I’ll Try Anything Once

There is a time when we all fail,
Some people take it pretty well,
Some take it all out on themselves,
Some they just take it out on friends,
Oh everybody plays the game,
And if you don’t you’re called insane,

I didn’t know what to title this post, nor do I really know what I want to talk about. I just know that I want to talk about something. I need to talk about something, whatever it is because I’m not feeling great and the only way I know of how to stop this feeling if even for a split second is to write. Even just the act of writing (if not specifically about what I’m upset about) still helps and that the reason I created this site. Originally,  it was just for me to get out my thoughts in a sort of public manner just in case anybody cared or wondered what it was going on and I shared my opinions and what I’ve learned from experiences so it wasn’t entirely served as a place for me to vent, but that’s always been the main aspect of it. In high school, I was quiet and shy and people only knew small bits of me and my personality because I didn’t often express any sort of individuality then. I was trying to fit in at first, but by the time senior year came around I saw what trying to blend in with the crowd does. You become invisible and although I hate attention, at that time I kind of needed it. I needed someone to acknowledge that I existed and I was alive with my own feelings, opinions, and emotions. In high school I became so focused on one thing that I let it drive me into the ground and there’s a long story to the whole thing and I had survived it so I didn’t mind telling that story because if I was that close to letting it all consume me, to let it drive me to the point where I honestly thought the only possible solution to this cyclic depression and failure was to just stop trying and kill myself. I even told it to my entire class, the very same class where I feel my story kind of began. After I gave this presentation about my time trying to be something better and failing, and my trouble with depression including telling them about my time in the hospital and I told my class what I learned from it and how that’s shaped how I wanted to go forward from this. It felt like something I wanted to do, tell people my story so people hopefully didn’t have to go through the same thing. I was invisible and afraid of presenting and I felt like talking about this to a class of people was what I needed to prove that I had grown from it and it wasn’t just a minor phase of weakness like how I’m feeling my more recent troubles with depression are.

I put too much meaning to things; depression, crushes, everything and I always think its some character building experience like my life has to follow a neat and tidy narrative. It makes talking about them more interesting to read about/listen to, but other than trying to use it as an excuse to find something I need to improve on as a person and try to improve it, it doesn’t really do much for me other than make those times that I can’t find some grand meaning or character arc that I can connect it with to make the whole situation a learning experience. In contrast to what it really is which is just an experience. In senior year, I finally did get to give Amy the letter I had been meaning to give her and near the end of the year even though things didn’t quite work out the way I had hoped, she gave me a letter back. I can’t really say what was in it, but I will say it meant a lot. We hadn’t talked for a while before then so out of the blue she came up to me and told me she had wrote me a letter too and she wanted me to read it. And I still have that letter, not because I’m hung up on her. My crush kind of went away soon after I actually got to know her. Not because I found out I didn’t like her, but more because I stopped seeing this idealized version of her which I had grown so infatuated with and I started seeing her, who she actually was, and I just really thought she was the coolest person I have ever met. She was just genuinely I still feel the nicest person I’ve have ever met, she gave me more attention and caring than I really feel like she had to because I was essentially a stranger to her with a crush but she still made me feel like I was important to her, like I made an impact somehow and I can’t tell you just how much that still means to me now. I still have the letter because of that, because of the meaning behind the letter and that’s what I think I’m still hung up on. Although I will admit I’m one to also get hung up on crushes though, maybe more so than the actual person I have the crush on. I just like having a crush sometimes at least when it first starts. It tends to hurt a lot more for me though because I do get attached to them so when things end poorly like they usually do with me, it’s hard for me move on. Well, it takes me a while and some take longer than others, but I always have been able to move on at some point or another. I guess I just need more time for some.

I’m not happy. In fact I have reached the point where I think I don’t even have the strength to act happy. I just want to stay in bed, listen to music, and cry a bit. Yeah, I actually want to cry because I just feel all this repressed sadness that I’ve kept to myself/held in and I just need a release. I have also gotten to a point where writing isn’t all that helpful for making me feel better as it used to be. And that’s what I want this site to be for, for people to vent but if I’m being honest it feels like the past couple posts that were not mine feel directed at me or in some way to get my attention. I don’t know if it’s just me being paranoid and thinking there is no way anyone can genuinely want to use what you’ve made to help themselves or it might be just how I see this person/ all the people i feel this with as someone who would do that and if that’s the case I’m probably not best suited to be their friends whether that be because of me and my irrational feelings that I don’t think ever will go away of its that all these feelings I’m feeling are true and there is a reason behind the things people do that are selfish and just hurt people (mainly myself but there are times where they have in turn also hurt those around them/me) and either way I don’t want to be surrounded by that daily. I just wish all of these negative and feelings would go away. I’m drowning and I don’t want to tell anyone how bad I am because then they’ll try and help me and I don’t want to be saved. I just need to get by each day, and I can manage that myself. The rest is just stuff I’m used to, comfortable even at times. There’s just so many feelings I wish right now would go away so I didn’t just have to manage to just get by until whenever this seasonal depression ends. Oh well.