Threshold

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I had refused to write anything for a good while partially because I didn’t quite have anything to say that was positive or didn’t almost directly affect someone else. That’s not really something I wanted to do then since things were still pretty tender. Although I write these with the intent of just relieving my head of some thoughts that stay trapped after a while and not to actually show anyone specifically these or even to make a statement to someone, I still didn’t feel like it wasn’t really okay for me to say something especially if I had regretted it later.  I’m, like always, going off on a tangent. I wanted to talk about my threshold and how I think I may have just reached mine now.

What happened in the past happened and regardless of why or how, it did and I’m in a different place mentally because of it. I’m more closed off, less empathetic and caring. I now rarely let myself become vulnerable when it comes to other people (as where I used to be almost always). That being said, there are people who despite me being closed off and guarded still broke through my protection and almost immediately I regret letting them in. I regret letting myself let anybody in too close. People have for a very long time now continuously taken advantage of my trusting and caring nature. Some people have exhausted my empathy by requiring my constant attention, by making me feel bad during times I couldn’t give them that attention, some who were so close to the brink and made me feel responsible for their well-being… for their lives, some people who, even though I couldn’t ever prove it, made me feel like I was only worth the attention that I gave them. Now writing this I am starting to see a pattern. That makes me think whether it’s just a series of unfortunate circumstances that I have continuously been surrounded by people who have needed my attention up until they’ve used up all I can give or do I give off a certain vibe that invites these people to come in and exhaust my empathy, my patience, everything I give to them of me to try and make them feel more whole. And once they do, most of them in the past have left, either slowly distancing themselves from me or just outright stop responding to my messages. I suppose it’s besides the point who’s fault it is, it still is happening and I want to talk more about the effect it’s had on me and not why anybody does what they do. I don’t hold it against most of these people, I know that feeling of needing someone’s attention to just keep your head above water, but I also know how it feels to be on the other end of it and I just am no longer able to feel that anymore. Not if I’m going to continue and hope to try and keep some portion of my sanity.

I’ve now gotten to a point where I’m not as emotionally affected by this. I have been affected by it so much that as soon as I hit my threshold, my mind had some sort of off switch for my emotions, which I suppose is better than my past threshold reaching points where I’ve blown up. Don’t get me wrong I still am upset over some of these situations, but that’s more to do with not wanting to separate myself from these people even though I 100% know that I have to and that’s currently tearing me up inside, but the actual actions. These people using me not so much.. and I keep wanting to blame myself for seeing some of the obvious signs for some of the situations which I am only even now aware of (sure I had my suspicions but that’s all they ever were), but continuing to blame myself isn’t going to help anybody.. I just feel really numb about the situation and I’ve for the past months felt numb about a lot of things so that’s not very surprising. I still know even though I don’t feel anything bad right now that this self-defense mechanism that I’ve created for myself will eventually fade and all these past “transgressions” will come back to haunt me. I know that I have to do something about it now while I’m still in a space mentally where I physically can remove these people so I can soon begin to heal and better my well-being. I’ve started becoming more distant with a lot of people because of this. Not just these people I’ve been referring to, but almost everyone and I haven’t let myself make any new friends because I don’t want to go through any of this again with any new people. I don’t want to let them into my life to let them hurt me and people have tried to come into my life, even some other persistent people, but I am too afraid to let anybody new in. Especially when the old are still hurting me. I’ve reached a point in my life where I just can’t keep letting people do this to me, even if it’s to help them feel better.. I can’t keep giving people everything to keep them afloat because I’ll have nothing left of me when they leave. So with that I guess goodbye. We all deserved more than this.

 

Edit:  It was more of just a temporary numbness. Took less than a day for all of it to finally sink in and hurt..

Sincerely,

Tristan.

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