I haven’t posted in a while because I have been trying to avoid using this site. Recently I’ve had a real difficult time talking with people. Partly because I’ve felt pretty distant from most of the people I felt really close to, both figuratively and literally. But mostly it’s just been me. My anxieties and insecurities have been at an all time high and that’s made me resort to stay in the safe confines of my own social bubble. There are aspects of me that have really progressed backwards, but still other parts of me I’ve been actually working on improving. Like not having to use a site as the only way of expressing myself. It got to the point where I just didn’t know how to say at all how I was feeling or I didn’t think anyone would want to hear any of it so I used this site as a therapist essentially. I bitched and whined about stuff that was happening even recently and I really hoped that it would help and it didn’t. That frustrated me immensely. Now, I’m not writing this because I feel like I need to. I just want to. It feels like so much time has passed and there’s been so many changes in my routine, my friend groups, and my feelings and views on life as well. It’s like I’ve had just a long but interesting and eventful day that I just want to go home and tell my favorite person all about it. I feel giddy just updating you where I’m at. Even though it’s not all great stuff, there is some good stuff that has happened to me. For example, I listened to the radio last week which is something I usually never do, but this time I did and this really odd yet energetic punk rock song came on that was all about how much they really did not like the person the song was about. Initially, my thoughts were just “this is really silly” but the tune stuck in my head and next thing I knew I was singing along and now I am listening to their band on repeat in spotify.
Needless to say, I’m pretty obsessed with them now. The song was “I Don’t Like You” by The Regrettes. This band isn’t really the kind of band that I thought I’d be so into. I like indie bands, but a punk rock band lead by teenage girls sounded like something that normally I would, not necessarily steer away from but I would let the next person be into that.. while I stuck with my old and familiar bands; Vampire Weekend, The Strokes, or San Cisco. However, this song came on the radio of a band I knew nothing about and it was so catchy and full of energy that it took me, even if just for the couple of minutes the song was playing, out of a pretty abysmal depression. That’s a bit dramatic, but for a brief moment I just sang along and I no longer thought about all of the shit I normally think about that brings me down on a daily basis. I just smiled and enjoyed that moment and the drive home. Then the next car ride I had their album playing and I enjoyed the next song and the next. Their cover of Fox On The Run is probably my favorite version of the song I’ve heard yet. I’ll probably try and see them live the next time they’re playing out here which I think might be in a few weeks when I checked. If I can manage to convince someone to come with me or if I decide to go by myself too, whatever. It’d just be cool to feel that energy along with other people feeling it too. This has also gotten me to open up my ears to different songs/artists that I haven’t heard of or some that I just didn’t think I would like for one reason or another. Some other great songs I’ve listened to recently that I’ve loved have been:
- Cut Your Bangs – Girlpool
- Get Some – Ghosted
- She Only Loves Me When I’m There – Ball Park Music
- People – Body Parts (God such an unfortunate band and song name combination)
- Rebel Girl – Bikini Kill
Just to name a few. I love music and it’s always really cool discovering new songs and artists to be obsessed over. It’s better than being obsessed with people which I can do a lot. Things might not be super fantastic right now and some days I just want to hide away all day and not talk to a single person because the stress is too overwhelming, but at least I have music. At least I have The Regrettes.
I wish life never had to change. It seems naive and I know it’s wring but there’s too much that’s gone wrong in my life for me to easily welcome change. It started two years ago. That’s when it became unbearable. Two years since emotional abuse so bad the wounds still haven’t come close to
I think there is a certain amount of preciousness in the little things. Flowers growing through the sidewalk, seeing the start of a tree in a tiny flower pot. The innocent beginning of a relationship. Or even seemingly meaningless questions, like, ” Hey, did you happen to eat today?” Or, ” How did you sleep