Waiting

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Aside from my “normal” fluctuating emotions there’s been this other feeling I’ve felt the past couple of days which I’ve had a difficult time trying to explain or even wrap around my head. It isn’t really an emotion. At least I don’t think it is an emotion because it doesn’t feel like one and I probably wouldn’t be this confused by this feeling if it was just an emotion. There’s a physical aspect to it, a sinking feeling in my chest. You should probably see where I’m heading with this by the title of the post, but I’m just going to say it outright anyway. It keeps feeling like I’m waiting. I don’t know what for or why. I just know that right now even as I’m typing this post I’m only doing it as a means to procrastinate and “skip ahead” through time  until whatever it is I’m waiting for occurs. The problem is I don’t even know if there is a thing I’m waiting for. That not only do I not know what it is exactly I’m waiting for but this feeling of waiting, of being stuck in a psychological vegetative state until that moment when I can finally be.. whatever. Happy, I guess..? Although, I’m not entirely convinced even such a state exists, I don’t think I will ever reach a state of happiness. I’ve been continuously searching for something that would really just get me out of this never ending cycle of being overly positive followed by an immediate fall to this trench of depression and sadness. It’s cyclical as I’ve talked about and is influenced, certainly, by situations I manage to get myself entangled in but I also think that there’s just a natural cycle to this even if no help were involved at all.  So do you see my issue?

For the past couple of years I have naturally fluctuated in mood, mental stability, and who I defined who I was as a person even changed. My morals skewed at times, and the other times it was just my whole mind that was skewed. Objectively I’m aware that this is just cyclical (aside from the other stuff which I know is not the same as the old “in a funk” feeling I usually feel when I’m depressed for no reason. I’m depressed for reasons this time so it’s not the same feeling. There are many many reasons I’m probably feeling depressed right now, I know if you asked a few of my friends they’d probably give you the same answer but realistically right now I’m just not great. My young adult life isn’t blossoming like I thought it should. There’s just so much that I feel.. is just not good in my life. And I keep feeling that feeling in my chest, that sunkness in my chest. I don’t know any other way to describe it other than imagine you’re at a doctors office and you’ve come an hour early. Well, now what’re you doing? Well probably searching through your phone or watching a nearby television set, but take away any sort of distractions (I’ll go more into this later) and what do you got? You got yourself sitting in a room, probably staring at a clock with your mind turned numb and despite so many things crossing your mind right now, the only thought that really matters to you right now is “When am I going to be called up?” Right now your life is boring, (im using the word life to better fit the metaphor/analogy even if it’s really only just an hour) your mind is either completely off or working on overload, and that damn fucking clock is moving slower just to taunt you. That feeling. The irritation, impatience, and just that feeling of “WHEN WILL THINGS HAPPEN” that’s been constantly bugging me. I don’t know what I even expect from this supposedly big event that will fix everything and make me feel all better. I mentioned in probably a recently locked post (they’re password protected because I was still very hurt/upset and that influenced how i typed and I thought it would be better if those last two posts were strictly just for my own benefit. Just to get it out on to “pen and paper.”)  that I kept imagining different scenarios that might make me happy, that might make me okay with everything and be able to move on and/or start new.. but that it would never happen and that if it did I wouldn’t even know if I’d actually be happy that it did.. so yet again I must ask myself like a broken record… what are you waiting for?

I know your previous answers to this question have been; “for me to finally be normal, for “her” to notice me,  for us to have an actual conversation about something that matters.. ” You’re just always waiting for that special moment that things will finally look our way, Tristan. It’s disappointing because none of that list has really happened. Why? Well my self-pity would probably tell you because I’m incapable of having anything good, because I’m not good enough to acquire them or that I’m just not good enough for the universe to deem me worthy enough to not give me anything that just isn’t utter bullshit. People that are bullshit, situations that are bullshit, places that are bullshit. Realistically though I know I have received those things because those are what have came easiest. If you present yourself as a weak, vulnerable, and gullible human being who’s own personal beliefs of how one should treat another human being prevents him from doing any of the stuff they have done to me without a second thought. Wow I really talk off in a tangent.. Realistically I know that I haven’t acquired most of the things on my list of I’m waiting for’s… is well obvious just by the statement itself. I’ve been waiting for them. I have let this sinking chest feeling mindlessly guide my way through my uninteresting and pretty much nonparticipating life, and I let it give me what came to me naturally and they weren’t always the best things/people. So, I suppose I should try and do whatever I can to rid myself of this feeling and stop waiting.. hopefully I’ll be able to stop waiting. Who knows..:?

… I guess I’ll have to wait to find out. I’m kidding but more than likely yeah guess I’ll have to find out.

-Tristan.

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