Words have Consequences.. (Why I Hate “In My Head”)

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This site has been up since 2013 and it has been one of the few things I’m proud of, it’s essentially just a blog but with my focus to talk about topics and feelings rather than about situations and people it allowed people to relate to my posts, to read them and even if they didn’t quite feel the same way about things that I felt towards they were able to read and understand a different perspective on it. I felt I got to shape people’s ideas/opinions on certain subjects and I was able to break out of that mold of invisible high school loser to whiny high school loser with at least some ability to be self-reflective and able to tackle topics in a manner not all people were accustomed to. Its changed a bit since then, with the introduction of a new site feature that allowed users to submit their posts being one of the most notable changes. However, it’s not just the site itself that brought on changes but the way I used it too. Some of it was in reaction to the new influx of people who were actually visiting this site, so it no longer became this public yet actually hidden due to its lack of popularity/due to its obscurity kind of place, which is what made the site so therapeutic initially. I was able to write freely whatever I wanted about whatever I wanted because I wasn’t entertaining anybody. I didn’t write for people to read, I didn’t write to show off my writing skills.. I didn’t write for any other reason than I wanted to and it made me feel better. I don’t write for any other reason still, other than just writing to write, but with friends (well known friends) coming in and out often and some people from my past also randomly dropping in, it’s difficult not to make the correlation between posts I write and situations that have occurred in my life and then I think about well fuck what if they read this and what if they get angry. What if they confront me about it. I don’t deal well with confrontations. Every time now I hit submit I have to acknowledge that it will have consequences. Whether its because some of my friends care about me or I know for certain some do it just to get in my head, to keep an eye on me which has continuously grown more frustrating as time has gone by. Others come back to this site and use it as ammo in arguments or to prove to themselves and/or other people how awful they think I am. Which I don’t understand that last one since the people that have done this I have already explained to this that most of my writing is fictionalized. People are mixed into groups of people, groups of people are mixed into one. Some people are just made up to help prove my point. Which I have done in the beginning specifically to avoid all of the previous things I’ve stated…

Yet, they all still occur. Frequently. Even this post now I’m sure will stir up a reaction to someone that will affect me outside of this site, this post and that’s my point. I want to talk freely about things, but I don’t even know what I would want to talk about. The stuff I have talked about recently, which have been more personal and situational-based are what have been easier for me but situations often involve people who are going to read them now so I can either decide beforehand whether I want to password a post (yes, I decide before I even write whether I will add a password to it or not just so even in those posts it’s not to specifically to talk about a person, but more of just giving me the freedom to talk without being afraid of the consequences afterwards), but even then there is still the post title and the first couple of sentences that get shown so I end up writing in a way that doesn’t reveal too much initially for those posts and already I start seeing again even with passworded posts which I tried to use to remove that barrier keeping me from writing what I want to write, just ended up building a new one.. and even if I got rid of each of those little things that reveal things I might not be comfortable revealing, I get to the point where as long as even a sentence is visible it will affect me, and if one isn’t then I’m going against the whole idea/core motive for this site. Which is why I’ve grown tired of writing things for this, and this might be one of my last posts for a bit until I can stop feeling this feeling of being tracked, reviewed, and judged. I used to be able to talk with friends about all of this stuff and this site wasn’t necessary for me to make me feel better, but most if not all the people who I have shared this level of trust with have abused it and used it against me, and now honestly I’m really unable to trust anybody at all again.  Even the people I want to trust, but just can’t. This is all just a lost cause, for me at least. I’ll just have to try and find a way to vent freely, to feel better again because this site just isn’t cutting it anymore. Well, I guess I do have that one tumblr account I still haven’t removed. I suppose I can try that for a bit.

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