It’s been a while since the last time I wrote a post. I suppose I have just been trying to “participate.” Most of the time this blog is meant as a way for me to try and articulate my goals, wants, and desires and vent about the moments where I am otherwise failing or struggling with my goal and that hasn’t been the case as of late. I am very sure of my (short-term) goals and the steps in which I plan on taking them so this past month has really just me acting on those plans and enjoying the process in the meantime. That’s why I haven’t talked much on here because I really want to spend more time just doing what I want to do than talking about it. I have also attempted to write this post on several different occasions but I’ve really struggled to put this flurry of thoughts and emotions into “paper.” I’ve been dealing with a strange dichotomy because as far as my mental health and all the progress I’ve been working years on at this point with therapy is actually showing those near end goal results. I have a much larger control of my emotions and those impulsive actions that have plagued every corner of my life; such as my friendships/relationships, my job, my idea of the “future”, and I hate to be so melodramatic but my will to live as well. With my place in life, right now at least, I am content. I know I’m still a work in progress but I actually like who I am now compared to who I used to be and I hope that with continued therapy and life experiences I will continue to be a more improved me. While all of that has felt comforting and rewarding, this year outside of my mental health and my relationships, has been an utter disaster. The year 2020 has lasted a decade and it has seriously beaten the crap out of all of us here just trying to make it out alive (and oh how I wish I was being hyperbolic.)
It feels like an entirely different world we’re living in now. Almost unrecognizable. When I step out the door I am met with dozens of reminders of the new world that we’re living in now; temperature checks, everyone’s wearing a mask, and any place you want to shop will be filled with barriers. The sight of another human being out in the world brings more than the social anxiety but now an actual deep down to my core terror. The biggest danger of coming into contact with another person no longer is simply embarrassing myself and adding shaming myself for my lack of social ability, it is a high chance that that person could kill me. It shouldn’t have gotten as bad as it has and if we didn’t have a president who’s main concern is his public image over the lives of the American people. We have elected a fucking man-child and I have never been more ashamed to call myself an American. Maybe not directly, but I hold our so called “president” responsible for these hundreds of thousands of deaths, for the deaths of friends and family who might have had a chance if this man didn’t put such an effort in denying the severity of this disease ¹, his very murky (which most people interpret as lack of) support towards wearing masks ¹ ², and his constant lies and refusal to take accountability and sufficient action choosing to blame others instead because saying this is “China’s fault” or the “China virus” is going to help us any ¹. All of this shit is also on top of this steadily growing divide in our country between political parties and a serious racial divide that is splitting our country apart. Want an example of how at each other’s throats we are now, just post anything on Facebook that mentions Trump or the Black Lives Matter movement (which can I just interject with the fact that it is absolutely ridiculous that it is “controversial” to take a stance against racial injustice and police brutality.) It doesn’t matter which stance you take. People will get angry, they will insult you, and then likely block you. Makes me glad that I spent so much time isolated from people and lost my/never gained any social skills because none of you make any sense to me and I have no desire to meet more people if these are the people that are awaiting me. This is how we apparently communicate with each other now and I refuse to take part in it. That’s not to say that this is directly the fault of our buffoon head of state though. People from the left are just as obsessed with pointing fingers and demonizing Trump and Republicans than actually doing anything productive. I mean Pelosi touted just how important it was that we impeached Trump immediately because he was a very serious threat to our nation, but then delayed the process for weeks ¹. And now she’s making empty threats to try and impeach the president again to delay the Supreme Court vote which in my opinion absolutely trivializes the whole impeachment process and is why I’m not surprised Trump was able to convince his cultists that that whole process was a joke ¹ ². However it is painfully obvious that our president is thriving on this growing divide and is surely taking advantage of this divide, pulling tactics such as instilling doubt on the mail-in system and even going to the extent of trying to defund our postal system because of it ¹ ² ³. In our latest debate our President, let me repeat myself the person we elected to be the President of our United States, refused to condemn white supremacists finally giving in after several deflects to only make the statement to the far-right extremist group, Proud Boys, to “Stand Back and Stand By.” A statement which this group are proudly showing off as an endorsement ¹ ² ³ ⁴ ⁵ ⁶. I believe to my absolute core this man is a bigot and he is not making any effort to try and hide that fact ¹ ².
Post Edit: I was originally going to write that, while I don’t really wish it upon him, if he contracted Covid I would not shed a tear. And well it was just confirmed while writing this post that he has indeed contracted the virus. I’m not happy he’s contracted it, mostly because I know his refusal to wear a mask when seen publicly means he’s been a breeding ground for the disease this whole time, but I can’t say I feel bad in the slightest. It’s a result of his actions and recklessness. He’ll recover in good health I’m sure but maybe now he might take it more seriously now that HIS life is put in danger because of it.
The Democrats are a joke. The Republicans are a joke. Our president was deserving to be called a clown as unbecoming that was of Biden to say in a presidential debate. It feels like all of these news articles could be synopses to South Park episodes or an article from the Onion (a popular satirical news publication.) It’s just so surreal and I think up until a few months ago I was so exhausted with how futile this all seemed. Our country was fucked and 4 more years of hell just seemed inevitable at this point, but fuck that. Fuck him. Convincing us we have no power, that with the amount of lies and bullshit we deal with constantly from this man, they created an environment that has worn us down and made us falsely believe we have no control. That isn’t true though for as long as we are living in a democracy we will continue to have a voice and the power to vote him out. I made the mistake of saying I hated both candidates last presidential election so whoever won won and that we had four awful years ahead of us either way. I truly underestimated how awful he could be at his job, and how much of a joke he’s made this country. We as a people continue to have just as much power as we always have we’ve just been disillusioned to believe that none of our voices or our votes matter. If he really believed we don’t have any power he wouldn’t be so adamant about ridding of and instilling doubt towards mail-in ballots nor would he say that he would refuse to accept the results if HE doesn’t believe they are legitimate already beginning planting that seed of doubt ¹. Let’s not forget, he did not win the popular vote. If you want him out vote him the fuck out. Screw it, if you want the bastard in vote him in too. It’s just important that we register to vote and use our given rights to pick the leader of our country.
These next comings months are going to bring lots of changes for me personally, I’ll be moving out to an entirely different state (at least for a little bit until I return West.) On top of that I’m in the process of making a lot of life and personal changes/growth as I’m taking all that I’ve learned in these years of therapy and my repeated failures and picking myself back up again, I’m using this to reflect and improve. Not in a way that society deems more acceptable, only just in a way in which I personally feel more proud of myself. Sure having family make comments on the progress I’ve made or how happier I seem is always nice but I know the further I get through this process the more people will disagree with the way I live my life. I want to live a somewhat remote life or at least go out and socialize to the extent that I am comfortable not the amount that I feel “socially pressured” to, not that I don’t like people or spending time with family it’s just that I deal with an insufferable amount of social anxiety and I just honestly rather not force myself to be overwhelmed so that other people who will have their opinion of me regardless, think better of me. Think I’m more social. More “normal.” The more I focus on living in a manner that satisfies me alone while also not allowing myself to be “stagnant,” continuing to make progress to expand my comfort level than I am doing a better job than I’m doing alright. I also hope that the end of the years also brings some changes such as a new president who isn’t continuing to drive a wedge between this country, but even if Biden wins who’s to say he won’t do the very same just in favor of the other side. If Biden can even win. We’ll see. We’ll vote.
-T.