To think just two weeks ago my biggest worries were how I was going to stop thinking and making myself feel shitty about no longer having someone in my life anymore who’s been long gone. Now with all that’s happened since, that feels like a lifetime ago. A whole other me ago. I’ll still care about them, I always will just like an old friend I’ve been recently reminded of.. I guess those feelings just don’t ever go away for me, but I am content with the idea that this is genuinely the best thing for us. We’ve both met people that make us happy, and god knows we sure as hell didn’t do that for each other anymore. That thought makes me feel content (Dare I say it might even make me feel happy?), like at least this wasn’t ENTIRELY in vain. Anyway, I’ve started group therapy, which was absolutely terrifying. It didn’t help that I made the situation so much more stressful for myself by waiting until the very last minute to leave and putting the entire thing out of my mind up until I got stuck in traffic and thus had to freak out about having to talk in a group full of other people who I had to meet for the very first time. Also because there was traffic I had to make it in late, so now in addition to being in a new environment I also had now interrupt the group in order to join in. That means no matter what I was going to have everyone’s attention the second I walked through that door. And fuck I thought I had anxiety before but put me in a new situation that reminded me a whole lot of high school and I now remember what panic attacks truly felt like.
They were also not kidding when they said I was going to be one of the few guys in the group. In fact I was the only guy in the group. BPD is more common with women and the men who have it don’t often seek help so no matter what I do I’m going to stick out. And that’s absolutely nerve-wrecking for me. I like blending in and being invisible in most of my environments, which according to my therapist is a part of me living in a dichotomy. I want attention, I want my feelings to be noticed or at the very least be validated.. but that very attention makes me feel uncomfortable. Especially when it comes from many people all at once and I have no control over that attention. Maybe that’s why I appreciate/get too attached to close friendships or significant others. The term I don’t enjoy using anymore but is still accurate, my favorite person. That was like the perfect middle ground for me, I got close with someone who helped me feel like I wasn’t as awful as I assumed I was everyday and it wasn’t a group of people that forced me to put on this facade like I do every time I’m with a group of friends. I try and act the way I think normal people should act when I do and that just becomes exhausting after a while. But relying on one or a select few to give me that attention that I should be getting from a group or just learning to validate my own feelings can be harmful and lead to the problems with those people that I have dealt with in the past.
I’m worried Lili (she doesn’t read these but I’m still going to use fake names like I have since I’ve started this site because that’s just how I’ve done things to keep at least a little bit of privacy for them) has been my favorite person at times. Something which if I had told her that, she would take it as a huge compliment but for me it’s become a terrifying thought. In fact, one very pleasant night we were spending together she, under her breath, exclaimed “Hey, you’re my favorite. You know that, right?” and I just remember wincing and having the panic set in almost immediately. That should make me feel good, wanted, and special. I know that’s what they meant when they said it but I personally have twisted the meaning of that word to mean something harmful, toxic, and just having that word enter that relationship makes me fear that I’m doomed to destroy it. It didn’t even come from me but it still made me feel like I had to be more defensive, on guard.. She is mine too, but just saying that out loud makes me worry what if I get too attached? What if I squeeze too tight and hurt her like how I hurt the last person I loved? All of this other stuff I’ve been worrying about; the past coming back to haunt me, the terror of group sessions, personal issues at home.. they’ve thankfully kept me from doing this. I don’t like asking for help, so I’ve been tackling a lot of this on my own so that has kind of coincidentally kept me at a healthy distance while I’ve tried to tackle these issues on my own. She’s there for me to talk to though, at the end of a rough day (and these days have mostly all been rough) it doesn’t feel like I’ve truly come home until I get to play games or just get to spend time doing whatever with them, even listening to one our playlists makes me feel so much comfort. And for that I can’t be thankful enough. Maybe with that and enough time passed, the thought of them being my favorite won’t horrify me anymore. We’ll see.
Here’s also to hoping I don’t fuck all of this up soon (it still feels like I’m on borrowed time with her) and that I can take care of the rest of this shit that just seems to keep piling up as well without it taking too much out of me. Looks like I’ve got a rough road ahead of me.