I tend to do this thing in many of my friendships and it’s that for some inexplicable reason (in some of my friendships) I tend to give the other person total control in the relationship. I end up sitting in the back row of a performance that I should be co-directing. Yet, I don’t. This isn’t some new revelation for me either. I’ve been aware of this for a very long time and I’ve written about it, I’m sure, on several posts of the past so what’s different now? Nothing if I really think about it. All times I have been bothered and frustrated with how people have used and abused that control, whether it be just to make themselves feel better or to intentionally make me feel worse. Some people have just not realized they had that control over me and have end up hurting me because of it, because their unaware how affected I can be my their actions. Which is also my fault because the best way for them to have known that would have just been for me to say it, but if we’ve been paying any attention at all we’ll know that not directly saying my feelings is a reoccurring theme in my life. I’m afraid to directly say I’m feeling one way either in general or about a specific situation or person because everyday I’m learning and I get more adjusted to things. That’s why you’ll find a few conflicting opinions if you were to compare old posts to new ones it’s just that I’m always updating the way I view everything and I’m afraid if I tell someone that I feel a certain way that they’re going to hold me to it months later and when I feel sometimes the exact opposite that becomes an issue.

Almost exactly a year ago I felt myself going through this same thing and unfortunately I never learned my lesson fully from last year and I should have. I was too focused on what other people would do that my days ended up becoming just me waiting and all this time I’m building up these repressed feelings up to the point where I have to do SOMETHING in order to not explode. I don’t know what that something is, hopefully it’s just writing this. Anyway, I don’t really know what it is that I’m waiting for them to do. I just a lot of the times feel really unhappy with how things are going and I don’t have the ability to tell them either because I’m afraid how they’ll react. I’m someone who would rather just shut up and endure it than speak up and potentially upset someone or to change things for good. I have a lot of things about myself that I really need to focus on fixing or else I’m just going to keep ending up in this same position. Waiting never ends well and I end up with just feeling like I’ve wasted weeks or months of my life for honestly I don’t even know what. I’m waiting for people to talk to me, to invite me to things, I don’t know? Something other than the radio silence I normally get. Still, I’m just waiting the whole time and not doing anything about it so I have no one to blame but myself.

At this point, I’m just exhausted.  I’m stuck wanting to tell people so many things, but I’m afraid how that might change things either between us or just in general. I need to be able to speak up and say that hey this, this is affecting me and for some I think just them knowing would be enough to begin to make things better, but there are also others that me saying anything would be pointless. I think it would just come off as an insult,  They can’t do anything about it. And I know they can’t do anything about it, either its just too much that’s wrong that it’s unrealistic of me to ask someone to change that much. I don’t care even if you think I’m the best friend you’ve ever had because no matter what at that point it’s just not worth it. I’m not worth it. I want to grow up. I want to move on. And I know for certain what’s holding me back and it’s like I’m too afraid to do or say anything because that means a lot will change and I’m not mentally prepared for that. However, I don’t think I will ever be prepared for change it just has to happen and at some point I just have to get used to it.

So here’s to whatever the future holds… I am fucking terrified.