This one’s probably going to be a very unconventional post. I have no morale or lesson learned I just today as of when I’ve begun writing this post saw on spotify the option to see your year wrapped. And going through that really felt like going back to like individual moments of this year. And now the details are a little fuzzy but the emotional response and what it is that brought upon said emotional response is something that is very much still ingrained in me. I tend to make plenty of associations to different things in my life and because of how often I am listening to music and how important music is to me in general a lot of these associations I have are usually with songs, albums, and artists. I thought it might be fun to go through the wrapped again and hopefully quickly go through why I think each song is something I ended up listening so often to have been shown in spotify’s wrapped and what memories, feelings, and/or people that I have associated with that song. It’s been quite the eventful year, 2019, but it’s one I will probably remember for a long time and one I kind of hope I do remember.

This one might be the most upsetting one, but this is playing Pity Party’s Somewhere in the Universe and since I’m assuming this means the PAST winter like Dec 2018 – Feb 2019 the association isn’t a great one. This whole band I don’t like listening to anymore because of how often I listened to this song during this time in my life. But to talk about this song specifically, I know it struck such a strong chord with me because the lyrics were so self hating, self blaming, and lost. This was right before I made up with this friend, but I was taking it pretty hard at the time and this symbolized my feelings of guilt for feeling like I was a continuous toxic force on someone who I loved and genuinely just wanted them to be happy. Also ” And now I’m stuck without you
I’m feeling stuck without you” is self explanatory.

This one only gets a little bit better. I’d talk about a few of these artists because they each have their own specific reason for being important to me but they’ll come up again later so Pinegrove’s – Aphasia is the song that’s playing and I honestly don’t want to go into the specific situation that I associate it with but it was important to me because it reflects my at this time feeling that I was in a situation where I was being hurt and upset. And I don’t normally speak up about those kinds of things, but this one something I had and at that point I had to put my foot down. It’s a bittersweet song, it represents my decision to finally try and be happy (and actually the other artist’s shown have songs that remind me that it hadn’t been for naught) but also reminds me of the great cost of doing so.

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These both are playing Sidney Gish’s – Mouth Log. This one doesn’t have the biggest story to it. Fall and Summer have definitely been the seasons that I’ve been getting my shit together and had come to terms with a lot of shit. And Sidney Gish actually as a whole I associate with my future. She was a part of my whole imagination soap opera which also was me just imagining what my ideal future would be like. This song in particular reminds me of just how awkward I’ve felt transitioning into adulthood and how stagnant I was feeling. Also I have the biggest celebrity crush on her, something which only worsened after getting to meet her in person.

Remember Sports – Simple, they are one of if not my most favorite “energetic” indie rock bands. My favorite band I got to see live this year and I will always listen to them whenever I need to get my blood pumping, maybe vent out some frustration.

Beach Bunny – Like Sidney Gish, this artist/band also has a weird “future fantasy” association with it but also I’ve been using the lead singers’ first name as a pseudonym for my best friend, Lilli. It wasn’t intentional or conscious at the time but I believe it has to do with that future fantasy association. Before I met her, I dreamt up this fantasy of a world where I was adapting my books for film and the details aren’t too important but in this fantasy I ended up being really close with Lilli from the band and I kind of just imagined me growing older with them. The “third book” in my head had to do with sharing these past memories and hurt with someone you love and letting it go so you can continue making new memories with that person. And then a few months later, the Lilli I’ve been writing about came into my life and I guess I wanted to make that fantasy a reality. I wanted to grow older with them, create memories that’ll inspire the next In My Head story, you know?

Crazy Ex Girlfriend Cast –

I am absolutely enamored with this show. Not only does it take place in my hometown, involve someone dealing with the same disorder I am afflicted with, was one of the first shows I really got obsessed with with my either girlfriend at the time or most definitely someone I was getting much closer with at the time.

Billie Eilish – I went through a quick phase of being obsessed with her music. I don’t have too many associations with her songs’. They were popular, getting blasted everywhere and I liked what I heard.

This one isn’t that surprising except I didn’t think pop would be THAT high but I figured it was in the top 3. This is what I usually tell people when they ask what songs I’m into. Indie, Indie-Rock, Indie-Pop, and Lo-fi. I don’t know what Hollywood is, but I’m going to assume that’s likely musical soundtracks because that’s more so what I’ve been obsessed with. Especially Starkid Musicals. Oh and apparently there’s a new Heathers cast with a new song too? Don’t know how I feel about it if I’m being honest. I think I just miss Barret Wilbert Weed’s Veronica and having not seen the musical in so long the tone of this song feels weird– like it doesn’t fit but that might just be my shitty memory playing with my perceptions again. I will say though she sure does bop hard in this song.

And to finish this off, Vampire Weekend is my favorite band of the entire decade which I am glad to see. For the longest time this was always the band that I instinctively answered when asked which was my favorite. Their revival was pretty great too and while they aren’t my most played artists anymore they will still forever be a strong part of my life and reminds me of a lot of good and happier times. Thanks spotify for this trip down memory lane, and thanks me for doing enough emotional/mental work for this experience to have been a mostly positive one.

Good bye 2010 this was fun how about we get our shit together next time though why don’t we? Really though, thank you. I am glad to have experienced it.