Coming Back/Saying Goodbye

A lot has transpired in the past year and I really wanted to be able to say that I’ve learned anything from of it, but I haven’t. I have seen myself time and time again repeating the same mistakes and sometimes with the same people even though I know I shouldn’t have this person in my life anymore. I always knew very well that being nice and not acting like the things that bothered me were bothering me, especially when some of those people knew those things were the reason why I left in the first place. Though, realistically my leaving is more to do with me than it does you. Or at least it usually is because I’ll get upset about something and then I’ll be too afraid to say something but I’ll still be upset about it and it gets to a point where I even sometimes forget what I was mad about in the first place. I just have this feeling deep down, this bottled up anger sometimes but most of the time just pure pain, and I know knowing you makes me feel it.  It’s awful and really goes against my idea of how just talking things out will fix everything but I was naive and I didn’t take into consideration what do you do when there’s something about someone that they can’t change or that you can’t realistically ask them to change that upsets you. Are you able to talk about this? Would it help because I feel like it would just make things worse. It would just make them feel worse and that’s not what I want. I don’t want to hurt anybody. Even those that have hurt me in the past and some of these people are also some that I’m sort of talking about in this post. I don’t want to do this for any reaction out of them. Of course, I know there’s going to be a reaction, some might not notice some might make not be so easy to do but ultimately all I really want is to separate myself from this feeling; this uncomfortable-ness, this heart break, this anxiety.. whatever it is that I can’t stop associating with you. I want to rid myself of that, and it is my fault, a negative aspect of who I am that I just can’t learn to either not pick the right people to bring into my life or to just stop wanting to so quickly leave when things are bad.

As you can probably see, all of this is just a whole cycle of negative thinking. And it really takes me a long time to really think about what I want to do about this so when I finally do say goodbye to someone who I don’t think should be in my life anymore/ someone I just don’t want in my life anymore.. it comes off as a huge relief. Here’s this thing I’ve been obsessing about probably for 2-3 months and now it’s gone. I don’t have to feel these things that I feel when I’m with them because I won’t be with them and that’s not healthy sure but let’s just get passed that. Clearly this is a big deal for me, I’m not just doing it willy-nilly there’s usually a real big reason behind it (sometimes it’s something that happened a long time ago) but it’s still something that’s relevant when I ask myself the question “Do I want to be friends with this person?” Though, for the rare few there are some people who I had to remove because having them in my life was painful for one reason or another and it got to a point where I couldn’t bear it anymore. Usually after removing them I do start to actually not think about that person so much anymore, or the feelings associated with that person and I start to move on. That is however, until that person returns.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s all my fault. Please forgive me.” I know that it isn’t always entirely their fault, sometimes it’s entirely mine. And I had already “forgiven them” in the case that I just don’t think about it anymore. I know that I’m also to blame in things going wrong so I’m just glad I’m away from it. I didn’t blame them so much as I just wanted to get away from a bad situation. And these were with people who I have a soft spot for and seeing them hurt and knowing I did that, it’s impossible to say I don’t want you in my life. Even if keeping them away from me is the best thing I could do for them. I just don’t because I don’t want to have to directly hurt them again by refusing to come back, but it’s awful of me and I should do that because we see that once this person comes back in my life, everything that I used to feel about this person starts coming back and some of it’s positive feelings that I feel negatively towards and some are just flat out really awful negative feelings like anxiety or worse.. sometimes jealousy. And in turn I end up undoing all this work I’ve done in moving on and no longer thinking about all of this this and now I have to go through the whole fucking process again and it’s torture. It’s torture that I allow people to do to me, without them even knowing half the time (sometimes they’re definitely aware) so I feel like really I’m just torturing myself. I feel like that’s what I deserve. I just wish I could leave and that could be that because it sucks right now, but I know for a fact you’re better off without me. I know I won’t end up telling any of these people any of this, except maybe directly the reason why I left them, but not the whole picture.. and I won’t tell those that have come back that doing so was an awful decision on both our parts and that I left to stop feeling a certain way and I won’t tell them what it was that I’m feeling. I just want a normal friendship/relationship and I don’t think I can have that with my current group of “pals”  so it might be best to start new. Probably after I get some help because I’m just really not good right now and it’s obviously affecting the way I think and everything that I want to do and I don’t want any of this to happen again. It might, but I want to try and do my best to prevent it. Probably best if I find someone I actually can trust and be close with so I don’t feel like I have to bottle all this up like I have for the past several months.