Random Thoughts – June 26

Yikes.. I got drunk a few nights ago and reblogged something on Tumblr from that old friend of mine. Just said “U R Loved” and wasn’t about anyone and wasn’t intended to upset them. It was a nice positive post and I wanted to spread said positivity and I really only did so because I saw the notification from them and curiosity and insobriety got the better of me. Since then I’ve noticed some posts that seemingly are either meant to get at me (which has been successful BTW), or for them to vent about how much they despise me which is more likely. A lot of my posts lately have been kind of depressing but none of them have really been about her, I’ve just been depressed, borderline suicidal, so those posts have kind of followed suit. That’s what this site has been for lately, to talk openly about things that are upsetting me and trying to explain it kind of to myself. Impulsive one-click reblogs lead to many misunderstandings especially when you’re basically subtweeting a person. Seeing that post really hurt, feelings I figured she already had just seeing it was obviously upsetting and sent me into that impulsive –“Gah I got to do something to make me feel less shitty” kind of mood. It just brought up memories of being on that blog before, just around the time I was actually genuinely staring to move on (which took me two fucking months at this point), and seeing posts that talked about her wanting to kill herself and specifically tagging me, blaming me for it. “And its your fault” is and will forever be burned into my mind.

I remember spending weeks checking their blog obsessively after that because I wanted her to be okay and if anything happened to her it would be my fault. At least that’s how it’d have been in her mind and after reading that, in mine too. I spent nights lying awake in terror because of this. I left because I couldn’t handle being consistently and compulsively lied to. And everyone since then has told me that it wouldn’t have been my fault, that I needed to stop feeling so guilty for it, that not only was it not just something done out of impulsive fear.. that it was something that was necessary. She kept telling me I was a monster for what I did and I believed them. Some part of me still does. And even after they apologized, saying they were wrong and finally after months finally acknowledging I wasn’t just talking out my ass when I kept trying to tell them what they were doing to me was hurting me.. Now some part of me is convinced they only did so due to their breakup, that they just needed someone to soften the blow and not feel so alone while they recovered from it. My main reason for thinking this is because nothing about how they treated me changed in the slightest. It is starting to feel less like a coincidence that our friendship tends to only last during the time’s she’s single. I’ve felt like just her buffer from loneliness, nothing more.

So instead of impulsively reblogging stuff that referred to her or to our past friendship I just left whatever I had already queued on and kept off that site entirely. I messaged my best friend and he’s the one who told me she just needs a place to vent and I should let her and he was right. I mean she can just as equally get upset if she read any of these posts on here, but I don’t write them to upset her and I shouldn’t assume she wrote them to upset me either. I used to try and go out of my way to not write anything that would upset them, as if these posts were definitely going to be read by them, but now I know she doesn’t read these anymore so I feel more free to just write whatever’s truly on my mind. Still we both have our places to vent that we need. I’m just tired of being called a monster or a curse for not being able to take the way they had treated me. That’s not going to change anytime soon I’m sure.. well it might but only in the sense that she’s just going to stop talking about me entirely which at this point I would prefer. It just keeps making me angrier and angrier to see someone over and over say “You’re an awful person because you didn’t appreciate how shitty I treated you. You’re not allowed to be upset or hurt by that. How dare you walk away from weeks of constant hurting and you reinforcing my distrust.” Fuck that and fuck getting upset over and over again by it. This is just too exhausting.