to manipulate me after I’ve put myself out there and try to understand why the fuck you’re doing any of this. I don’t know why even still then, you tried? Was it to try and make your last words to me a way to try and calm me down, to make me feel bad for you when you’ve been intentionally using me and hurting me since we’ve met so you could feel better about it?
I don’t know. I don’t even know how much of an effect this really has on you. At least this specific instance since I feel like I’m just a small part of a what must be an exhausting cycle… I feel like I know I can say for certain what the answer to that is for one of them. I’m thinking it’s the same for both, but who knows.. I was kept out of the loop the whole time. You used me to either get over your ex, or to upset him so quickly after things had ended. I didn’t know how fucking recent it was until I was already sort of in it with you. And that worried me and it should have because that was probably the only hint I should have needed.. If the stories that I’ve been told are true and I know what I’ve said about stories but when I know the words that you tell me aren’t true then stories I hear from people are the only reputable source of character I have of you.. especially when everything else you’ve done points towards backing these claims up. Anyway, these stories tell me that there were plenty people before me.. and there are currently new people in my place/are soon going to be because why wait, right? This doesn’t go for just you, Summer, but still applies to you.. I really wish people that I trusted would stop lying to me. I don’t think they realize how much avoiding someone, making excuses and constantly deflecting any actual concerns that I have or bring up.. Stop telling me what I want to hear it’s worse than the truth. I’m just really tired of it and I don’t have the patience for it. So I really hope that stops and they stop.. because I can’t take much more of it. And I’m ready to just walk away from it all.
I haven’t posted in a while because I have been trying to avoid using this site. Recently I’ve had a real difficult time talking with people. Partly because I’ve felt pretty distant from most of the people I felt really close to, both figuratively and literally. But mostly it’s just been me. My anxieties and
I tend to do this thing in many of my friendships and it’s that for some inexplicable reason (in some of my friendships) I tend to give the other person total control in the relationship. I end up sitting in the back row of a performance that I should be co-directing. Yet, I don’t. This