Well I fucked up. In an effort to move over the domain over to a new host, one that I was actually paying for and didn’t put pop-up ads that I couldn’t get rid of, I forgot to back up the site and all the posts I had so for the most part I have to just start brand new. It is incredibly disheartening to see posts I’ve written years ago that were written during difficult times that still hold great meaning to me just disappear, but like with all things that matter to you, you can’t hold on to them forever. And what do you do when you’ve lost something/someone important to you? Do you just sit around and mope, furiously scream to the gods asking why they’ve forsaken you? No you stand up, say your goodbyes, and start over. There will always be new stories to create and to tell.
I’m actually in need for a fresh new start. The past couple of months were full of many mistakes. I came close with people I shouldn’t have, I got into a relationship with someone who didn’t really care about me as much as she did the attention I gave her, and I essentially became everything I hated about about her to someone else; someone who definitely didn’t deserve it. I both surrounded myself by shitty people and became one of them. Granted, I wasn’t the greatest of people before, but I definitely got much worse. A clean slate is what I’m trying to achieve right now. Hopefully if I say bye to those people who have done me wrong, and start the day with a fresh new outlook and state of mind then just maybe I can start new and create and shape myself the way I want to be shaped. I’ll get to decide who I want to be rather than the world and the people around me deciding for me.
The loss of my old site, the previous posts and everything that once made me, me is ultimately for the best. I will get to write about all the stupid shit that’s in my head now (although it’s pretty much just girls and depression.. I suppose that’s not too different from high school) and I will get to create new stories to tell you guys, my friends, and all those that matter to me.
March 20th, 2017 It was 8 pm. I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I was numb, and I only felt relief. There were no more lies, and I had clarity for the first time in weeks. I didn’t want to break up; I actually loved her. But she didn’t love me. Not anymore.
I can’t believe I let this get as bad as it had gotten before. I had nightmares about those times, how awful my life was and how awful I was.. I loathed who I used to be and I ended up being that person once more. I still don’t know how to cope with knowing
I’m not very proud of it but I’m an escapist. It’s both a character flaw and just a general character trait of mine. I have the tendency to just want to escape from most of my problems, or this boring world. I’ve done that in the past through an assortment of options; I would listen