Afraid

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This isn’t the fear like my irrational fear of jellyfish. When I say afraid, I mean the fear tied to my deepest insecurities. I feel like it would be so much easier if I just limited myself so people couldn’t hurt me, but I keep going out and asking for it. Maybe it’s because I know what happens when I don’t. The last time took me several years to recover, and although I was safe inside my walls, I missed out on some of the best memories I could have had in my life. People will always hurt you. I think I just have to teach myself to be okay with that. It’s hard to justify because when they’re hurting you, you feel crippled under them, but when they’re with you it feels like it’s all worth it because of the happiness they bring you. Maybe my problem is I don’t tell people when they hurt me. They probably have no idea that their actions make me feel terrible, so why would they stop? But at the same time I don’t want to tell them because then they’ll feel bad about what they’re doing and why should they have to change just to accommodate me. And my insecurities. Maybe I should just stop being insecure. I don’t like being constantly afraid to lose people I care about, so it would be best if I just wasn’t. If I just stopped caring about them, it would make it so much easier to not be hurt by them.

But I can’t. I can’t stop loving someone. I don’t even think it’s possible. That’s because there is a reason you fell in love with them in the first place, and as long as that reason still stands, you will always love them regardless of what they do to you. Now I’m not justifying staying in like a wife beater kind of relationship, but it’s very difficult to stay away from someone you love when they ask for you. I want to feel that happiness they bring me even though I haven’t forgotten about the scars they left me with. And I’m afraid of when they will do it again. It’s hard not to be completely terrified of that. That’s the one thing that completely verifies my insecurities, which most of the time I can classify as irrational. But then you get dumped like you’re worthless and you feel worthless even though your brain screams that you’re not but everything you were afraid of comes true. How does a person tell themselves their insecurities are irrational when they keep coming true? Maybe you can’t. Maybe you have to live life knowing it will happen again and again. Maybe the only solution is to get used to it so you can at least stop being afraid of it happening. But of course, that’s much easier said than done.

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