Undelivered Letters: Emily

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Dear Emily,

Oh man, it’s been a while since we’ve talked. Hasn’t it? Well, since we’ve talked regularly like we used to, that is. Let me just start off by saying you mean a lot to me and I miss you.  Just in a “I really enjoyed the times we spent together, talked, and just knowing you in general and thinking of these moments makes me nostalgic” kind of way. Not in a “I desperately need you to feel the same way I feel and be just as obsessed with me as I am with you” kind of way. Not anymore, at least. I had/have some problems to work on, but I can say that I do look back at the events that have transpired and look back with a certain fondness. I’m glad that they’ve happened. Sure, we ended up becoming more and more distant and we don’t share that same relationship that we used to where we would both feel comfortable telling each other anything and everything, but that was just something that happened. We ended up in different groups of friends, we spent more time with others than we spent just alone together, and we just talked less and less often. Unfortunately, that’s just something that happens. I’m really glad though, because knowing you and being close with you when I did know you was just what I needed. You really had helped me come back from the brink. I really wanted to be able to return the favor and be able to help you out with what you were dealing with. Because I know, even though you didn’t really like to let on that you were having troubles, it was very apparent that you were and that you needed help. I tried to be that person but looking back, I was dealing with too much at the time to be able to really actually help much. So it was probably for the best that things happened the way they happened.

It’s funny looking back at our friendship because I weirdly didn’t have all that great of a first impression of you. You seemed aggressive and cold, and the darkest things interested you. It was a little odd to say the least. You didn’t seem, at the time, like someone could get to know you. I know because when I first tried to get to know you, you were very uninviting, cold, and short with me. There was clearly a strong wall between you and the rest of the world and it seemed to be doing it’s job because I did not try and get closer to you after that. We still kind of became friends though, I somehow managed to gain the status of “mutual friend” thanks to those I knew and hung out with but you and I talked very rarely. It didn’t seem liked that would ever change, because here you were a pretty closed off person and I was kind of just an annoying little shit that really loved the attention that the dark jokes and playful teasing got me. It did change. I don’t remember exactly what happened that made it change but we went from being someone who only talked to each other when we kind of had to or if we just were contributing to the same conversation in the group we both were in to someone who genuinely had a huge impact on my life and someone I could come to with whatever I needed to. If you had told me when we first met that this girl who I thought was not really the nicest person, would become someone who I would later depend on, tell everything to, and at some point blurt out that I umm.. well, that I loved her. I’d say, while the last thing definitely seems like something I’d do, you were pretty fucking crazy for thinking that’d be the person I’d end up being best friends with. After getting to actually know you, and finding out your interests and weirdly even just the way you saw the world made me know for sure that this was somebody I wanted to keep around.

I owe quite a bit of who I am today because of you. A lot of my current interests are kind of because of you. You introduced me to the wonderful world of musicals. I was completely unaware of a specific musical until you showed me it, telling me how much you loved it and how much the themes around the show meant to you. It made me want to see it, and I immediately fell in love. With the musical, I must clarify after mentioning the whole blurting out thing. Anyway, that ended up becoming my all-time favorite. Right before Hamilton ended up taking it’s spot, but for the longest time I held this musical and its soundtrack close. I would listen to it on my way to school non-stop. It’s not just interests though. A lot of my character and how I’ve learned to just be up-front and talk about things was in part to how talking with you, telling every single detail so I wouldn’t hold anything in and explode again, kind of kept me sane. People are confusing, they lie for seemingly no reason, and you never really truly know someone’s intentions. Being someone who is just completely baffled by the whole process of socializing, learning to just be honest about who you are and how you’re feeling really made the whole process a bit easier. So, I know we don’t talk much and we don’t really have that “group” that we used to have, I just really wanted to say thank you. For all of it; for being my friend, for talking with me, for lending a hand and pulling me up when I had hit the lowest of lows. You had seemed to be quite afraid of being easily replaceable and forgotten by people, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that though we may not really talk much anymore or be what we used to be.. no one could ever replace you or the role you’ve had in my life. And I definitely could never forget you. I know, I’ve tried.

Love,

T.

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