March 20th, 2017
It was 8 pm. I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I was numb, and I only felt relief. There were no more lies, and I had clarity for the first time in weeks. I didn’t want to break up; I actually loved her. But she didn’t love me. Not anymore. But she refused to break up. I still made her happy. I was still usable. But I knew I was spent, and without her love to replenish me I would break the more of myself I gave her. So I ended it.
March 21st, 2017
Well that didn’t take long. The clarity I felt abated overnight and that’s when the hurt hit me like a truck. My reasons for breaking up were still valid, but I could not stop thinking about the extreme happiness I’d felt during the good times. Every detail about her and the little quirks in her personality that made her like no one else. All of it consumed every thought I had. I had removed her from my life and I knew she would eventually fade. But I didn’t want her to. I forced myself to keep thinking about her which was counter intuitive to the task I was trying to accomplish: to forget her. Everything I saw, I related to her. I wanted to tell her about everything, jokes I knew she would crack up over, inside things that only us two in the whole world would understand. But she was gone, I had removed her. I was done. Without her it felt like there was no me. I had no desire to wake up, to go to school, even to eat. She had used me up and there was less than nothing left.
April 20th, 2017
It was an entire month of that. Non-stop thinking about her and how much I missed her. Her birthday was only a couple weeks away and I had planned to talk to her after saying Happy Birthday. I was a bit better, but by that I mean instead of thinking about her every minute, I only thought about her every half hour. (And I mean that almost literally). I would have done anything to just hear her voice one more time, but I shoved that part of me down and bottled him up. My days consisted of listening to very lengthy audio books to distract myself for almost every waking moment of every day until I was too tired to think and would pass out. I was afraid to be alone with my thoughts, that’s when the pain was the greatest. That’s when I could no longer bottle up my feelings and they would push me to go back to her. To keep letting her use me because she was worth the hurt and the lies (of course she wasn’t but I wasn’t rational about her). I wanted to be her crutch when she needed one and I would let her store me away on a shelf when she didn’t. I knew I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, no one does, but maybe it didn’t hurt as bad as I hurt now. I didn’t know, but I planned to make my decision in May.
Sometime in May, 2017
I debated talking to her again. It was her birthday. I wasn’t sure if I said something, I might say something else on impulse and bring her back into my life. I was finally starting to learn how to live life without her. I wasn’t happy or anything, but the pain was manageable. I was finally able to put on my act of being really happy again, and only one person knew how I was really feeling. I decided to create a snap and write Happy Birthday on it and send it to her. I must have spent over an hour on it, it had to be perfect. And then I sent it. She replied thanking me with a smiley face and at this point I was surprised to find that the thought of just replying “of course” and nothing else, and potentially never talking to her again ever, was okay. I had spent days worrying about what I would say to her, but now that all seemed unnecessary. I replied “of course” and I have not spoken to her since.
May 20th, 2017
The first 20th that I did not spend the entire day thinking about that night we broke up. I think less and less about her now. Every waking thought is no longer about her and I feel like I am starting to forget. It’s sad in a way, but it also means I am finally moving on. I am learning life, I mean actual life not just waiting until I can sleep again, can be lived without her. I have family visiting, and it’s teaching me life can be hell for reasons completely unrelated to her.
May 24th, 2017
The first day I can remember that I did not think about her at all, although it was a very busy/fun day involving rope bridges between skyscrapers.
May 25th, 2017
So tonight I went to an escape room. We escaped with 6 seconds on the clock, but surprisingly that was not the highlight of the night. The game was incredibly fun, don’t get me wrong, but it was our host that captured my attention. I don’t know what it was about her, but I kept saying silly stupid things that kept making her laugh. I felt bold. I hadn’t felt that way in months. I didn’t care how stupid I looked, at one point dressing up as Indiana Jones and walking around with a cane while being filmed. She found it hilarious and normally I would have died even thinking about doing stunts like that in public. That’s when I realized I basically threw out the window all the rules I had created for myself since the breakup, namely, not falling head over heels for another girl.
May 26th, 2017
Today I am writing this because I have come to realize that I am addicted to love. And of course love is hurt and pain, but even knowing that I want to do it again. I want to make someone happy until they get bored of me. I realize life isn’t about being happy always. It’s about embracing those small moments that you are happy and living off of that collection of happy memories for when you’re not. That’s the hurt. The longing to experience that happiness again that makes us make the terrible decision of opening our thickest walls to someone so they can stab us right in the heart where it hurts the most. And I am addicted to that hurt.
Until next time,